This past Friday I was heading to Denali and two state troopers with
their lights and sirens on passed me. Then I saw 10 more troopers, 2
ambulances, and a dinosaur. Maybe not the dinosaur. One trooper that I
passed on the side of the road was getting out his assault riffle.
Something was definitely up. I then got to Denali and picked up my
guests, and was heading back to Fairbanks when we were stopped by a
trooper who had set up a road block and was talking to everyone going
north bound.
The trooper (with his massive Alaskan gun) came up to my window and
said "for the next 15 miles be on the look out for a white male hitch
hiker. Do not stop for him, do not talk to him, keep driving and radio
in or call 911 and tell us your mile marker, he has been involved in a
shooting." Intense, right? Of course my guests were freaking out and one
lady even started throwing up.
Okay, that didn't happen either.
But we did pass more
troopers, as well as some soldiers from one of the bases, and they were
all carrying heavy duty guns. I'm guessing they were Russian made.
I started envisioning a lone male hiker hiding out in the woods,
and with his sniper riffle he was going to target one of the many tour
buses (probably mine), and shoot me. Luckily, I would have only been
wounded in the shoulder, so I'd be able to safely pull the bus over,
turn on my hazards, chock my wheels, and then faint. He would take over
the bus and it would become a hostage situation, and he would make us
drive to the Canada border. At least there is a bathroom on board.
Having watched multiple action movies and spy shows, I'd pull out my
acquired Micheal Weston skills and disarm him, all while driving the bus
and keeping in between the lines. That's how good a driver I am. I
would then lock him up in the bathroom...no, better yet, I'd throw him
underneath in the luggage bay and I'd make sure to hit bumps going extra
fast. I would then hand him over to the troopers and get my own reality
tv show, which I would turn down because I'm humble like that.
But...that didn't happen. I later found out they found and shot the
guy. He was some weirdo that had shot a hunter (at this time details of
why he did that have not been released). My version would have been much
cooler.
Sorry you don't get involved in Alaska trooper man hunts.
News Story Here
Monday, September 24, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Goals and Foals
Dear Elissa Gator,
I have been told by many people that I am a great writer and that I should pursue writing. The problem is I sit down to write and get stuck.
I fear I won't be as good as what people make me out to be. I fear I won't come up with great ideas. I fear my ideas will have already been done. I fear that my idea and ensuing story will be so great that I'll become famous and have to hide from the paparazzi. Any suggestions for an aspiring writer?
Wanda the Writer
Adnaw,
That's your name, but backwards. Actually, if we were going to be literal -- that's your name, but backwords. My name backwords is Rotag Assile; the first which is reminiscent of a dishwasher line, the second which sounds like a device for shooting missiles out of your...butt.
Putting the two together we can assume it's a clean missile shooting device, unless someone forgot to rotate the dial to "Heavy: Pots, Pans and Weaponry" and instead chose the "Light Spritzing" option.
Don't ever choose the light spritzing option.
Not only will it mess up the missiles, you'll be left with an itch that is unsightly to take care of in public.
I do believe I've accomplished so much more than I set out to for your reply.
You're welcome.
Dear Elissa Gator,
I've convinced myself to stay in Fairbanks, Alaska, for the winter. Will you help to super convince me?
Future Popsicle
Snowflake,
The problem with convincing yourself of something is that you are just as capable of unconvincing yourself. One time I convinced myself I was a human, and just like that I convinced myself I was beaver. I started hoarding wood, and even splintered down my roommate's dining table set. Granted, it was 73% plastic, so it didn't make for the best wood products, but it still dammed up nicely.
The problem with 73% plastic composite is the rancid smell it emits during the summer months. Being a beaver, I didn't mind so much. I cared more about how I was going to find a mate. Which I think we as humans can relate to, or at least those sad enough to not have found a mate yet.
The hardest part about being a beaver was my dental insurance no longer covered the large bucking beaver teeth I was sporting. Sometimes, I'd get these huge chunks of wood stuck between my teeth, and all I could do was stare at myself in the water, wondering when would my reflection show who I was inside. You think paper cuts are the worse, try having a permenant wooden saw scratching at your gumline. I win.
I unconvinced myself that I was a beaver when a Russian tried to trap me for fur. I said "Aw, hell no!" to the trapper and poof! I was human again. Unfortunately, my two front teeth seem to be larger than before. But that will change when I convince myself I'm jellyfish and don't have to deal with silly nuisances like teeth.
You're welcome.
I have been told by many people that I am a great writer and that I should pursue writing. The problem is I sit down to write and get stuck.
I fear I won't be as good as what people make me out to be. I fear I won't come up with great ideas. I fear my ideas will have already been done. I fear that my idea and ensuing story will be so great that I'll become famous and have to hide from the paparazzi. Any suggestions for an aspiring writer?
Wanda the Writer
Adnaw,
That's your name, but backwards. Actually, if we were going to be literal -- that's your name, but backwords. My name backwords is Rotag Assile; the first which is reminiscent of a dishwasher line, the second which sounds like a device for shooting missiles out of your...butt.
Putting the two together we can assume it's a clean missile shooting device, unless someone forgot to rotate the dial to "Heavy: Pots, Pans and Weaponry" and instead chose the "Light Spritzing" option.
Don't ever choose the light spritzing option.
Not only will it mess up the missiles, you'll be left with an itch that is unsightly to take care of in public.
I do believe I've accomplished so much more than I set out to for your reply.
You're welcome.
Dear Elissa Gator,
I've convinced myself to stay in Fairbanks, Alaska, for the winter. Will you help to super convince me?
