Elissa Gator

Morbid Cleaning

2012-02-02T00:22:00.000-08:00

If you didn't know I came up with strange things before, you will now.

Morbid Cleaning

Otis was defrosting the refrigerator, but unlike a normalperson who gets ice chests to keep the misplaced items cool, Otis was using themortuary’s coffins. It’s not like his uncle was going to be desperatelysearching for it. In the whole history of the mortuary, no one came running in,out of breath, and in short gasps of breathes said “I need (gasp) a coff (gasp)in (gasp) stat (gasp).” Although, if dying people were more considerate they would help out the living by plopping themselves into their eternal boxes before someone else had to do it. He should propose this to his uncle. Maybe he'd design a neon star-burst catchy sign that said "Fifteen percent off total bill if you participate in our 'self-help' program!"

The coffins made for great food containers. They were large, insulated and had a lid to trap the cool air. Actually, coffins really were non-electric refrigerators when Otis thought about it. He doubted people showcased children's art with business card magnets on top of coffins, but maybe that was niche he could cash in on. His mother would have freaked out if she saw what he was doing, but he figured that as long ashe didn’t spill ketchup on the light blue padded satin interior, there was noreason to panic. Then again, what if he did spill ketchup? He doubted the nextoccupant would mind very much.

The cat, Mr. Reaper, would sometimes try to hide in one of the plush corners for a snooze, but Otis would quickly shoo it out. He didn't want cat hair accidentally getting in the jello salad. Or to have to explain to his uncle why strange cat noises were scaring customers in the coffin show room. That would be a pretty funny prank to pull, thought Otis, but it could lead to the cat meeting his namesake.

Gina's Wedding

2012-01-30T00:53:00.000-08:00

Oh. My. Word. I just got back from the last wedding of the season. It was for my cousin, Gina. She got married in the LDS Oquirrh Mountain, Utah Temple. And it didn't snow then either. That makes 4 winter weddings I went to and no snow. Oh well. I guess the brides were happy. In case you were concerned, I did not catch the bouquet. It went to a 10 year old. Just because she's not even old enough to date doesn't mean I'm bitter...

This whole reception was decorated and thought of by my amazingly talented aunt and her friend. Our family also did all the food. We can crank out some serious food.

Here is a video of Gina seeing it decorated for the first time. Then you can scroll down and see all the snap shots and descriptions and tragic stories about elephants at weddings.

Unfortunately, these pictures don't even begin to convey the beauty of the reception. Maybe once the professional photographer gets her pictures up I will post a link.

The centerpieces were chandeliers my aunt bought on ebay on top of glass bowls or vases, which were on top of doilies, which was on top of a gray quilted square (that my other aunt made from old suit coats). On top of the square were more doilies, antique teacups filled with various flowers and sugared fruit.

While we were up at the temple, my aunt's friends were busy finishing up the decorating. Someone had left a burner on in the kitchen, and then someone had put a plastic box on top of it. Needless to say it caught on fire. When my aunt asked if they had called 911, the friend said "No way! If they came in here and saw all the cords for the chandeliers running all over the place they would for sure shut us down!" Thankfully, the fire was contained and only a plastic box was harmed. As well as someone's pride, I'm sure.

The above is the sign-in table. It's an old yellow-paged piano book with classical songs in it. The bride's sister then glued blank pages every other page with pictures of the couple. I wrote a haiku. The silver tree was done by another aunt spray painting about 20 large branches for her son's November wedding. We reuse when we can.

As guests left, they got to fill up a box with homemade mini cookies that were in decorated jars. More doilies as well as stuffed birds were accented throughout the room (do you see Hedwig?).

Old chairs were in corners for people to sit and enjoy the reception, or look at some of the many black and white old framed pictures. Notice the silver platters on the wall or the black feathered wreath? Someone said this reception could have made for great "I Spy" pictures. And that's my grandma in case you were wondering.

The hot chocolate stop - with hazelnut, vanilla and toffee syrups, marshmallows, crushed whoppers, crushed peppermint and cream. Most of the furniture my aunt already owned. She and her decorator friend would also go to DI (a thrift store in Utah) and pick up all sorts of antiques that they then displayed.

No plastic china here. Antique plates were used to eat cake from (the most deliciously wedding cake I have ever tasted, I might add).

Speaking of cake, there the couple is cutting it. And a bird in the lower right hand corner. Dead, of course.

The backdrop was made by tying different ribbon to a bar. Chandeliers were hung from the basketball hoop. They also had rugs everywhere to make it feel more homey and less basketball-courtey.

Because all the food was made by us from scratch, it was a delicious affair. You got a glass plate (they had an eclectic mix to choose from) and then picked up: a vegetable cup pre-arranged with ranch dressing and slices of veggies; colored shaped sandwiches with fillings like apricot bacon (YUM!), pimento cheese or deviled ham; mini homemade cinnamon rolls; parfaits of chocolate and oreo, vanilla, wafer and banana, or vanilla, pound cake and raspberry in glass cups; raspberry frappes, and chex-mix in a bag. We had to wash all the glass plates and parfait glasses by hand. Thankfully I didn't volunteer for that job.

And check out that beautiful centerpiece! They ordered flowers from Costco.com and had a friend who had had some experience with flowers do the arranging. Sadly, at the end of the night when everything was being packed back up the flowers froze because they were accidentally left outside for the night.

That's me, my mom and my sister Saundra. I'm surprised we didn't look more like zombies by the end of the night.

And of course me and the bride. Isn't she just gorgeous?

When they were setting up the reception, my uncle had to make 15 trips with his pick up to bring all the furniture, chandeliers, rugs, tree branches and other decorations to the church. The next day he had a brilliant idea to rent a UHaul truck. We filled it.

Thankfully there were a lot of people there so clean up only took about 2 hours. To cover all the chandelier wires that ran from the tables to the outlets, someone used paper packing tape to secure them to the floor. Because of the nature of the tape, it didn't pull of cleanly so about 20 of us had to sit on the floor and slowly scrape away at the tape. It was a mess.

At the end, we all agreed that it was a ton of work. I think I might just have a petting zoo for my reception and the people can eat the animal's food pellets. To make it even more fancy I'll even have an elephant so you can take your picture with the bride, groom and elephant.

Crossing the Road

2012-01-25T00:44:00.000-08:00

I've decided that besides grocery lists and e-mail correspondents with my lawyer, I should start writing more. I got this fun thing called The Writer's Toolbox, by Jamie Cat Callan, which has writing exercises to help you loose brain atrophy weight. Because part of my plan is to take over the world (and then hand that job over to someone else so I can enjoy being world leader), I thought I might bore you with some of the results of those exercises. The below example is called "first sentence." You pull out a stick, and whatever sentence is on that stick becomes your first sentence and you then write for about 3 minutes, more if your microwave oven has less wattage power.

Crossing the Road
Michael sat down in the middle of the road and began to cry. He was just a baby chick, not yet a chicken that could complete something so mind boggling amazing that humans would question it for years to come. His father had crossed the road. His father before him. Chicken genealogy records only go back two generations, so he wasn’t sure if his father’s father’s father had also done it. But he liked to think he also had.

His plump and juicy legs hurt. His thighs were marinating in sweat and defeat. And his tender ribbed breast sunk deep down into his chest. This is it, Michael thought. They’ll grill me back on the farm. “Just why couldn’t you cross the road, Michael? Are you chicken?” they’d ask.

