Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
This Title is Really Small
Dear Elissa Gator,
I have been with my roommates for exactly one and a half weeks. I thought we got along okay, but then they went and short sheeted my bed. Can we say rude? I was so mad. Touching my stuff, getting all over the place where I slumber- seriously, who does that? And you know what they did? Just laughed. And laughed. Now I'm somewhat paranoid and keep remaking my bed for fear of them having messed something up. Can you publicly let them know how wrong it is to do something that mean? -Shorter Sheets Sally
Sheet Face,
I hear your pain. Actually, no I don't. I just wanted you for a second to feel like the cosmos cared about your pathetic problem. Let me get this straight- your roommates loved you so much that they went and pulled a harmless prank on you as a form of bonding and you in turn rejected their form of love language? Do you even understand the language of love? It's supposedly Latin. But Latin is dead. Don't let your friendship die because you aren't able to translate. I've spent many years studying love languages. The most important thing that I learned from my time with the monks of south LA is that sometimes when you least expect it... love happens. Or in your case you get short sheeted. But don't ever expect Jennifer Anniston or Aaron Eckhart to short sheet you (not even if you're least expecting it). What I'm trying to say is, maybe you should try sleeping in a short sheeted bed before you judge someone. You're welcome.
I have been with my roommates for exactly one and a half weeks. I thought we got along okay, but then they went and short sheeted my bed. Can we say rude? I was so mad. Touching my stuff, getting all over the place where I slumber- seriously, who does that? And you know what they did? Just laughed. And laughed. Now I'm somewhat paranoid and keep remaking my bed for fear of them having messed something up. Can you publicly let them know how wrong it is to do something that mean? -Shorter Sheets Sally
Sheet Face,
I hear your pain. Actually, no I don't. I just wanted you for a second to feel like the cosmos cared about your pathetic problem. Let me get this straight- your roommates loved you so much that they went and pulled a harmless prank on you as a form of bonding and you in turn rejected their form of love language? Do you even understand the language of love? It's supposedly Latin. But Latin is dead. Don't let your friendship die because you aren't able to translate. I've spent many years studying love languages. The most important thing that I learned from my time with the monks of south LA is that sometimes when you least expect it... love happens. Or in your case you get short sheeted. But don't ever expect Jennifer Anniston or Aaron Eckhart to short sheet you (not even if you're least expecting it). What I'm trying to say is, maybe you should try sleeping in a short sheeted bed before you judge someone. You're welcome.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Wait For It
Dear Elissa Gator,
I really like this girl. She sits in front of me in my class. I love smelling her hair. I love when she turns around to see what time it is and I get a chance to see her smile. I love hearing her answer questions. I think she just may be the one, but I'm kind of a shy guy. What am I supposed to do? Remember, I really like her and don't want to mess this up. -Lovestruck Larry
Lars,
Great. You like a girl. Here's what you need to do: nothing. You sound like you have stalker potential. Don't get me wrong, I don't think you're a stalker (okay, so I'm being nice), but the whole "I love putting my nostril near her scalp to smell a shampoo that I could just as easily buy-" it just has creepy written all over it. Do society a favor and ask out a girl that you find unattractive, repulsive even. I'm serious. You'll then have an easier time not obessing over her; you won't be on Facebook 24:7 seeing what new quiz she's taken; you'll for sure never stand outside her window waiting for a glimpse of her; and finally you'll never get that eyes glazed over look that is so unfortunate when people think they've found "love". When you propose to this hideous girl because that's the only way she'll stop stalking you, you can send me a wedding announcement. You're welcome.
I really like this girl. She sits in front of me in my class. I love smelling her hair. I love when she turns around to see what time it is and I get a chance to see her smile. I love hearing her answer questions. I think she just may be the one, but I'm kind of a shy guy. What am I supposed to do? Remember, I really like her and don't want to mess this up. -Lovestruck Larry
Lars,
Great. You like a girl. Here's what you need to do: nothing. You sound like you have stalker potential. Don't get me wrong, I don't think you're a stalker (okay, so I'm being nice), but the whole "I love putting my nostril near her scalp to smell a shampoo that I could just as easily buy-" it just has creepy written all over it. Do society a favor and ask out a girl that you find unattractive, repulsive even. I'm serious. You'll then have an easier time not obessing over her; you won't be on Facebook 24:7 seeing what new quiz she's taken; you'll for sure never stand outside her window waiting for a glimpse of her; and finally you'll never get that eyes glazed over look that is so unfortunate when people think they've found "love". When you propose to this hideous girl because that's the only way she'll stop stalking you, you can send me a wedding announcement. You're welcome.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Awkward...