Future Popsicle
Snowflake,
The problem with convincing yourself of something is that you are just as capable of unconvincing yourself. One time I convinced myself I was a human, and just like that I convinced myself I was beaver. I started hoarding wood, and even splintered down my roommate's dining table set. Granted, it was 73% plastic, so it didn't make for the best wood products, but it still dammed up nicely.
The problem with 73% plastic composite is the rancid smell it emits during the summer months. Being a beaver, I didn't mind so much. I cared more about how I was going to find a mate. Which I think we as humans can relate to, or at least those sad enough to not have found a mate yet.
The hardest part about being a beaver was my dental insurance no longer covered the large bucking beaver teeth I was sporting. Sometimes, I'd get these huge chunks of wood stuck between my teeth, and all I could do was stare at myself in the water, wondering when would my reflection show who I was inside. You think paper cuts are the worse, try having a permenant wooden saw scratching at your gumline. I win.
I unconvinced myself that I was a beaver when a Russian tried to trap me for fur. I said "Aw, hell no!" to the trapper and poof! I was human again. Unfortunately, my two front teeth seem to be larger than before. But that will change when I convince myself I'm jellyfish and don't have to deal with silly nuisances like teeth.
You're welcome.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Hunting for the Elusive Job... Again
It's that time again! Where I get to play "who wants to be a millionaire slightly above average hourly wage earner?"
I found an ad to be a copy editor/page designer for the local newspaper in town. This is my email to them:
Once upon a time, Elissa Stewart, a woman from Rancho Cucamonga, Calif., decided to move to the greater white North (Fairbanks, Alaska, to be most accurate). There she towed around guests from the world over in 40 foot motor coaches, teaching them about the great state of Alaska and the historic city of Fairbanks. After many moons and hundreds of guests later, the leaves began to change and ice started forming on car windshields -- and she knew her driver guide days were about to come to an end.
Being one for adventure, she felt the call of the old sourdough miners, beckoning her to join the ranks of those who had survived a winter in Fairbanks. Despite her father's worries of staying in an increasingly darkening place, she journeyed through the internet looking for jobs that would keep her brain active and her heart beating.
When she came across the job listing on Journalismjobs.com for copy editor/page designer, it was as if she were Felix Pedro, finding her own creek rich in gold.
"I'll be able to use my bachelor's degree! The one I got from Brigham Young University - Idaho; where I majored in graphic design and minored in journalism" she said. Not to mention she obtained all the qualities any employer is looking for, so she did not bother to include cliche phrases that average job seekers list.
It just so happened that at one time in her life she did page design for a newspaper, River City Weekly, in Idaho Falls, Idaho. Unfortunately, that paper contracted the dreaded newsprint influenza, and like so many other papers in the last few years, went out of business.
Hopefully, this paper experience would be different. She sent an email with her resume, as well as some examples of her design experience. And so she waits, hoping that like Felix, her much needed boat will come up the Chena.
I'll let you know when they send the looney bin to get me.
I found an ad to be a copy editor/page designer for the local newspaper in town. This is my email to them:
Once upon a time, Elissa Stewart, a woman from Rancho Cucamonga, Calif., decided to move to the greater white North (Fairbanks, Alaska, to be most accurate). There she towed around guests from the world over in 40 foot motor coaches, teaching them about the great state of Alaska and the historic city of Fairbanks. After many moons and hundreds of guests later, the leaves began to change and ice started forming on car windshields -- and she knew her driver guide days were about to come to an end.
Being one for adventure, she felt the call of the old sourdough miners, beckoning her to join the ranks of those who had survived a winter in Fairbanks. Despite her father's worries of staying in an increasingly darkening place, she journeyed through the internet looking for jobs that would keep her brain active and her heart beating.
When she came across the job listing on Journalismjobs.com for copy editor/page designer, it was as if she were Felix Pedro, finding her own creek rich in gold.
"I'll be able to use my bachelor's degree! The one I got from Brigham Young University - Idaho; where I majored in graphic design and minored in journalism" she said. Not to mention she obtained all the qualities any employer is looking for, so she did not bother to include cliche phrases that average job seekers list.
It just so happened that at one time in her life she did page design for a newspaper, River City Weekly, in Idaho Falls, Idaho. Unfortunately, that paper contracted the dreaded newsprint influenza, and like so many other papers in the last few years, went out of business.
Hopefully, this paper experience would be different. She sent an email with her resume, as well as some examples of her design experience. And so she waits, hoping that like Felix, her much needed boat will come up the Chena.
I'll let you know when they send the looney bin to get me.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Where in the World Is Elissa SanDeGator
Work got really busy. And then it got really unbusy. So technically no great excuses for not blogging. But I made a goal at FHE to blog once a week.
So this is my life plan (and in life plan I mean my plan for this next year. Who really plans out their whole life?):
1. Stay in Alaska for the winter
Yeah, this one is a little bit on the crazier side. I was trying to figure out where I should go after the bus driving thing ends (it ends next week fyi). I had multiple people pushing for me to move to Utah, but I felt like I would be settling if I just moved to Utah. I didn't want to move back home, because I was pretty sure I'd get back in a rut and maybe never move out. Then I started thinking about living abroad; but that was just an escape from reality, although I still would like to live abroad. And then my branch president said "You should stay here," and I thought "well if that's not the stupidest idea I've ever heard..."
But I kept ruminating on the prospect and then one day I decided to ask the Lord where I was the most needed and Fairbanks, Alaska was the answer. Not only did I feel good about the decision, I felt delirious joy. I knew it had to be the right decision because people don't feel deliriously joyful about the prospect of living in Fairbanks for the winter.