When things boiled down to it, Michael decided he’d rather cross the road than receive the golden nugget of humiliation award. Might as well wing it, he thought. And so, even though he felt like a chicken with his head cut off, he lifted up his foot…

And was immediately pounded to a one-fourth inch filet by the street sweeper.

Weddings, Food, Weddings, Holidays, Weddings and NEWS!

2012-01-16T01:15:00.000-08:00

Oh my word. Word being "do you remember what blogging is dear Elissa?" Let's get to it, there's quite a bit to cover, and at the very end I have some news I'd like to share with you. I'll forgive you if you scroll through most of this, but I won't forgive you if you don't jump up and down once you find out my news at the end. No, I'm not engaged -- we'll just nip that in the butt right here and now.

Waaaaaaaay back in November of 2011 (you know, the year before the year of the end of the world) I went on a fancy schmancy semi-formal dance date. The evening included convincing the waitress that we had just attended a Voodoo wake/funeral where there was dancing because that's what you do at Voodoo funerals. They believed us.

My date, Cameron, and I pride ourselves in knowing it was because of us the party got started. We also would run around people who were sitting and try to convince them to dance. They weren't as convinced as the waitresses.

The week of Thanksgiving my family and I headed up to Idaho for a cousin's wedding (in which you would think there would be pictures, but nay, I cannot find any) and then back down to Utah for some food love (most people just call it Thanksgiving). We had two tables of pies. With pie labels.

Then two weeks later, I went back up to Idaho for Rachel R's wedding (now Rachel H). I had designed her invites and they were put in these sweet pocket envelopes. When I get off my lazy toenails, maybe I'll take a picture of the whole shebang, but for now you can enjoy this:

It was a wedded bliss weekend. We stayed at the groom's house, which also happened to be my first District Leader from the mish. Crazy, right? Being the good friends that we were, we dipped 1,345,982 strawberries (or something close to that).

And then we obviously had to get manis and pedis. I need a spa chair in my house.

I got a little over zealous when arranging the vegetable trays, but I wanted people to know that today was a wedding day, because seeing a girl in a poofy white dress carrying flowers sometimes doesn't get the message across.

Then the actual wedding came, and she and her hubby were sealed in the Idaho Falls LDS temple. It was probably 45 degrees, so it really wasn't that bad. She had gotten a bridal cloak, but while taking pictures without it, I decided to take upon the part of snow queen.

There's the beautiful bride with a creeper who photo bombed in the background.

Two weeks before, at my cousin's wedding, I caught the bouquet. When I came back to Idaho I had every intention of starting a winning streak. Alas, a woman in her late 40s caught it. She probably needed it more than I did.

Back to California for Christmas and a cooked goose that tasted more like ham because it was ham. Here are our awesome Christmas cards that moi designed. I'm okay with you saying these are the best Christmas cards ever made. I've already come to terms that my humility is perfected. (Click to make bigger so you can bask in its amazingness).

Christmas was pretty low key, as was New Year's. Basically just hung out with the fam because we're tight like unto a dish. Then we said goodbye to my brother, Trenton, who was going to the Atlanta Georgia mission for 2 years. Yes, I served in the Macon, Georgia mission, and now he was following in my tracting footsteps. Bye TrennyWennyMenny!

During all of this I managed to crank out a second wedding invite for my cousin Gina who will be getting married in a couple of weeks. It's quite different than Rachel's invite, but the same in that they are both invites for weddings. Pretty cool how I can keep to a theme, no?

And then on to my third wedding in this nuptial whirlwind. This was for Rachel D (Yes. Two of my best friends are named Rachel. Don't let that blow your mind). She's from Alabama and her fiance (now husband) is from Wyoming. They were going to get married in Alabama, because who gets married in Wyoming in January, but the groom's family had a dairy farm they couldn't leave and just like that I got to fly to Billings, Montana. It's a small airport.

I thought for sure it would be some great blizzard that people would tell their grandkiddies about, but luckily it was about 40 degrees and clear skies. My very talented friend, Adrian, was the wedding photographer, so I didn't take many pics. I just yelled at people to get out of the background or made the kids in the picture laugh. I'm pretty good at that.

Get this. She got her dress from China. Never tried on or nuthin. Didn't even see a picture of it. Okay, she saw a picture and sent in her measurements and money, and they sent back this beautiful dress. I was super impressed. I don't know if I have the guts to do it, but I'm glad it worked for her. Especially because she saved mucho dinero.

That's me standing next to the groom in the picture above. These weddings have really taken a toll on my appearance. Rachel got married in the Billings, Montana LDS temple. Behind the temple there is this wide field with gorgeous rocky cliffs in the background. I only saw the pictures on the camera and they're breath taking; I'm excited to see them once Adrian puts them up. Yes, Adrian, that was a subtle message to you.

After the wedding, we went back down to the farm which was near Cody, Wyoming. While waiting for the reception, I went and kicked it with the calves.

Remember how I caught the bouquet at wedding #1, but not at wedding #2? Well I was destined to catch it at wedding #3. Mainly because I was the only single gal who was still there. But part of it really was destiny, I just know it. When I get that picture of me fending off the non-existent single crazies, I'll make sure to post that.

I have such awesome friends and am so glad I can attend their weddings. I'll be going to wedding #4 in a couple of weeks (that will be for my cousin Gina) and then it looks like I'll have a little breather.

Speaking of breathers, you probably had to take a potty break this blog post is so long. But now it's the end and I get to tell you my exciting news.

I'm moving to Alaska.

You read that right. I'll be moving to Fairbanks, Alaska, in April to work for the cruise lines as a tour bus driver and guide. Essentially, I'll drive a 40 foot bus while entertaining...er...explaining touristy things. I get a microphone and a captive audience and I'm getting paid. Life doesn't get much better than this, folks.

I have a feeling that once I get to Alaska this little blog is going to be updated a little more regularly than it has been. Someone suggested I set up a Twitter account and repeat the funny things people say to me. Or vice versa. So start sending me your favorite Alaska jokes.

Kisses!

Halloween Grays

2011-11-17T23:14:00.000-08:00

I had the best Halloween costume planned out. I didn't think of it, but I haven't seen someone in real life wear it (this is as opposed to fake life, which we all know consists of Kardashians).

I was going for the "desaturated" look, like these:

Instead, I got this:

I felt like a wannabe sparkly vampire. And I definitely did not wannabe a sparkly vampire.

When people would ask what I was, instead of explaining to them how I epically failed, I said "what do you think I am?" Whatever answer they gave I would enthusiastically nod and say "that's exactly right! How did you know?"

Maybe next year I'll drink a lot of water and go as "saturated."

Carlos Norris

2011-11-16T00:30:00.001-08:00

Today I was sad. I needed something to make me happy. I photoshopped Chuck Norris in his true identity -- Carlos Norris. Yep, that's his real name.

Here's Chuck Norris, the one we all know and love:

And here's Carlos Norris, the one too scary to even make jokes about:

I feel happier.

All Those Ls

2011-10-31T01:03:00.000-07:00

It seems that all anyone does these these days is "live laugh love." Whatever happened to the other "L" verbs of life?

-Lose
-Lick
-Lap
-Lend
-Luggle (it's like juggle, but with an L)
-Log
-Lurk
-Lust
-Locust-eat
-Lash
-Lead
-Leak
-Level
-Lock

Wow. After awhile, L verbs start looking very weird.