And you thought your 6th grade photo was bad:
http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2009/08/page/10/
This website will give you a good laugh when you most need it. Or when you don't need it, but really, who doesn't need a good laugh at any given time?
On a side note- sorry to those of you who have tried to comment. It has been brought to my attention that my blog is being dumb. (No surprise there). It does make me feel good to know that I haven't been forgotten. I'm working on the problems. It's possible I'll just make a new blog, but of course I'll let you know if that happens.
http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2009/08/page/10/
On a side note- sorry to those of you who have tried to comment. It has been brought to my attention that my blog is being dumb. (No surprise there). It does make me feel good to know that I haven't been forgotten. I'm working on the problems. It's possible I'll just make a new blog, but of course I'll let you know if that happens.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
More Advice
Dear ElissaGator,
Sometimes, I hate this one person. I mean really hate. I know we shouldn't hate, but it seems like there should be an exception to the rule. Is there such an exception? Have you ever hated someone? -Hateful Hiedi
Hater,
Every so often a letter comes along that I have to agree with. There is an exception to the rule. That exception is that you can hate arm pits. Think about it, besides connecting your arm to your chest, what other redeeming qualities do they have? If you're a girl, you have to shave them. And just like how the cat came back the very next day, so does pit hair. If you're a boy, they're just micro storage bins for sweat and who knows what else.
They smell, they produce awful amounts of foul body fluid, and who looks good with their arms raised over their head showing the world the arm wasteland? Okay, maybe Michelle Obama, but we're obviously not going to reach her status. And when you're in a forsaken place with one gas station and one bathroom stall that has more profiles than eHarmony, what do you call it? The pits. I'm glad I was able to help. Now I have to go earn money for laser hair removal.
Sometimes, I hate this one person. I mean really hate. I know we shouldn't hate, but it seems like there should be an exception to the rule. Is there such an exception? Have you ever hated someone? -Hateful Hiedi
Hater,
Every so often a letter comes along that I have to agree with. There is an exception to the rule. That exception is that you can hate arm pits. Think about it, besides connecting your arm to your chest, what other redeeming qualities do they have? If you're a girl, you have to shave them. And just like how the cat came back the very next day, so does pit hair. If you're a boy, they're just micro storage bins for sweat and who knows what else.
They smell, they produce awful amounts of foul body fluid, and who looks good with their arms raised over their head showing the world the arm wasteland? Okay, maybe Michelle Obama, but we're obviously not going to reach her status. And when you're in a forsaken place with one gas station and one bathroom stall that has more profiles than eHarmony, what do you call it? The pits. I'm glad I was able to help. Now I have to go earn money for laser hair removal.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Advice for the advice-less
Dear ElissaGator,
I just got up to school in a small town in the state OHADI* (names have been changed). I'll be graduating in two semesters but am just having such a hard time wanting to get into the whole school thing again. What should I do? -Apathetic Ann
Apathetic,
You sound like a loser. You obviously don't want to get into the whole school thing again because you probably have some sort of skin disease that makes people think they are seeing MJ's ghost walking. My advice to you would be to find a nice armadillo breeding farm and work as a sanitation officer there for the rest of your life. It's possible you'll find happiness. If not, maybe another syndicated help columnist can help, but I seriously doubt it. Good luck, not that you'll get any.
I just got up to school in a small town in the state OHADI* (names have been changed). I'll be graduating in two semesters but am just having such a hard time wanting to get into the whole school thing again. What should I do? -Apathetic Ann
Apathetic,
You sound like a loser. You obviously don't want to get into the whole school thing again because you probably have some sort of skin disease that makes people think they are seeing MJ's ghost walking. My advice to you would be to find a nice armadillo breeding farm and work as a sanitation officer there for the rest of your life. It's possible you'll find happiness. If not, maybe another syndicated help columnist can help, but I seriously doubt it. Good luck, not that you'll get any.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
What's missing?
Here's a mind game. Look at the picture. Find out what's missing. Then pity me. Seriously, someone pity me for something. I just got to Rexburg and am for the most part happy, I just am in need of a couple of pity points. Please don't send pitas. Trying to cut down on the wheat intake.
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