I don't know what I'll be doing for work, but I'm looking into it. I already have a place to stay -- the first counselor in the branch presidency and his wife offered for me to stay with them. I also have to purchase a car.
2. Do some sort of work up until August 2013 and then
3. Be cool like Madison and become a graduate student for a Creative Writing degree.
A couple of hiccups that are still stuck in my throat -- taking the GRE and compiling a writing portfolio that will fool the admissions board into admitting me.
I did buy a "study for the GRE" book, and have read the stuff that pertains to writing and vocab. I have yet had the muscle to read the stuff that pertains to math. I should drink more protein shakes.
If any of you have great writing prompts/stuff I should write about, I will take them into consideration. No prize money will be given out at this time.
Speaking of the greater white North, businesses have already started putting out Christmas decorations. Because apparently it's much easier to do it now while the weather is still warm enough. Hanging wreaths at -30 has caused too many worker comp suits. That's what they tell me, anyway.
The other hard part about all of this is that grad school seems so far away. It's almost a whole year before it starts! I fear that something will happen, like I'll marry an eskimo man and have to make ice cold love to him in his igloo, and I won't get to go to grad school. I know, I know, the Lord knows what is best and everything will work out.
This has been another "well that post was boring and all over the place" post from Elissa. Stay tuned to see if she stays on top of her goal.
So this is my life plan (and in life plan I mean my plan for this next year. Who really plans out their whole life?):
1. Stay in Alaska for the winter
Yeah, this one is a little bit on the crazier side. I was trying to figure out where I should go after the bus driving thing ends (it ends next week fyi). I had multiple people pushing for me to move to Utah, but I felt like I would be settling if I just moved to Utah. I didn't want to move back home, because I was pretty sure I'd get back in a rut and maybe never move out. Then I started thinking about living abroad; but that was just an escape from reality, although I still would like to live abroad. And then my branch president said "You should stay here," and I thought "well if that's not the stupidest idea I've ever heard..."
But I kept ruminating on the prospect and then one day I decided to ask the Lord where I was the most needed and Fairbanks, Alaska was the answer. Not only did I feel good about the decision, I felt delirious joy. I knew it had to be the right decision because people don't feel deliriously joyful about the prospect of living in Fairbanks for the winter.
I don't know what I'll be doing for work, but I'm looking into it. I already have a place to stay -- the first counselor in the branch presidency and his wife offered for me to stay with them. I also have to purchase a car.
2. Do some sort of work up until August 2013 and then
3. Be cool like Madison and become a graduate student for a Creative Writing degree.
A couple of hiccups that are still stuck in my throat -- taking the GRE and compiling a writing portfolio that will fool the admissions board into admitting me.
I did buy a "study for the GRE" book, and have read the stuff that pertains to writing and vocab. I have yet had the muscle to read the stuff that pertains to math. I should drink more protein shakes.
If any of you have great writing prompts/stuff I should write about, I will take them into consideration. No prize money will be given out at this time.
Speaking of the greater white North, businesses have already started putting out Christmas decorations. Because apparently it's much easier to do it now while the weather is still warm enough. Hanging wreaths at -30 has caused too many worker comp suits. That's what they tell me, anyway.
The other hard part about all of this is that grad school seems so far away. It's almost a whole year before it starts! I fear that something will happen, like I'll marry an eskimo man and have to make ice cold love to him in his igloo, and I won't get to go to grad school. I know, I know, the Lord knows what is best and everything will work out.
This has been another "well that post was boring and all over the place" post from Elissa. Stay tuned to see if she stays on top of her goal.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Getting Smashed Without the Boos
Hi. Remember how I'm in Alaska and am having a grand 'ole adventure and can't be bothered with silly things like blogging all my grand adventures? Just checking.Well I have an adventure for you that I though should be posted.
I got in a car crash.
In Alaska.
In the middle of nowhere Alaska.
Actually, it was Mile Post 165 on the Parks Highway, Alaska. So it was somewhere, but even the Alaska State Trooper said we were in the middle of nowhere. Troopers know their stuff.
Mitch, Landon (a friend) and I had gone to Anchorage for the weekend (that will be another post entirely because we also had awesome adventures there). On Saturday, we picked up my friend Valerie from the airport. She was flying in from Bethel, Alaska (if you're ever bored, here's a fun thing about Bethel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXQYrKiYQZw&feature=share but Valerie tells me a lot of it was dramatized, go figure).
The next morning we went to church that turned out to be a Samoan ward (church is still true, even in Samoan), and then started to make our way back up to Fairbanks. It was about a 6 hour drive, and I started us off. Here's us about 30 minutes before the crash:
I was getting really sleepy, so I pulled off and Mitch started driving. It started to rain fairly hard, as it is known to do at any time while driving on Alaska roads. Mitch had his cruise control on, and we were coming around a curve, and he knew he needed to slow down so he tapped on his brake to release the cruise control, but we started to hydroplane instead. He over corrected the wheel, which made us do a 180 into the opposite lane. We paralleled the side of the road for awhile until we hit a big construction sign that lights up, which spun us around again but stopped us.
Yes, we were in an accident but we were very blessed in many ways.
1) We didn't hit anyone. There was a car going opposite of us that saw the whole thing happened and later the guy helped out a lot, but we didn't hit him. Also, off to the left is a pull out and there was an RV parked there. They said they saw the sign coming at them, but it was so heavy it stopped soon enough.