When I do get married, I will only accept picture frames with the words "Lose Luggle Lurk." It might just have to become my life motto.

There's An App For That

2011-10-23T23:39:00.000-07:00

I'm going to share something with you. I don't have a smartphone. Please still be my friend. But if I did have a smartphone, these are some of the apps I would make for it (and then I'd sell them and make $$$millions$$$; but I'd give them to you for free, of course).

Pregnancy App: Pee on your phone. If it still works after you've done that -- congrats, you're pregnant.

Dumb People Alert: Alerts you as you approach dumb people. Going into public may cause it to work too hard and eventually break.

Get You Hired App: Writes meaningful cover letters targeting future employers. *Must be prepared to show extraordinary skills (like nunchuck skills) to said future employers during interviews.

Scratch n' Sniff App: In beta version; works best for things that actually smell like glass or plastic.

Ironing App: Shirt wrinkled before big meeting? This app overheats your phone; press phone to shirt and voila! *One time use app.

Paranoia App: Lets you know when someone's watching you. Then again, we're always watching you.

Hebrew Word App: Translates every word in the bible into Hebrew and tells you how to pronounce it correctly. You'll be the smartest (albeit most annoying) cat in Sunday school.

Happy Bird Game: Colorful birds help green pigs build fortresses while cheerfully singing their birdy songs. Bambi and his alive mother make an appearance.

Name That Movie

2011-10-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

"Audrey, quick name the movie that this quote belongs to: "You're like my own personal brand of heroin."
"I don't know."
"Seriously? Think about it."
"No, I really don't know."
"How about Twilight, when Edward is talking to Bella?"
"Oh. All I could think of was Ke$ha. You know, 'you're love is my drug.'"

Season's Greetings

2011-10-21T23:49:00.000-07:00

The other day my sister and I were talking about seasons. It came up that she doesn't exactly have a firm grasp on the order of the seasons. She said "well I know when winter and summer are, but I get mixed up with the other two."

I said "Well if you know when those two are, the rest should fall into place. Spring comes after winter and before summer, and fall comes after summer and before winter."

She looked at me like I was an idiot and said "Yeah. That makes no sense whatsoever."

Hey, I tried.

Capitol "C" Crazy

2011-10-21T00:06:00.000-07:00

My grandma came to live with us. She's 82 and is mostly deaf. When she came to live with us she was crazy with a capitol "C." And my parents were in Utah/Idaho dropping my brothers off to school. So I got to take care of crazy grandma.

It was the most adventurous three nights of my life.

The first night she wouldn't sleep in her room because she thought there was a man with his dog in there. Hours I slept: 6.

The second night I took her to the ER at midnight because of a blood sugar scare (she's a diabetic). When we were coming home I was playing the radio (because by then it was 3 a.m. and something had to keep me awake). There was a steady bass beat going and she looked concerned at me and said "Elissa, is that your heart? Are you okay?" Hours I slept: 4.

The third night she thought she had to go to work, so she'd put on her purse and proceed to find an exit. It'd take her a couple of minutes to figure out how to unlock the door and then I'd re-lock it. She would look at me and say "what'd you do that for?" Then she'd wobble over to another door and the charade would start again. You'd think she'd get worn out and want to go to sleep. Nope. This went on all night until 3 a.m., when I called a family friend to come granny-watch before I joined her in the looney bin. Hours I slept: 3.

The day my parents came home I let her out into the front yard where she tried to open the door to the truck. When that didn't work, she started yelling at some imaginary person who was in the truck to open the door. When that didn't work, she got into the bed of the truck and sat there, ready to go to work. I then called my parents and asked them how much longer before they got home.

When my parents did get home, she introduced me to her son, who just so happens to be my father, who I just so happen to live with. And once my parents came home, she was no longer crazy.

Turns out she had a massive urinary tract infection which apparently makes older people go crazy. Once they get over the infection, they go back to just old-crazy, not capitol C crazy.

That was the beginning of September and I think it took me the rest of the month to screw my head back on. What did you do in September?

More grandma stories to come.

Dog Showers

2011-10-15T23:11:00.000-07:00

My 13 year old brother, Tanner, just asked me "Do you think it's weird if you find a dog attractive?" I didn't have an answer for him.

The other night, after everyone had gone to bed and I was up wasting away my life watching TV, Tanner came down stairs with wet hair and a shocked look on his face.

"Elissa, why did I just take a shower?" It's 11:40 p.m. I start laughing. He asks me again. "Elissa, why did I just take a shower?"

I said "Did you really just take a shower?" He nods his head.

"I got up, took a shower and then saw that it was still dark. Why did I do that?" I told him that happens to lots of people, who think it's time to get up and get ready when it's still only 11:40 at night (although, oddly enough, I've actually never done that). He just kept looking at me, like someone had given him the David-after-the-dentist-drug. I asked if he wanted to go back to his room, but he said it was too creepy. So he snuggled up on the couch and I finished watching The Office.

*Update: After the awesome email I sent to a job offer, I find out the whole thing is a scam. Look at me, wasting my best words on a scam.

*And someone had asked what kind of dog Max is. He's a White German Shepherd.

*I also finished reading The Help. I loved it. Though, it did make me want a maid (I don't care what her race is). Is that bad?

Seriously, Hire Me

2011-10-11T13:51:00.000-07:00

I found a receptionist position for an optometrist office on Craigslist. In the job description they said "please send your resume along with an email telling us about yourself. In your email help us get to know you better!" This is my email to them:

Hello! My name is Elissa Stewart, and I'm interested in the receptionist position. I have red hair, a warm demeanor and am able to help those around me feel comfortable in any given situation. Unless we're in a falling elevator -- there just wouldn't be enough time to approach a comfortable vibe.

I do not wear glasses, but both of my parents do, so there's a good chance in the future I'll need them as well. What better way to prepare for my future than to work in an Optometrist office. There I go, preparing for my future. I like to be ahead of the game, even if that game is called "life."

I'm a multitasker at heart, as I can breathe and have my heart beating all at the same time. And I don't even think about it. I'm able to copy and answer phone calls at the same time. This will surely impress the patients in the front office, which will subconsciously make them want to come back more than is actually necessary.

Like a falling elevator, don't let the opportunity to meet and interview me pass you by. With my 20/20 vision, I look forward to hearing your response.

I should be hired by this time tomorrow.

*UPDATE: Turns out it's a scam to get your credit score or something. Fools.

As Seen On TV

2011-10-10T00:34:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard the saying "don't reinvent the wheel?" I think it can be attributed to the guy that has the copyright laws to the wheel and is dreading someone making a better wheel.

I accept the challenge. I am going to remake all reality TV shows.

"The Amazing Pace"

Senior citizen contestants must race down Main Street in a small town in this 10 day challenge.

"Real Housewives of Provo"

Who is the craftiest, biggest haired, designer dressed, caffeine obsessed, bloggingist mom?

"Project Runaway"

Contest of runaway children to see who actually makes it to the circus. Winner gets to become emancipated minor.

"Deadliest Match"

Young single adults steer through tumultuous waters of hormones and rejection to find their soul mate. *Intense show, not suitable for...well anyone really.

"Extreme Makeover: Cubicle Edition"

Three words -- "Move that chair!"

"The Biggest Gainer"

What? Super skinny people don't deserve love and attention as well?

"What Not to Bare"

Because modest is the hottest

"19 Land Before Times and Counting"

I admit, that's a groaner.

