Farmville Frights

Dear Elissagator,
I don’t know if you have heard of the game “Farmville” on facebook, but my mom is obsessed with it. So much to the point that she took it upon herself to keep up my farm once I was done with it. This means she logs onto my account and I don’t want her to do it anymore. How do I tell her? Side note, she is my only source of love.
Fed-up Fannie

Fannie Pack,
There are more issues here than just this Farmville problem. If you went to see a shrink, they would say you have mommy problems and need to cut the umbilical cord. But shrinks are dumb, because umbilical cords come off soon after one is born. That is, unless you’re a freak of nature and you still have a feeding tube hanging from your belly button; in which case you should see a specialist about that. My advice would be to just use a sterile pair of scissors. But you probably shouldn’t then display said cut off umbilical cord on fridge. It’s not exactly something you should be proud of.

However, you can be proud of the fact that you have the power to change your password at anytime so your mom can’t get onto your Farmville. Speaking of which, from what I hear of the game, it’s too much of a feel good game. You can’t shoot horses and sell them to the glue factory, you can’t burn down other people’s crops and you can’t introduce mad cow disease into your Angus stock. There should be an app for that. If I knew how to create such things I would name it “Real Life Farmville,” backwoods serial killer included. It’s true, I learn more from me than I do from my readers.
YOU'RE WELCOME