2) We crashed in a great place. We were very close to going off into a ravine, while not steep would have caused a lot more injuries. The accident happened in the same spot as a pull off, so we didn't have to stand around in the forest and when all the emergency vehicles came it made it very convenient.
3) There were people there to help us out. The RV people and guy who was coming from the opposite direction directed traffic, and Paul (that was his name) let us sit in his car while we were waiting.
4) We got cell phone reception. For a majority of the road you can't get any cell reception, but thankfully Landon's phone got just enough for Mitch to call 911.
5) It stopped raining.
6) No one was seriously injured.
7) Besides Valerie's deodorant and my new bottle of hair mousse, there was no damage to any of our things.
And of course the above list isn't in order of most important. We all know #5 should be #1. Yes, #5.
As soon as the car came to a stop the aforementioned witnesses rushed over to us. Mitch and I were fine and easily opened our doors and walked out; the brunt of the damage happened on the passenger side (Landon was front passenger side, Valerie was back passenger side). Besides a cut on my head (which I think was from flying glass), there was no blood. Valerie was disoriented and kept saying "what just happened? I'm so confused." Landon was groaning but perfectly conscious.
We were finally able to get Valerie to come out of the car and put her in Paul's car. She was in slight shock and asked multiple times "where are my parents?" They're in Bethel. "Where are we?" Two hours outside of Denali. "What just happened?" We were in a car accident. "Am I bleeding?" No. "Are you okay?" Yes. And then the questions would start over again.
You can't see it in the picture, but the wheel was shoved into the inside of the car. No wonder Valerie was the worse out of all of us.
I was concerned, but her pupils weren't dilated and I couldn't see any visible head trauma, so I wasn't too worried. She was complaining about her ribs and hip, and I felt them to make sure nothing was broken and as far as I could tell with all my years of medical training (read here, no years) nothing was broken. I just reassured her and caressed her hand, and talked to her calmly. I'm not going to lie, I was pretty level headed during the whole thing.
Mitch called the Troopers and Landon wandered from here to there. It took the Trooper probably 30-45 minutes to finally get there, and the ambulance another 30 or so minutes after that. One of the rescue trucks was able to pull our car off the main road. Between that time there were multiple people who pulled over to offer assistance. Alaskans are seriously some of the best people.
The paramedics looked at Valerie first and decided they should probably take her to the hospital. They asked if the rest of us were okay, and we made them look at Landon because his head hurt. Landon had gotten a mild concussion the month before (it was work related) so he really didn't want to have to go through all that again, but because of that they decided they should take him too. And so of course they had to strap him down, even though he had been up and walking about just fine. He was pissed.
I think he looks adorable with a neck brace.
The fun part for Valerie and Landon was getting to ride 2.5 hours to the nearest hospital bound to a flat board. Yep, two and a half hours. In Wasilla (that's where Sarah Palin's from). Valerie got pain meds and joined the world of the drugged up, but Landon didn't get any pain meds and said the ambulance ride was worse than the accident. I think he was just being a baby (love you Landon!).
Landon is one of the happiest people I know and was a positive ball of energy through out the whole thing. While riding down to Wasilla the paramedics told him they were going to have to cut his pants off to check his hips and thighs and he said "Nope, you're not cutting them. They're brand new pants. Take them off." Which they did. He told us later "I was wearing skinny jeans, I don't know why they couldn't have checked my hips with my pants on!"
Soon after the accident I called Kiana. Her and her family have become great friends and I consider them part of my Alaskan family. I asked if she would come meet us in Denali, and without hesitation she came down right away.
So while Landon and Valerie got to ride in the fun mobile, the Trooper offered to take Mitch and I up to Denali, about a 1.5 hour ride north. I learned a lot about Alaska State Troopers and Mitch learned he never wanted to be arrested because it was so uncomfortable riding in the back of a cop car.
Kiana and us got to Denali about the same time. Valerie's parents were flying to Anchorage from Bethel, but I felt like she needed me until they got there. And we couldn't abandon Landon. So Kiana was nice enough to drive us down to Wasilla, which from Denali was probably 3.5 hours. Yes, we were on that road a lot that day. And Kiana is the best.
We had to leave most of our stuff in the car at the scene, because we couldn't load it all up in the Trooper's car, so thankfully Kiana brought down her dad's big truck and we transported everything into her truck. The Trooper told Mitch we had two days to get it towed, or he would be fined for some sort of littering. Good news, we were able to get a tow truck that will do it for $350 because we're giving him the car for scrap parts. It could have cost upwards of $2,000 to tow it because of once again, we were in the middle of nowhere Alaska.
On a happier note, as Kiana, Mitch and I were driving back down that forsaken road, Mt. Denali was out. You may remember me telling you it's so tall it creates its own weather, so it's usually covered in clouds. I've only seen it about three times. Of course we stopped to take pictures.
Yeah, that faint blue hill is actually 20,320 feet tall. Once again, pictures don't do it justice. You feel so small, even though you're standing so far away from it.
Mitch and Kiana dancing the traditional celebratory dance when Denali is visible.
Kiana showing how the fireweed is so tall she could pee in it. And she wears the sunglasses to protect her identity. I don't argue with her about it.
So we finally get down to Wasilla. By this point Landon has been discharged and was hanging out with Valerie. He only suffered cervical strain (pain in the neck). When I went in to see Valerie she was back to Valerie intelligence and was with it. She had no head trauma and the only injury she sustained was a small fracture on the wing part on one of her vertebra. Yeah, don't ask me to name the actual bone, just know it was small. She also got discharged that night and went with her parents.