"So You Think You Can Lance?"

Unfortunately, if you loose, you die.

"Miami Sink"

Life of a Miami plumber. No tattoos, but plenty of skin.

"America's Next Top Toddler"

The stars of Toddlers and Tiaras with Tyra. Say that 3 times fast.

Favorite App

2011-10-06T12:48:00.000-07:00

When applying for a design job, this is what I wrote under the prompt "briefly describe why you are the perfect candidate for this job."

Many people are creative. I am not. I am above creative. I am the supercalifragilisticexpialidocious of creative design. I'm like your favorite app -- there when you need me and ready to work. Install me today.

Honestly, what else am I supposed to write?

I'd Like to Introduce You

2011-09-20T00:05:00.000-07:00

There's someone new in my life. That's why it's been so long since a post.

We met through my grandma.

He has dark chocolate brown eyes and he has the most intense stare I've ever seen.

Like me, he loves food.

We've gone on nighttime walks together.

He's very protective of me, but at the same time can get a little mouthy.

We both have European ancestors; mine Scottish, his German.

I've taught him a thing or two, and he's taught me as well.

Like me, he likes naps during the day.

We don't really cuddle, but he has definitely kissed me.

I'd like to introduce you to Max.

I Promise to Look After It

2011-08-29T00:03:00.000-07:00

I made up a survey to figure out the perfect family pet.

1) Are you a fan of Michael Vick? If yes, get a cat. A dog would get you time in the slammer.

2) Did you watch Steve Irwin growing up? If so, that's really creepy. What were you, his Aussie neighborhood stalker, watching him from birth to fame? Get no pets.

3) After watching Finding Nemo did you a) flush your fish down the toilet or b) want to join a "Fish are Friends Not Food" club ? If you picked a, get a pelican. If you picked b, find a friend who can talk to whales but forgets your name and call her your Squishy.

4) When you see someone pushing a stroller, do you shriek with delight to find they're pushing dogs and not babies? If yes, get a bear. You need a reality check.

5) Do you like to paint? Follow my friend Bob Ross and get a pet squirrel.

6) Do you tend to tell stories that aren't true? A dodo bird is right up your alley.

7) Are you annoyed with life in general? Then I'm sure you already have plenty of pet peeves.

Maybe I should write surveys for a living. I'd make bank.

Ode to Color

2011-08-27T15:10:00.000-07:00

There is an art form (?) that is taking over Pinterest. One day, I was feeling especially crafty and decided to do it. But because I'm me, I can't follow directions exactly. It goes against my DNA.

The craft is this, to take crayons, glue them to the top of a canvas, and then take a blow dryer and melt those suckers. The end result for the usual craft looks like this:

Cool, right?

I wanted to do a circle (I'm kind of obsessed with circles right now. I really want my wedding invites to be circular. Don't steal my idea.). Here is my result:

I didn't use enough yellow and I probably let all the colors run into each other too much in the middle. Oh well. I also had to take the crayons off because the crayons I used were in particularly crappy condition, so they didn't look very good still stuck on there. I don't know if I'm going to keep it or not. I just did it on poster board, maybe I'll do 50 more until I can get a master piece.

All in all, super easy fun craft that makes you feel like a kid again.

Because Newsletters are the Only Thing I Ever Write Anymore

2011-08-22T00:34:00.001-07:00

Thank you to Sarah, for the awesome lesson on chastity today. Moral of the morals: don't play baseball (as in don't even get to first base) and don't let your boobs hang out (as bluntly stated by Melanie). Speaking of celibacy, when I went on my mission my non-member grandfather asked my mom if I was becoming a nun. She said "she just can't date on her mission, but when she gets home she can get married." To which my grandfather replied: "Well you know what they say about nuns, they didn't get nun, they ain't getting nun, and they ain't ever going to get nun." He was from Missouri.

Speaking of being from Missouri, I think we should celebrate our celibate lives more. In case you didn't know what to celebrate each day of this week, I've researched to find out some holidays you probably don't know about. And no, I actually didn't make these up, because let's be honest, my daily holidays probably would have been a lot cooler. Like Sunday was national Senior Citizen's Day. Bring gifts for the bishopric.

Monday: FHE 7 p.m. Woodruff Building. Today is national Be An Angel Day. The Phantom wanted Christine to be an angel of the night, but I think that's pushing the bounds of the law of chastity.

Tuesday: Volleyball 8 p.m. Woodruff Building. Today is National Spongecake Day. Bake someone a spongecake. Or, if you're feeling really creative, bake them a Sponge Bob.

Wednesday: Today is national Get Your Visiting Teaching Done Day. Enough said.

Thursday: Institute starts up again, 7 p.m., at Institute Building Today is national Kiss and Make Up day. In keeping with our "no baseball" policy, I'm changing it to national Cordially-Shaking-Hands-While-Parents-Watch and Make Up Day.

Friday: Today is Woman's Equality Day. Go figure, I learned something while doing this email. Today celebrates the 19th amendment of the Constitution, giving women the right to vote. Until actually voting begins, take an internet poll to determine who wore it better: The Chiquita Banana Lady or Carmen Miranda.

Saturday: Baptism of Whitney! 11 a.m., Rancho Stake Center (that'd be the one on Etiwanda). Global Forgiveness Day. In case you're having trouble forgiving that special enemy, look at this site and you'll even want to hug your nemesis.

Sunday: Choir Practice 12 p.m. Woodruff Building. Today is Race Your Mouse Around the Icons on Your Computer Screen Day. Told you I didn't make these up.

Please remember to keep bringing in those school supplies.

Whew. I hope you appreciate how much I have just educated you all. And I humbly accept that August be deemed National Elissa is Awesome Month. You shouldn't have.

Newsletter Overload

2011-08-14T22:16:00.000-07:00

I'm going to do something really strange. I'm posting all the RS newsletters I've done so far. It's more for me than for you. But you're also welcome to it. It will be a really long post and I don't expect you to read all of them. I do, however, expect you to appreciate the fine art of each one, and take a moment to consider the finite details that make them great.

August 14, 2011

As a RSP, I don't hate many things, because I'm supposed to be full of love, but there is no love lost over spam (the viral, the post delivered and the canned version). Good thing you get to open your inbox and see that this is not spam. At least I hope not.

Monday: FHE 7 p.m. Woodruff Building. Haven't found love yet? Try FHE, the non-online way to meet someone. Our chemistry experts don't do a single thing to help you out. But, go now, and you'll get a free membership for the rest of your life!

Tuesday: Volleyball 8 p.m. Woodruff Building. Local mom reveals secrets of cleaning a volleyball to sparkling white. Come see why dentists and Tom Hanks hate her.

Thursday: No Institute at No Time at No Building (Institute will start up again next week). Want to make $5,000 a week from home? So do I.

Saturday: Baptism for Tia at 1 p.m., Rancho Stake Center. YOU ARE AN INSTANT WINNER!!!! *Must attend an eternal time share presentation by ward missionaries to receive prize.

Saturday: Griffith Observatory Trip. Meet at Woodruff Building at 5 p.m. to carpool. Contact Jana about carpooling later that evening. Gold prices are at an all time high; secure your future by using gold bullion instead of beef bouillon.

Other Important Items:

*A sister from Utah, Rachel, is moving down here and is looking for a place to live. Preferably LDS roommates. Please let me know asap if you know of anybody who has a place for her to live. Or if you know of a low interest credit card that doubles your reward points, pays off your student loans, and protects you from federal government conspiracy theorists.

