More Advice

Dear ElissaGator,
Sometimes, I hate this one person. I mean really hate. I know we shouldn't hate, but it seems like there should be an exception to the rule. Is there such an exception? Have you ever hated someone? -Hateful Hiedi

Hater,
Every so often a letter comes along that I have to agree with. There is an exception to the rule. That exception is that you can hate arm pits. Think about it, besides connecting your arm to your chest, what other redeeming qualities do they have? If you're a girl, you have to shave them. And just like how the cat came back the very next day, so does pit hair. If you're a boy, they're just micro storage bins for sweat and who knows what else.

They smell, they produce awful amounts of foul body fluid, and who looks good with their arms raised over their head showing the world the arm wasteland? Okay, maybe Michelle Obama, but we're obviously not going to reach her status. And when you're in a forsaken place with one gas station and one bathroom stall that has more profiles than eHarmony,  what do you call it? The pits. I'm glad I was able to help. Now I have to go earn money for laser hair removal.

Advice for the advice-less

Dear ElissaGator,
I just got up to school in a small town in the state OHADI* (names have been changed). I'll be graduating in two semesters but am just having such a hard time wanting to get into the whole school thing again. What should I do? -Apathetic Ann

Apathetic,
You sound like a loser. You obviously don't want to get into the whole school thing again because you probably have some sort of skin disease that makes people think they are seeing MJ's ghost walking. My advice to you would be to find a nice armadillo breeding farm and work as a sanitation officer there for the rest of your life. It's possible you'll find happiness. If not, maybe another syndicated help columnist can help, but I seriously doubt it. Good luck, not that you'll get any.

What's missing?

Here's a mind game. Look at the picture. Find out what's missing. Then pity me. Seriously, someone pity me for something. I just got to Rexburg and am for the most part happy, I just am in need of a couple of pity points. Please don't send pitas. Trying to cut down on the wheat intake.

I made it up myself

If you haven’t been able to deduce, it just so happens to be 1 am Sunday night but really Monday morning. I know. You’re thinking how jealous you are. I don’t want to make you jealous and therefore sin, it’s just a byproduct of who I am. Not byproduct like gas. That wouldn’t be so flattuencing. I mean flattering.

I was just about to type “when was the last time you had to pee in a cup” because it made me laugh because I saw this yellow cup sitting by me but then thought better of it and decided not to type it. Boy, sorry for the potty humor. It must be because I’ve been around my cousins’ kids all week and they’re young and in that potty stage. Which in reality I guess we all are. Until we die.

A couple of months ago I wanted to see if anyone would add me as a friend on facebook, so I looked up a random girl from Lehi or something who was still in highschool and requested to be her friend. She said yes. I can’t decide if that makes me feel better about myself or not. I haven’t written on her wall yet though. Maybe I should. Maybe that will make her feel better about herself.

I’m a little out of it. I should go to bed, but I took a late nap. Only because I didn’t have a nap during Sacrament meeting. Only because I went to my cousin’s baby’s blessing in a ward with 300 primary kids. Yep. Needless to say the energy in the room helped me stay awake. Maybe that’s what I need each week. To feed off the energy of others, especially little kids, like that Disney movie with Bette Midler “Hocus Pocus”. Needless to say there’s not as much type of energy in a single’s ward sacrament meeting. On an energetic side note, when the dad held up the baby to the congregation, his two younger daughters stood on the pew (not phew as in gross) and started clapping.  But needless to say once again that their clapping noises were engulfed by the sounds of the future leaders of Zion.

If you say needless to say is that some sort of cosmic point against you?

I think the other fact is that my brain may have slightly atrophied this past month or so. I just don't get near enough attention from people and because I'm not in school I have nothing to ruminate on. It must be true, I do feed off of other people. I should really consider that when I start eating cheese or some other lactose filled item. What if the people I’m feeding off of have just had a dairy snack? Will that induce a stomach ache? Oh, I just had another crazy thought that I’ll allude to without saying “what if I actually feed from people?” I’m glad that I don’t type basically whatever comes to mind. I mean I’m not Harry Potter. He wasn’t a cannibal, was he?

Sorry for the widows. What can I say, I’m a killer of complete lines of text. Does that mean I’m a textual predator?

Some Sunday Saunterings

I've decided I'm lactose intolerant. Does that make me stop eating ice cream? Not in particular. When I was younger I thought it was "lactose and tolerant". Which it obviously isn't.

Why is it that aliens usually look like a cross between insects,spiders, fish and human? Why don't they ever look like bambi? And they also usually have big eyes. I guess that's supposed to imply that the bigger the eyes the better you see the whole picture and then the better you see the whole universe. In which you can then attack it. I haven't even seen any alien movies lately. Okay, not entirely true, I did watch the end of Chicken Little.

If you blog in an empty forest, does anyone read it? Assuming you get WiFi.

What happens when I can't think of anymore profound things to say? Is anyone even reading this? Hello?

As they say in the South- I'm AGGRAVATED!

You would think that with me having had created a website and being somewhat knowledgeable in computers I would know how to fix this dumb problem, but I don't. It's my title posts. They're underlined and I hate them. They're ugly. And I tried the font and color settings, but for some reason it won't change a darn thing. Help me. Show me.

Austen could be rolling in her grave, or maybe walking...

"A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages; she must be well trained in the fighting styles of the Kyoto masters and moderns tactics of weaponry of Europe." -Mr. Darcy

Well said, Mr. Darcy. Obviously, if you know anything, you know Mr. Darcy comes from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. And if you know more than anything, you'll know that this quote seems a bit off. That would be because this is from Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. The same classic story, but besides fighting the social atrocities of pride and prejudices, the Bennet girls and all of England must also fight Zombies who roam the land waiting to eat living flesh.

I've only just begun, and I dare say I might have been a little scared going to bed last night. Not for the Zombie aspect, but because I just don't know if Mr. Darcy will ever come around. That's not true either. I actually read the first version in High School, and am not ashamed of saying that I've seen the A&E 6 hour version, the Mormon version, and the latest version staring Keira Knightly (Mrs. Darcy. Mrs. Darcy. Mrs. Darcy. Mrs. Darcy. Mrs. Darcy.).

Bascially, I love it. Highly recommend it. Especially if you want to read about modest 1800 Englishwomen forming (as Mr. Bennet so lovingly puts it) "the pentagram of death" (in which they then slay their way through zombies that crashed the first ball of the novel).

And now I must go study the Kyoto masters, so I too can be considered a well rounded woman and someone like Mr. Darcy will want to marry me.