Once again, people are awesome, and we were able to stay at Kiana's aunt's house that night (she lived in the area). I would have cried had we had to get yet another hotel.
Then today we made our way back to Fairbanks.
Whew. It's really late, but I decided to get this written down before I forget it but mainly before I get too lazy to write it down. No promises on posting the rest of the adventure, but I promise I'll put pictures on facebook!
I got in a car crash.
In Alaska.
In the middle of nowhere Alaska.
Actually, it was Mile Post 165 on the Parks Highway, Alaska. So it was somewhere, but even the Alaska State Trooper said we were in the middle of nowhere. Troopers know their stuff.
Mitch, Landon (a friend) and I had gone to Anchorage for the weekend (that will be another post entirely because we also had awesome adventures there). On Saturday, we picked up my friend Valerie from the airport. She was flying in from Bethel, Alaska (if you're ever bored, here's a fun thing about Bethel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXQYrKiYQZw&feature=share but Valerie tells me a lot of it was dramatized, go figure).
The next morning we went to church that turned out to be a Samoan ward (church is still true, even in Samoan), and then started to make our way back up to Fairbanks. It was about a 6 hour drive, and I started us off. Here's us about 30 minutes before the crash:
I was getting really sleepy, so I pulled off and Mitch started driving. It started to rain fairly hard, as it is known to do at any time while driving on Alaska roads. Mitch had his cruise control on, and we were coming around a curve, and he knew he needed to slow down so he tapped on his brake to release the cruise control, but we started to hydroplane instead. He over corrected the wheel, which made us do a 180 into the opposite lane. We paralleled the side of the road for awhile until we hit a big construction sign that lights up, which spun us around again but stopped us.
Yes, we were in an accident but we were very blessed in many ways.
1) We didn't hit anyone. There was a car going opposite of us that saw the whole thing happened and later the guy helped out a lot, but we didn't hit him. Also, off to the left is a pull out and there was an RV parked there. They said they saw the sign coming at them, but it was so heavy it stopped soon enough.
2) We crashed in a great place. We were very close to going off into a ravine, while not steep would have caused a lot more injuries. The accident happened in the same spot as a pull off, so we didn't have to stand around in the forest and when all the emergency vehicles came it made it very convenient.
3) There were people there to help us out. The RV people and guy who was coming from the opposite direction directed traffic, and Paul (that was his name) let us sit in his car while we were waiting.
4) We got cell phone reception. For a majority of the road you can't get any cell reception, but thankfully Landon's phone got just enough for Mitch to call 911.
5) It stopped raining.
6) No one was seriously injured.
7) Besides Valerie's deodorant and my new bottle of hair mousse, there was no damage to any of our things.
And of course the above list isn't in order of most important. We all know #5 should be #1. Yes, #5.
As soon as the car came to a stop the aforementioned witnesses rushed over to us. Mitch and I were fine and easily opened our doors and walked out; the brunt of the damage happened on the passenger side (Landon was front passenger side, Valerie was back passenger side). Besides a cut on my head (which I think was from flying glass), there was no blood. Valerie was disoriented and kept saying "what just happened? I'm so confused." Landon was groaning but perfectly conscious.
We were finally able to get Valerie to come out of the car and put her in Paul's car. She was in slight shock and asked multiple times "where are my parents?" They're in Bethel. "Where are we?" Two hours outside of Denali. "What just happened?" We were in a car accident. "Am I bleeding?" No. "Are you okay?" Yes. And then the questions would start over again.
You can't see it in the picture, but the wheel was shoved into the inside of the car. No wonder Valerie was the worse out of all of us.
I was concerned, but her pupils weren't dilated and I couldn't see any visible head trauma, so I wasn't too worried. She was complaining about her ribs and hip, and I felt them to make sure nothing was broken and as far as I could tell with all my years of medical training (read here, no years) nothing was broken. I just reassured her and caressed her hand, and talked to her calmly. I'm not going to lie, I was pretty level headed during the whole thing.
Mitch called the Troopers and Landon wandered from here to there. It took the Trooper probably 30-45 minutes to finally get there, and the ambulance another 30 or so minutes after that. One of the rescue trucks was able to pull our car off the main road. Between that time there were multiple people who pulled over to offer assistance. Alaskans are seriously some of the best people.
The paramedics looked at Valerie first and decided they should probably take her to the hospital. They asked if the rest of us were okay, and we made them look at Landon because his head hurt. Landon had gotten a mild concussion the month before (it was work related) so he really didn't want to have to go through all that again, but because of that they decided they should take him too. And so of course they had to strap him down, even though he had been up and walking about just fine. He was pissed.
I think he looks adorable with a neck brace.
The fun part for Valerie and Landon was getting to ride 2.5 hours to the nearest hospital bound to a flat board. Yep, two and a half hours. In Wasilla (that's where Sarah Palin's from). Valerie got pain meds and joined the world of the drugged up, but Landon didn't get any pain meds and said the ambulance ride was worse than the accident. I think he was just being a baby (love you Landon!).
Landon is one of the happiest people I know and was a positive ball of energy through out the whole thing. While riding down to Wasilla the paramedics told him they were going to have to cut his pants off to check his hips and thighs and he said "Nope, you're not cutting them. They're brand new pants. Take them off." Which they did. He told us later "I was wearing skinny jeans, I don't know why they couldn't have checked my hips with my pants on!"
Soon after the accident I called Kiana. Her and her family have become great friends and I consider them part of my Alaskan family. I asked if she would come meet us in Denali, and without hesitation she came down right away.