*We're doing great with the school kits! Here is what we still need:

Colored Pencils (12 pk): 20 packs

Blunt-Nosed Scissors: 20

Pencil Sharpener: 7

Rubber Eraser: 12

Spiral Bound Notebook (70 pgs.): 120

Spiral Bound Notebook (100 pgs.): 26

Ruler: 18

Bring them to the church or contact Rachel Wheeler. Then take a survey to enter to win an iPad 2! (iPad 2 prize is a framed picture of an iPad 2, not an actually iPad 2).

*And finally, the RS is in charge of the ward Halloween party. If you're interested in being part of a committee to plan it, let me know. Find great deals on used brooms online. Certified pre-cursed.

Love Elissa, who will not be able to bail you out of jail or fight your legal case. Use the internet to find that kind of junk.

August 8, 2011

Was there weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth at church today because I was not there? I understand. My dear sisters, it is because I am in the Jello Belt (you might find it on a map under "Utah"). But I did miss you all terribly. And I will be back live in person next Sunday. As the hymn book says, Onward Christian Soldiers (to more important things besides where I happen to be at the moment).

Mon: FHE 7 p.m. Woodruff Building. When the early saints were having a locust crisis, multitudes of seagulls came and ate them all up. That is why the seagull is Utah's state bird. That doesn't mean they are a respecter of persons when it comes to the bird droppings found on your car.

Tues: Volleyball 8 p.m. Woodruff Building. Many members in Utah like to play volleyball. But they are wary of dancing. Don't believe me? Watch Footloose.

Wed: Baptisms for the dead. Meet at Woodruff Building at 6:30 p.m. to carpool to temple. It would technically be possible to hit up 8 temples in one day if you were in the Salt Lake area. But please don't actually hit the temples.

Thurs: Institute 7 p.m. It is true, there is almost a church on every corner here in Utah. And if it's not a church, it's a Cafe Rio or cupcake place.

Friday: Rancho Dance 9 p.m. Rancho Stake Center. Did you watch Footloose? Are your feet loose?

Sat: Beach party. Meet at Woodruff Building at 8 a.m. for carpooling. Dinner will be provided, as well as fun in the sun. Utahans are land locked and don't have immediate access to an ocean. They do, however, have access to a lake filled with salt. I still don't understand why it's not a more popular surfing site.

If I see an apostle, or President Monson, I'll tell them the Deer Creek RS said hello. Now where did I put that green jello...
-Elissa

July 31, 2011

Do you like roller coasters? Then why is it when people say "my life is like a roller coaster" it's a negative thing? Let's start a trend and make our roller coaster lives out to be awesome. Because they are awesome. Just keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times.

Over at the visiting teaching booth, Kayla has asked that we not only do our VTing but also report it. There is the possibility of winning a giant spiritual teddy bear. Please text, facebook, email or send word by carnie of your VT results.

Monday: FHE 7 p.m. We weren't able to get bumper cars in time for tomorrow night, so we're going the old fashioned route: bumping into people without cars. Please bump responsibly.

Tuesday: Volleyball 8 p.m. Dress up like clowns and honk your red nose every time your team makes a point.

Wednesday: Book Club 7 p.m. Danielle Demke's Tent. Discussing The City of Bones. Danielle is still trying to pull strings to get a bearded lady to her house for that night, but we may have to settle with Kelsey's curly head.

Thursday: Institute 7 p.m. I hear Brother Price is an excellent ring leader when it comes to taming the scriptures. Or his students. I always get the two confused.

Friday: I encourage everyone to march throughout their house singing "76 Trombones." Anyone that sends me proof that they convinced 76 trombonists to come and play at their house gets to stay at my house for a night. Because your parents/roommates will probably kick you out after that parade. Honorable mention goes to finding double bell euphoniums. (*Side tangent note: I once had a crush on a euphoniumist.)

Saturday: Did you hear about the circus fire? It was intense (read out loud).

Sunday: Fast Sunday. Perfect opportunity to apply everything we learned in RS today, and clear your system of cotton candy overload. I know 6 days of cotton candy at every meal does a number on my stomach. Good thing I throw in some popcorn now and then. And a churro. Can't forget the churro.

Other main attractions (*Side tangent note #2: My girl's camp name was Main Attraction. Imagine that):

Go to The Root 66 Garden website to find out if we start voting. More on that after I find Dumbo and claim him as my personal flying vehicle (don't tell PETA or Disney).

Please continue to collect school supplies for the Zambia children! Blue ribbons upon your head when you bring them in.

Thanks for everything you do. Let me know what I can do for you. I do, however, cross the line at putting swords or fire down my throat.

-Elissa

July 24, 2011

Apparently, last week's newsletter was such a spellbinder that it was told to me to make every newsletter a special edition. As your servant, I can only bow to your wishes. This week we're crossing the plains of the internet to bring you a pioneer newsletter, via covered-email-wagon.

Monday: FHE 7 p.m. Woodruff Building. Collect your buffalo chips for wood and bring them for a fire that will never be lit. Pound of flour goes to anyone who can actually find a real buffalo chip before tomorrow night. Please contain in reinforced ziploc bag.

Tuesday: Volleyball 8 p.m. Woodruff Building. Pioneer children walked and walked and walked and walked, you can spike and spike and spike and spike. If the other team seems to be too threatening, circle up the wagons. You won't win by doing this at all, but at least the women and children will be safe in the middle.

Wednesday: Life on the trail can be lonely. Steer your oxen towards the girls you visit teach. Bring homemade prairie jam, or some strawberries so she can make it herself. Those who don't do their visiting teaching this month may get metaphorical dysentery.

Thursday: Institute 7 p.m. Institute Building. Counting rocks can get boring - join others who are also bored counting rocks and learn more about why you're traveling to Zion.

Friday: Dust off that pretty calico dress and gingham bonnet and rope some cowboy into taking you square dancing. Extra fancy ribbons goes to any lady that can get two cowboys to brawl over her.

Saturday: It's a special day. It's a day to get ready for Sunday.

Sunday: Bring any school supplies for the Zambia Kits and we'll give you a piece of chocolate that might look like buffalo droppings but will taste a whole lot better.

Well I'm still waiting for some cowboy to take me away into that wild blue, but until then -- you can find me at my wagon (email inserted here) or use the satellite pony express at (cell phone number here).

See you in Zion. Hopefully sooner.

-Elissa

July 17, 2011
Yes, the Harry Potter series is over, so I think we can now get back to reading the scriptures. And visiting teaching. Although, you could always take the girls you visit teach to go see the movie. Tie the gospel in somehow and I'll let you call it good (i.e. "Voldemort represents evil. We must fight evil. We don't have wands. But we have faith. The end."). But no more skipping Relief Society to have Harry Potter discussions. I'll take 50 points from your house.

Monday: FHE (Finding Husband Event) 7 p.m. Woodruff building. Take off your invisibility cloak and cast a flirty spell on someone special (this is beginning to sound like a horoscope, which it is definitely not. I would be okay if they shoved this in a fortune cookie though).

Tuesday: Volleyball 8 p.m. Woodruff building. I'll let you pretend the volleyball is really a bludger and you can hit it as hard as you want.

Thursday: Blood drive at the stake center. There may be a Madame Pomfrey look-a-like sticking you.

