All the Leaves are Brown

First off, to those of you concerned with a dog pooping in the below alligator costume, there is an answer. Obviously the maker of this costume wasn't an ignorant bafoon, therefore I assume there is a "doggy door" in the costume. Don't alligators also answer nature's call? So not only is the costume alligator accurate it is also best friend friendly. Such sick people you are for thinking otherwise.

Second, I keep getting these letters asking for advice and crap. Good thing I'm so good at it.

Elissa Gator,
I just love the fall! The leaves chaning colors, the blustery wind, the smell of pumpkin. How do you enjoy fall? Any suggestions to further one's autumn experience?
Lesly Leave-it-to-Tree

Weird Name,
Glad someone loves tripping and scraping their knee. Don't know of many other people who enjoy falling. In regards to your other outlandish atempts to be poetic -- don't quit your day job (unless you're getting paid to be a poet, then by all  means, file for disability).

I don't know what it is with people and their obsession with leaves changing colors. Don't they understand that this is nature's way of killing off the tree's labor throughout the year? Leaves change colors because they are no longer getting food from the tree's branches, therefore starving them. Their calls for help include vibrant reds, oranges and golden yellows. They then start to dry out, withering away, until they can no longer hold onto the branch. At this point a brutal tornado (your "blustery wind") usually comes and finally rips their lifeless umbilical cord from the tree and drops them mercilessly on dirty parked cars. How does the tree feel? Seems to me the tree is okay with genocide, as it produces leaves each spring to be murdered in the fall.

So how do I enjoy autumn? I don't. Because I'm constantly raking dead lifes and gathering them into a mass grave. Some people enjoy jumping in this mass grave. Perverts, that's what they are. Does it pain me that not every leaf will have the proper burial it deserves? Yes. It pains me so much I eat more Halloween candy than is humanly possible. If you're serious about furthering my fall experience, you would send me more Halloween candy. I know not everyone can appreciate the grief a fallen leaf causes, but I will respect any little attempt you take to understanding. You're welcome.