So while Landon and Valerie got to ride in the fun mobile, the Trooper offered to take Mitch and I up to Denali, about a 1.5 hour ride north. I learned a lot about Alaska State Troopers and Mitch learned he never wanted to be arrested because it was so uncomfortable riding in the back of a cop car.
Kiana and us got to Denali about the same time. Valerie's parents were flying to Anchorage from Bethel, but I felt like she needed me until they got there. And we couldn't abandon Landon. So Kiana was nice enough to drive us down to Wasilla, which from Denali was probably 3.5 hours. Yes, we were on that road a lot that day. And Kiana is the best.
We had to leave most of our stuff in the car at the scene, because we couldn't load it all up in the Trooper's car, so thankfully Kiana brought down her dad's big truck and we transported everything into her truck. The Trooper told Mitch we had two days to get it towed, or he would be fined for some sort of littering. Good news, we were able to get a tow truck that will do it for $350 because we're giving him the car for scrap parts. It could have cost upwards of $2,000 to tow it because of once again, we were in the middle of nowhere Alaska.
On a happier note, as Kiana, Mitch and I were driving back down that forsaken road, Mt. Denali was out. You may remember me telling you it's so tall it creates its own weather, so it's usually covered in clouds. I've only seen it about three times. Of course we stopped to take pictures.
Yeah, that faint blue hill is actually 20,320 feet tall. Once again, pictures don't do it justice. You feel so small, even though you're standing so far away from it.
Mitch and Kiana dancing the traditional celebratory dance when Denali is visible.
Kiana showing how the fireweed is so tall she could pee in it. And she wears the sunglasses to protect her identity. I don't argue with her about it.
So we finally get down to Wasilla. By this point Landon has been discharged and was hanging out with Valerie. He only suffered cervical strain (pain in the neck). When I went in to see Valerie she was back to Valerie intelligence and was with it. She had no head trauma and the only injury she sustained was a small fracture on the wing part on one of her vertebra. Yeah, don't ask me to name the actual bone, just know it was small. She also got discharged that night and went with her parents.
Once again, people are awesome, and we were able to stay at Kiana's aunt's house that night (she lived in the area). I would have cried had we had to get yet another hotel.
Then today we made our way back to Fairbanks.
Whew. It's really late, but I decided to get this written down before I forget it but mainly before I get too lazy to write it down. No promises on posting the rest of the adventure, but I promise I'll put pictures on facebook!
Sunday, July 29, 2012
The Perfect Girl
*WARNING: READER DISCRETION ADVISED. THIS MAY HIT A LITTLE CLOSE TO HOME FOR SOME OF YOU. THE ADVICE GIVER Elissa Gator CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY STATEMENTS THAT MAY CAUSE YOUR HEART TO TWIST IN AGONY. SHE ONLY TELLS THE TRUTH.
Dear Elissa Gator,
I am a man, and as a man I can do anything. But I admit I have a slight problem. I keep going for this certain type of girl and something deep down inside me tells me it's wrong but I don't know why.
Here's my type -- they are shallow and self-serving and usually have the IQ of a canary (I love birds). I can't decide what I like more: that they're so skinny they probably don't menstruate (which hello, means they don't PMS so I'm dodging lots of bullets there); or the fact that they remind me of freshman high school girls straight out of Hannah Montana episodes (you really do get the best of both worlds).
They love to giggle at anything I say, scratch my back during church, and cuddle with me on my friends' beds (I love to show off how manly I am by showing gross amounts of PDA in public). I don't really know about their goals in life; we usually keep our conversations short and physical.
I'm not even sure she's capable of having an intelligent conversation, but who really wants a girl that knows how to string more than five words together? A smart girl might call me out on my crap and that would hurt my manhood.
Personality wise...well...she loves to kiss me personally...hahahaha.
Um, have I talked about her fine looking body? I love to take pictures of us and plaster them over facebook so my friends can be jealous of my smoking hot girl.
She's never cooked for me, but that's not a problem because I want to impress her so I always take her out to fancy restaurants. I don't think she knows how to change a diaper or rock a baby to sleep, but neither do I so I'm not going to judge. She'll tell me stories about how she used to play multiple guys at once, but she assures me she'd never do it to me. Obviously I believe her. She is really pretty.
Her jokes are kind of lame, and sometimes she gets really annoying, but she makes up for it by wearing super tight and low cut clothes. The irony is there isn't much to look at when her shirt does gap open, but I have a great imagination.
Some of my really close friends and family tell me she is not a good match for me, but they don't know her like I do. I think they're just jealous.
I'm going to admit, she can sometimes be uber dumb and makes my head hurt. She can also be really mean, but I know she's just doing it in a flirting way because she wants me so bad.
So, why do I have these glimpses of me waking up 10 years from now with this gorgeous girl next to me (well not really gorgeous anymore because of stretch marks and cellulite, ew) and me not being in love? I don't understand. Help me.
-Confused Carl
Dear Carl,
Actually, she sounds perfect for you.
You're welcome.
-Elissa Gator
Dear Elissa Gator,
I am a man, and as a man I can do anything. But I admit I have a slight problem. I keep going for this certain type of girl and something deep down inside me tells me it's wrong but I don't know why.
Here's my type -- they are shallow and self-serving and usually have the IQ of a canary (I love birds). I can't decide what I like more: that they're so skinny they probably don't menstruate (which hello, means they don't PMS so I'm dodging lots of bullets there); or the fact that they remind me of freshman high school girls straight out of Hannah Montana episodes (you really do get the best of both worlds).