Thursday: Institute 7 p.m. I hear the teacher teaches defenses against the dark arts (things such as going to church, reading your scriptures, doing your visiting teaching, and knowing your primary colors).

Friday: Choose your own adventure! Today I will (eat chocolate frogs/ride a train/send J.K. Rowling a Book of Mormon).

Saturday: Getty Museum Trip 10 a.m. meet at Woodruff building. No cost to get into the museum, but there is a parking fee (unless you ride your Nimbus 2000). May want to bring a sack lunch (but there is also food to buy there). If you look at the paintings long enough, I'm pretty sure the figures start moving. After multiple secret words, none would open to revel spacious common rooms. I'm hoping things will be different this Saturday.

As always, you can reach me by owl, but I prefer the muggle networks (email and phone). My fireplace is bricked over, so please don't try floo powder. For the future, don't expect a RS Newsletter Twilight Edition, but don't put it past me either. I do accept themed suggestions.

-Elissa and the rest of the head table.

Wow. Did you seriously just read all of those? Or did you just scroll to the very end? Still. I'm impressed. You know how to use a mouse.

Where have all the balls gone?

2011-08-02T23:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was thinking about things you can't/don't do anymore as an adult. And then I remembered the ball pit at Chuck-E-Cheese's. The mulit-colored hollow plastic spheres of happiness and carriers of undiscovered diseases. The joy of swimming in a sea that you didn't get wet in (if you were lucky). Being able to float on top, or sink to the bottom. The sound that multiple balls make when you move ever so slightly.

That thought led me to the thought that if I happened to be in a situation where I was
1) being chased by bad guys and
2) also happened to be in a place like Chuck-E-Cheese's
would I hide in the ball pit? Because you could bury yourself under a heap of those beautiful balls, but perhaps some would spill over and the bad guys would know exactly where you were. And then you would be cornered, and it's not easy to sprint away from a ball pit.

Three simple truths emerged from these ball-y thoughts:
1) I don't know where the best hiding place from bad guys would be if you were in Chuck-E-Cheese's
2) Most of my thoughts turn to how I'd escape bad guys in any given situation
3) I really want to swim in a pit of balls. Diseases or not.

Fun Things To Do At A Museum

2011-07-23T00:43:00.000-07:00

Did you miss me? I was house watching/living in a friend's house that didn't have internet. Nobody knows the troubles I've seen.

Tomorrow I'm going to the Getty Museum with my single's ward. The art nerd in me is super excited. I've been before, but it was five years ago. I wanted to have some sort of fun activity (like a scavenger hunt) once there, but I couldn't find any.

Instead, I made up my own (with some ideas from my brother, Trenton). Here is my list of fun things to do at a museum. I recommend doing almost none of them, but I'll let you know if I'm stupid enough to try them out.

1. Two people pretend to speak a foreign language or have a deep accent of some sort and argue over a piece of art. Use lots of hand motions.

2. Look at a painting inquisitively for a really long time then suddenly jump up, clap and say “I get it!” Look very pleased with yourself. Works best with simple art, like a picture of a fruit bowl.

3. Ask a guard/curator “Where is the 21st Century Plumbing Exhibit?” (a.k.a, where is the bathroom).

4. Re-enact a scene from a painting next to the painting. Hold still for as long as possible. Please keep clothes on if scene happens to have nudes.

5. Pretend to be a tour guide. Try to get strangers in your group. Make up believable stories about each piece.

6. Take a painting off a wall and see what happens. Just don’t do it in my presence and make sure someone video tapes it.

7. Go up to someone looking at a piece and while whispering tell them you know it’s a fake, but the FBI doesn’t take your calls anymore. Look paranoid and shift your eyes. Tell them to spread the word, and then disappear as quickly as possible.

8. Pretend to be an art student replicating a painting. Except use your iPad, sketch app and finger.
9. Tell people you’ve lost your seeing-eye ferret. Bump into things. Not statues. Or Greek vases.

10. Tell guards you’re blind and have to touch every painting to “see” it.

11. Ask a guard if he has a lighter for your cigarette.

12. Only converse through song lyrics. This has nothing to do with a museum, but sounds entertaining.

13.Talk to a piece of art as if it were talking to you. Ask others around you what the art seems to be saying to them. Act like the art offended you and walk away.

14. Acting official, go around telling visitors you are taking a survey of their experience. Ask them if they have had any feelings of nervousness, dizziness, headaches, or strong urges to urinate, etc.

15. Survey option #2: Ask questions that have nothing to do with the museum. Like what their feelings are about dogs vs. cats. Nod in interest and mark on random piece of paper.

16. Using your phone or iPod, go up to the information desk and show them pictures from the internet of art you think the museum should acquire. Throw in a couple of pieces by kindergarteners.

17. Stand in front of a painting, then go limp and close your eyes. Start to shake and pretend the spirit of the dead artist has embodied you (think Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost). Rant about the lack of understanding people have about your piece. Call other famous artists cheats and imitators. Start painting in the air.

18. Pretend to be a spy meeting an informant for the first time. Go up to a stranger and say something crazy like: “At what time will the rooster leave the coop?” When they look at you funny, ask them if they are (make up name), then tell them your whole conversation never happened and they shouldn’t tell anyone. Their life depends on it.

19. Randomly turn around, take someone’s palm and read their future. Then apologize for your psychic visions.

Any great ideas to add to this list?

We Found Big Foot

2011-07-03T19:46:00.001-07:00

26

2011-06-21T23:16:00.001-07:00

Birthdays suck. Good thing they only come once a year.

Here's to karma

2011-06-18T01:55:00.000-07:00

I was going through some old facebook messages and found this one that I sent to a friend. It's pretty classic.

"My 11 year old brother just got his own e-mail, so he's been introduced to the world of sappy emails that you forward on or karma will punish you. He sent me the one of a poem "written" by a girl dying of cancer with 6 months left to live who will never go to prom or have a family or blah blah blah. Also, it says for every person you forward it onto the American Cancer Society will donate 3 cents to her treatment. I told my mom, wow, I got this e-mail over 8 years ago, so it looks like this girl is still living and probably went to prom."

Tell 10 people about this blog or earthworms will infest your morning cereal.

Bet Your Newsletter Isn't Like This

2011-06-12T23:54:00.000-07:00

I apparently can't come up with original blog posts, so instead I'm torturing you with another e-mail I sent. This is the weekly RS newsletter I email out (it obviously changes from week to week). What can I say, I like seeing my post quantity up. But I do promise this isn't like usual Relief Society newsletters.

After today's lesson (about talents for those of you who missed it), I decided to focus on developing my newsletter skills. You'll be seeing newsletters that have even more thought put into them, like "when life gives you lemons, re-gift them to a friend who is getting married." Man alive, my newsletter talent is blossoming already. What talent are you going to develop? I'd love to know.

Monday: FHE at the Northpark Ward building to make pinewood derby cars. Little known fact -- Fred Flinstone traded in his stone and foot mobile for a pinewood derby car. Unfortunately, it only worked on downward slopes.

Tuesday: Volleyball at 8 p.m. The volleyball currently being used was made in the same factory as "Wilson," the only famous volleyball from the movie Castaway.

Wednesday: Fontana Stake YSA activity "Music Appreciation." I myself enjoy listening to a well rehearsed symphony of dog whistles.

Thursday: Institute at 7 p.m. I'd be careful if the teacher tells you to open your heart to the scriptures; leave that stuff to heart surgeons.

