#4.5

Dear Elissa Gator,
It has taken me three months to finally commit to be in a relationship with a boy who is completely love stricken with me. Now that I said yes to just be his girlfriend, he thinks I should consider him “my #1 man.” Ew. I do not consider him this way. How do I let him know this without bursting his cute puppy dog dreams?
Disgusted Daphne

Daft,
My personal experiences with men teach me that they think they are #1 in all aspects of their lives. #1 Fan. #1 Grill Master. #1 Team Player. #1 at doing #2. So when it comes to a lover, they don’t understand that in fact they are no longer #1. They’re more like #4.5, because we women have to settle; real #1 men are usually homosexual, which makes them #2, so technically there is no such thing as #1 men. You have to slowly let them understand this concept.

For example, look at him googly eyed and say things such as: “Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Probably because you reek of worms.” The love emanating from your eyes will help balance the acidic words of your lips. Not being able to comprehend two things at once, they’ll only subconsciously hear the jab at their awesomeness.

This way when they start feeling downgraded they’ll never be able to pin it on you. It’s almost as good as getting away with murder that the Las Vegas CSI can’t solve in one episode length. If you do come to a point where you are ready to burst his cute puppy dog dreams, I hear they have specials on neutering at local animal shelters.