They love to giggle at anything I say, scratch my back during church, and cuddle with me on my friends' beds (I love to show off how manly I am by showing gross amounts of PDA in public). I don't really know about their goals in life; we usually keep our conversations short and physical.
I'm not even sure she's capable of having an intelligent conversation, but who really wants a girl that knows how to string more than five words together? A smart girl might call me out on my crap and that would hurt my manhood.
Personality wise...well...she loves to kiss me personally...hahahaha.
Um, have I talked about her fine looking body? I love to take pictures of us and plaster them over facebook so my friends can be jealous of my smoking hot girl.
She's never cooked for me, but that's not a problem because I want to impress her so I always take her out to fancy restaurants. I don't think she knows how to change a diaper or rock a baby to sleep, but neither do I so I'm not going to judge. She'll tell me stories about how she used to play multiple guys at once, but she assures me she'd never do it to me. Obviously I believe her. She is really pretty.
Her jokes are kind of lame, and sometimes she gets really annoying, but she makes up for it by wearing super tight and low cut clothes. The irony is there isn't much to look at when her shirt does gap open, but I have a great imagination.
Some of my really close friends and family tell me she is not a good match for me, but they don't know her like I do. I think they're just jealous.
I'm going to admit, she can sometimes be uber dumb and makes my head hurt. She can also be really mean, but I know she's just doing it in a flirting way because she wants me so bad.
So, why do I have these glimpses of me waking up 10 years from now with this gorgeous girl next to me (well not really gorgeous anymore because of stretch marks and cellulite, ew) and me not being in love? I don't understand. Help me.
-Confused Carl
Dear Carl,
Actually, she sounds perfect for you.
You're welcome.
-Elissa Gator
Monday, May 14, 2012
Oh Gee, It's Denali!
I've been getting requests to write more often. Unfortunately, I haven't been getting any monetary reimbursement for my efforts, so I don't write as much. What I'm trying to say is - money talks.
Since the Ice Museum, I've done some ish.
Like get my CDL license.
I can now legally drive a 45 ft. bus. With people on it. By myself. Maybe one day I'll detail what goes into driving a motor coach, but it sometimes hurts my head so not today.
When we're not driving buses and sitting through good employee training, we usually hang out at our place and stay up way too late. I tell you what, this sun staying in the sky all night really messes with you. Like right now, it's 10 p.m., and it looks like it's 5 p.m. How are you supposed to want to go to bed with the sun being all sorts of rebellious?
Remember our awesome car? Mitch named it Poc. For Piece of Crap. I told him to treat it kinder. But we had to get our CV axle replaced. Thankfully, we have a really good friend named Daniel who is quite handy with cars and he changed it for us. We had a car party (different from a dog party at the top of the tree) at a member's house.
Mitch was pretending to be a man and help out. The most he got out of the experience was a grease unibrow.
One day for work we got to go to multiple down town restaurants and sample their food so we can tell our guests the best places to go. We got paid for doing that.
Then yesterday was the best day ever. You could even say it was the day of great giving. We got to go to Denali National Park. And before you start freaking out at the awesomeness, we did not climb Denali.
I'm going to put on my tour hat now, so hold onto your socks. The famous mountain is legally named Mt. McKinley after a U.S. president who never even visited Alaska (rude, right?), but all the cool people call it Denali (meaning "the great one" in Athabascan).
It is 20,320 feet tall and is the tallest mountain in the world, but not the highest (because its summit elevation doesn't reach as high as Mt. Everest, but measured from base to peak it's the tallest. Comprende?). In fact, it's so tall it creates its own weather and is usually surrounding by clouds. And it's uber hard to climb, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say I probably won't be climbing it this summer. You have to be flown in to the base camp. This ain't no day hike.
Taking tour hat off now and back to our trip. We took a coach down while we got a tour (because this will be one of the tours we will be doing). It takes about 2.5 hours in a coach. We saw moosen and Dall sheep. I didn't get any pictures of the moosen because you speed by before you can get a good picture, but I promise one of these days I'll get a good moosen picture.
These are Dall Sheep. They were high on the cliff and far away and we were moving, so you should be pretty impressed by the shot I did get.
These are what Dall Sheep look like up close: (courtesy the world wide web)
I know. I want to pet one as well.
We then went to the hotels where we will be picking up/dropping off guests. They're pretty shnazzy. This hotel is super high up and to get to it you have to drive 958 dirt road switch backs (only exaggerating a little bit). It has an awesome view, but thankfully we don't usually have to go there.
The funny thing is none of the hotels in the area have an actual view of Denali because the surrounding mountains are so tall. And I don't know the reason why they weren't built closer. I'll get back to you on that one.
For lunch we got to go to a dinner theater where we were served salmon, prime rib tips, red skinned mashed potatoes, succotash (corn, edamame, and red bell pepper), biscuits, salad and apple crisp for dessert.
Mitch and Hillary getting their grub on.
We were then entertained by a cute little musical about the climbing of Denali. Our table was the loudest and proudest, and this is us drinking it up to the 2012 motto of the season: "Get Some!" Its meaning is up to your own interpretation.
In the late afternoon we went to the train station to wait for our train ride back to Fairbanks.
This is a lot of the driver guides, minus me because I was taking the picture. See if you can spot Mitch.
Princess and Holland America have train cars that travel from Anchorage to Fairbanks hooked onto the Alaska train, hence why we got to experience train travel. I highly recommend it.
I should have gotten a better picture of what the inside of the train car looks like, but imagine a narrow moving restaurant with booths and awesome views and that's about it.