Friday: Dance somewhere. No, really, dance wherever you happen to be Friday night.

Saturday: National Clean Out Whatever Is Under Your Bed day. This especially applies to those who keep the trolls with the jeweled bellies captive beneath their bed -- pretty sure that's against the law in some countries.

Sunday: Father's Day -- so no potluck; instead cook your dad something real nice. But don't cook your nice neighbors. That's considered cannibalism and a violation of your home owner's association.

*Those sisters who signed up for baptisms on the 14th -- this is your reminder that you are supposed to be there at 6 p.m. Feel free to carpool, but don't ever poolcar.

*There was a mathematical error in last week's newsletter. Apparently the probability of meeting your EC at either FHE or linger longer is equal to the probability of meeting him at FHE plus the probability of meeting him at linger longer MINUS the probability of meeting him at both. 72.3% + 72.3% - (72.3% x 72.3%) = 92.3%. Not the 144.6% we were shooting for, but I say they are still good odds.

Until next Sunday (which by the way, the new Bishopric assigned me to talk, so come and show your love for me. And of course for Jesus.), I bid you a week of hugs, loves, and puppy dog doves. Whatever those are.

Your stalwart presidency: [I usually include phone numbers and e-mail addresses, but to protect their innocence, I deleted it.]

President: Elissa *Once thought she could turn grapes into raisins if she held them on a plate and stood outside long enough.

1st Counselor: Iris *Attempted to memorize the dictionary, but got stuck on aardvark.

2nd Counselor: Danielle*Graduates this Saturday. We always knew she'd make it through driver's ed!

Secretary: Rachel Wheeler *Brushes her teeth with habanero peppers to get her going in the morning.

Math and Sleep

2011-06-12T01:33:00.000-07:00

It's 1:22 a.m. and I should be in bed, but I hate going to bed. It means disturbing dreams and having to find motivation in the morning. I'm still looking for it, but it's proving to be an elusive bugger.

I got a job.

I'm a part time office assistant working for a man who works from home who sells ink cartridges for a fraction of the price (here is his site, WholesaleToners.com . He's getting a new one and I'm helping with a new logo.)

I've had it for a week but didn't really want to tell anyone until I made sure I actually had the job. (Remember this story?). So of course I feel super blessed, and the guy I work for is really great.

One of my favorite teachers/people of all time, Caryn Esplin, invited me to go to Photoshop World with her and some students this September in Vegas. This was my reply to her:

Sis Esplin,

Photoshop world, huh? Do you realize what happened by you just mentioning the mere fact that I should go hang out in Vegas with one of my favorite people (you, not an Elvis impersonator) at a convention that is the equivalent of Hogwarts for a wizard? This is what happened:

1. I got really excited.

2. Then I did a little mathematical equation in my head.

     If a+b=c, then (a)me going to photoshop world + (b)you also being there = (c)me wanting to purchase CS5, more lenses, an external flash and a bodaciously big beautiful Mac. But we can't forget theorem e.

     Theorem e states that "if one has been graduated from college for over a year and finally just got a part time job as an office assistant making $8 dollars an hour all the while trying to pay off student debts, then this person has little money."

     We can then safely assume that a multiplied by c divided by b and squared by theorem e equals the the exponential circumference of an elephant's trunk.

     I think what the math book was trying to say is, "Man, I wish it could somehow all add up to a logical explanation and that theorem e wasn't a variable. We can only hope that *theorem x might become a variable of this hair brained equation."

    *Note: Theorem X states that one with little money is miraculously granted a large sum of money due to a leprechaun, a really big raise or a scholarship for having tendencies to fall asleep everywhere."

3. I'm still trying to recover from the mathematical equation I did in my head.

But you know what? I'll think about it. And pray for Theorem X.

And that's life in a pineapple shell right now.

I've Got the Magic

2011-06-04T01:28:00.001-07:00

Wands don't kill death eaters. Guns do.

<br><br>An

And for you Hannah fans out there; sorry to have to show you, Hannah is actually a demon that is possessing Miley.

Just How Lost?

2011-06-02T20:08:00.000-07:00

My sister is trying to get into a summer school P.E. program and my mom told her she needed her school transcripts.

Sister: "I thought I gave you the transcripts."
Mom: "No...you never did."
Sister: "Ugh! I hate keeping track of things. Why didn't you ask me for them last week when they were newly lost instead of today when they're really lost?"

Falling For You

2011-06-01T23:49:00.000-07:00

Last night, I turned on my lap top and it was struggling something awful. It would not start up, but had error programs running endlessly. To no one in particular I exclaimed in utter frustration "what happened to you?"

My sister then came over and said "Uh, you're going to be really mad at me."
Me: "Why, what happened?"
Her: "Well, I kind of dropped it. But it didn't fall very far. Just from the couch to the floor [hardwood floor I might add]."
Me: "Seriously?"
My mom: "Why didn't you tell anyone?"
Her: "Well I'm telling you now. Besides, when it happened, only dad was home, and I obviously didn't want to tell him."

I ran diagnostic computer junk for like an hour before giving up. At least it made it to three years.

Two Things

2011-06-01T00:38:00.000-07:00

1. My cousin just got a boyfriend via online dating.
2. I got made Relief Society President last Sunday.

1+2= The unsaid rule that now I'm RSP I need to get engaged, and the online dating thing just worked for my cousin (well she hasn't been reported a missing person yet anyway), so I once again browsed the online dating services without signing up or filling out all the questionaires (despite my occupation, see post below). I do this once every 8 or so months. I don't know if this makes me feel better or worse about myself.

However, I may have to send a flirt to the guy with no picture and whose summary only said "I am black." Perhaps I'll send him a message that says "I am white. Ebony and Ivory lived in harmony, I think we could too."

Survey Says

2011-05-25T16:34:00.000-07:00

I'm being spotlighted on our single ward's newsletter. They sent me this survey, and this is what I sent back.

Age: 25 years 11 months and 8 days
Home Stake: Upland
City: Rancho Cucamonga
Occupation: Filling out surveys about myself. This is my first gig. I'm really excited.
Education: B.A.
Family Rank: Wisest of 6 kids
Mission: Georgia Macon, Southern Speaking
Conversion Story: I never was good at math.
Status: Engaged in a good cause
What Qualities do you look for in a BF: A bowling score above 250, can wrestle alligators, has a paparazzi problem and can fluently speak pig Latin.
Most Embarrassing Moment: Falling asleep during a hymn when the whole congregation was standing -- I fell back into the pew. But actually, it wasn't really embarrassing. It was downright hilarious.
Goals: I was always a defender on my soccer team, so I never made any goals.
Person you most want to meet: Buddy the Elf
Song that best describes you: Good Little Girls Make Some Mighty Wild Women
If you were a superhero what would your special power be: Make life saving floatation devices out of marshmallow Peeps to save people from drowning.
Hobbies/Talents: Forming icicles out of water, carrying on a conversation while sleeping, reading books before they're written and kerning type.
Who's your hero: Michael Scott
If you were a gourmet dish what would you be: A silver platter.
Thing you’re most proud of: Slept in every building on BYU-Idaho's campus
Dreams: (car, date, etc.): I dream about alligators, sharks, killer whales and people chasing me.
What famous person do you resemble: Zooey Deschanel

Favorites I may have moderately changed some of the original topics...
Tempo (original "Temple"): Allegro
Profit (original "Prophet"): Donations to my bank account
General Author (original "General Authority"): J.K. Rowling
Color: Inferred
Mood (original "Food"): Ecstatic
Movie: Big Fish
Snack Food: Asparagus. Because we all cuss for asparagus.
Type face (original "Concert"): Chaparral, but Garamond comes close.
Music type: Paleolithic Rock (true classic rock)
Book: Go Dog Go
Movie Quote: "Is the place of records far?" -from The Testaments: Of One Fold and One Shepard
TV Show: Psych and Eureka
Song: Scripture Power (it keeps me safe from sin).
Childhood Memory: Getting locked in a department store at closing time because my mom forgot about me.
Ice Cream: Ben and Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie Chunk. For real, it will blow your mind.

