Wipe away the anger

Dear ElissaGator,
I can't take it anymore. My roommate keeps stealing my stuff. When my shampoo bottle mysteriously went missing, she finally fessed up that she had been using it for the past weeks because she forgot hers at home. She said she was so embarrassed; only because she got caught! She also has her own bathroom, but uses mine for the toilet paper. This is just the tip of the iceberg. I really don't want to blow up at her, but something has to be done. -Annoyed Anna

Annie,
I hear you. I once had a roommate who did the exact same thing, how weird is that? Maybe my old roommate and your roommate are relatives. Being me, I was able to quickly solve the problem.

Depending on her hair color, you could always put bleach or blue dye into your shampoo bottle and you'll have proof if she uses it again. Seeing how she's already gotten caught, a better way to get even might be to put the dye or bleach in her shower head. I've seen it done in a couple of movies and it seems to work pretty well.

Now the toilet paper problem. There's so many things you could do, but instead of putting habanero chili powder on the toilet paper, a more humane thing is to put itching powder on the toilet paper roll. Make sure to keep a safe roll hidden for you to use so you don't become the butt of your own joke (get it?). She may or may not connect that by using your toilet paper she's putting her downunders at risk. Watch as she suffers; who knows, she may even do the butt-scoot-boogie like a dog with worms.

If you follow these simple, yet effective tips, she'll either never use your stuff ever again, or sign up as a North Korean spy. She probably wouldn't last very long as a North Korean spy, so odds are she'll never use your stuff again. You're welcome.