This is me going down the stairs to the outside platform. That's right, you can stand on the platform outside for the entire train ride. Bet you can't do that in a car.
You probably can't see me, but that's Max and me on the other side of the Princess car. Don't worry, no grizzly bears jumped on us.
It was such great scenery, so I invite you to bask and be bored in scenery pictures, which really don't do it justice.
That's the road I'll be driving on. This is also the road that connects Anchorage to Fairbanks. There are only about three highways in Alaska, and this is one of them. In other words, it's pretty hard to get off on the wrong freeway and suddenly end up in Compton (true story from my life).
These are my favorite pictures. I don't think I need to explain why.
This next week we start getting guests. I know, I'm freaking out a little. When I post a picture of me vomiting all over my first bus of guests you'll know things didn't go so well, but I'm hoping that Kodak moment won't happen.
Also, I've really been dying to show this great and totally embarrassing video of myself dancing with an old drunk cowboy at a bar, but we've been having technical difficulties getting it onto my computer. I promise it will come soon.
Since the Ice Museum, I've done some ish.
Like get my CDL license.
When we're not driving buses and sitting through good employee training, we usually hang out at our place and stay up way too late. I tell you what, this sun staying in the sky all night really messes with you. Like right now, it's 10 p.m., and it looks like it's 5 p.m. How are you supposed to want to go to bed with the sun being all sorts of rebellious?
Remember our awesome car? Mitch named it Poc. For Piece of Crap. I told him to treat it kinder. But we had to get our CV axle replaced. Thankfully, we have a really good friend named Daniel who is quite handy with cars and he changed it for us. We had a car party (different from a dog party at the top of the tree) at a member's house.
Mitch was pretending to be a man and help out. The most he got out of the experience was a grease unibrow.
One day for work we got to go to multiple down town restaurants and sample their food so we can tell our guests the best places to go. We got paid for doing that.
Then yesterday was the best day ever. You could even say it was the day of great giving. We got to go to Denali National Park. And before you start freaking out at the awesomeness, we did not climb Denali.
I'm going to put on my tour hat now, so hold onto your socks. The famous mountain is legally named Mt. McKinley after a U.S. president who never even visited Alaska (rude, right?), but all the cool people call it Denali (meaning "the great one" in Athabascan).
It is 20,320 feet tall and is the tallest mountain in the world, but not the highest (because its summit elevation doesn't reach as high as Mt. Everest, but measured from base to peak it's the tallest. Comprende?). In fact, it's so tall it creates its own weather and is usually surrounding by clouds. And it's uber hard to climb, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say I probably won't be climbing it this summer. You have to be flown in to the base camp. This ain't no day hike.
Taking tour hat off now and back to our trip. We took a coach down while we got a tour (because this will be one of the tours we will be doing). It takes about 2.5 hours in a coach. We saw moosen and Dall sheep. I didn't get any pictures of the moosen because you speed by before you can get a good picture, but I promise one of these days I'll get a good moosen picture.
These are Dall Sheep. They were high on the cliff and far away and we were moving, so you should be pretty impressed by the shot I did get.
These are what Dall Sheep look like up close: (courtesy the world wide web)
I know. I want to pet one as well.
We then went to the hotels where we will be picking up/dropping off guests. They're pretty shnazzy. This hotel is super high up and to get to it you have to drive 958 dirt road switch backs (only exaggerating a little bit). It has an awesome view, but thankfully we don't usually have to go there.
The funny thing is none of the hotels in the area have an actual view of Denali because the surrounding mountains are so tall. And I don't know the reason why they weren't built closer. I'll get back to you on that one.
For lunch we got to go to a dinner theater where we were served salmon, prime rib tips, red skinned mashed potatoes, succotash (corn, edamame, and red bell pepper), biscuits, salad and apple crisp for dessert.
Mitch and Hillary getting their grub on.
We were then entertained by a cute little musical about the climbing of Denali. Our table was the loudest and proudest, and this is us drinking it up to the 2012 motto of the season: "Get Some!" Its meaning is up to your own interpretation.
In the late afternoon we went to the train station to wait for our train ride back to Fairbanks.
This is a lot of the driver guides, minus me because I was taking the picture. See if you can spot Mitch.
Princess and Holland America have train cars that travel from Anchorage to Fairbanks hooked onto the Alaska train, hence why we got to experience train travel. I highly recommend it.
I can't help myself posting a million pictures of the train. It's so pretty.
This is me going down the stairs to the outside platform. That's right, you can stand on the platform outside for the entire train ride. Bet you can't do that in a car.
It was such great scenery, so I invite you to bask and be bored in scenery pictures, which really don't do it justice.
The train from Denali to Fairbanks takes 4 hours, but you don't mind at all (well I can't speak for you but I'm speaking for me). We got dinner on the train, which was Butternut Squash Soup (delicious with a capital D), grilled chicken, baguette, salad and key lime cake or carrot cake. People, I got paid for this whole day. How often does part of your job description include getting paid to eat, enjoying a leisure ride on a scenic train and being in a famous national park? I didn't think so.
These are my favorite pictures. I don't think I need to explain why.
This next week we start getting guests. I know, I'm freaking out a little. When I post a picture of me vomiting all over my first bus of guests you'll know things didn't go so well, but I'm hoping that Kodak moment won't happen.
Also, I've really been dying to show this great and totally embarrassing video of myself dancing with an old drunk cowboy at a bar, but we've been having technical difficulties getting it onto my computer. I promise it will come soon.
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