Apple of my Pie

2011-05-24T21:09:00.000-07:00

My aunt wants to start a pie blog. All pie all the time. So she wants me to design it. Being the gracious person I am, I said yes. It gives me purpose in life.

The most important first step was coming up with a great name, which my sister actually thought of, "Apple of My Pie." But, that domain name is already taken, even though they haven't posted anything yet. And even though we could do .net or something, I didn't think it was a good idea unless we could have the .com. Other names were given, like "Princess and the Pie" or "Pie Politics," but she decided on "Pie Parade," (which just so happens to be a name I thought of. And an old Betty Crocker cook book -- didn't find that out until after).

Step two: design beautiful blog. Step one of step two is figuring out theme/banner/logo, because the rest of the blog design will fall into place. Yesterday we had a pie party so I could take lots of pictures. I really wanted to do a photo shoot resembling this banner (isn't it gorgeous?):

But ended up with this.

I knew mine wasn't going to turn out like that guy's, because he's a professional food photographer. But a girl can dream. I took some of my favorite elements from the shoot to create this collage, which reminds me a lot of my friend Melissa's floral inspiration boards -- thanks Melissa!

I really like the collage, I'm just not sure how I'll incorporate the name. Oh, woe to the little details. Here are some other photos; tell me what you think, or if you have a great idea for the blog banner/logo. My aunt and I were thinking the theme should be county fair/americana, with blues, reds and creams. And if you're in the area and we have another pie day, and you gave me a really good idea or led me to my future husband, I'll let you have some pie.

Side view. Duh.

Above: My mom and Aunt Quenta setting it all up. And my dog Captain chilling.

Fun fact, the pink quilt as the semi-back drop was made by my great great grandmother, the doily under the lemon pie was made by my grandmother and the picnic table was made by my father. And the trumpet, well that was just my brother's, but the fun fact about it is that there was $150 in a wallet in the trumpet case that my other brother had put there to "hide" like three years ago and we rediscovered it yesterday. You know your money is well hidden when even you forget where it is.

Why the rage?

2011-05-19T23:00:00.000-07:00

What is up with so many new movies coming out being 3D? Honestly, I live in a 3D world, and it's nice to view things in 2D for a change. It's one of the only reasons I go see movies. I hope this 3D fad dies like the Hansen's music career.

Because I Care

2011-05-18T20:23:00.000-07:00

I felt the need to post two posts in a day to make up for the lack of posting recently.

My mom had told my younger brother (Tanner) to change the laundry. She had forgotten to turn on the dryer, so when Tanner went to put the wet clothes from the washer in the dryer, he found the dryer to already be full of wet clothes. Being the smart kid that he is, he took the wet clothes out of the dryer, put them on top of the dryer, and put the other wet load in. Who said you couldn't kill any birds with 3 stones?

Also, I just found this site that has caused uncontrollable fits of hysteria (so much so that my dad who is concentrating on something of obvious importance told me "that's enough Elissa."). It's called (and excuse the language) "Shit My Students Write." I've included a couple of fine samples below, complete with titles/captions given to the selections (not of my doing):

Hot Potato
The potato literally encouraged the Irish to overbreed.

Never Forget
Was it the Revolutionary War or the Civil War that the Japanese dropped the atomic bomb on Pearl Harbor?

He Always Did Prefer Thighs and Drumsticks
Indians, the other dark meat, were saved from extinction by the humanitarian, Andrew Jackson.

Flipper was his homeboy
Steinbeck always wrote with a porpoise.

I don't remember the civil war, like, at all.
I’ve lived my whole life on the west coast and to me, the civil war seems like a really really long time ago

He's Embarking

2011-05-18T16:33:00.000-07:00

*Note: My senior brother, Trenton, had to have three adults write him a page of advice about life after high school. In his wisdom, he asked me to be one of those adults. This letter will be turned in to his teacher.

Dear Elissa Gator,
I am graduating from High School. As my sister, and advice columnist extraordinaire, what advice do you have to give me as I embark on this exciting time of my life? –TrennyWennyMenny

Brother,
You’re embarking? I had no idea you were leaving on a ship. Don’t expect that I’ll be there to see you off to sea. Hopefully this ship has a college on it. Hopefully you were accepted to the ship’s college, so you don’t have to be bound to KP duty. Hopefully they have oranges so you don’t get scurvy.

I have never been on a ship for a long period of time, so I can’t tell you what the best motion sickness medicine is to take. I’d call your local pharmacist and explain your situation. I do know that there will be a captain, and you need to obey all of his orders. If you don’t want to obey his orders, you and the rest of the crew need to start a mutiny and either put the captain in irons, or make him walk the plank. I’d suggest making him walk the plank, because it’d be fun to watch.

There will be very long days at sea without any wind. Your ship will be stuck in the middle of the ocean and you’ll most likely get cabin fever. Which is weird, because cabins are usually in the mountains, but I suppose you go crazy from lack of wind and think you’re in the mountains; hence why it’s called cabin fever. When going through cabin fever, make sure to hang your food in tall trees, lest the bears get it and you end up starving. The best way to starve is when you’re the most lucid, and cabin fever doesn’t rank high on the scale of sanity.

To pass time, you’ll need to make friends with others on the ship, especially the cook, because he’ll most likely turn out to be a pirate that is searching for treasure on an island ruled by a pig princess. Try not to upset the pig, as she packs a powerful round house kick that even Chuck Norris would be proud of. If you stick to doing your homework that gets assigned to you by the ship college, you shouldn’t have time to upset the pig. Moral of this paragraph: make friends with a frog.

If at any time it seems that your ship is sailing to world’s end or heading to Davy Jones’ locker, don’t freak out. This is natural nautical nothingness and will be resolved in sequel voyages. If you do freak out, call yourself Peter Pan and pretend you can fly. Others will avoid you for fear of contracting PeterPanitis, a whimsical disease only cured by believing in fairies. When pretending to fly, only pretend at safe heights, because the key word here is “pretending.”

There will be stormy nights where one of your crew mates has a statistical chance of getting himself thrown overboard. I know that because I read it on Wikipedia under “statistical chances of getting oneself thrown overboard during a stormy night on a ship.” So I guess technically you have a statistical chance of getting thrown overboard. I’d try to avoid the statistics by not being on the boat. Statistics for being thrown overboard are fairly low for people who are never on boats (although there have been some freak accidents, but don’t let that worry you).

Last of all, if you see a giant crocodile who sounds like he’s swallowed a giant clock, check your wrist and make sure he hasn’t swallowed your watch. Watches are hard to come by at sea.

Well, my dear little brother, I’m excited to hear of your adventures on the ocean blue, which Columbus sailed in 1492. You're welcome.