*WARNING: READER DISCRETION ADVISED. THIS MAY HIT A LITTLE CLOSE TO HOME FOR SOME OF YOU. THE ADVICE GIVER Elissa Gator CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY STATEMENTS THAT MAY CAUSE YOUR HEART TO TWIST IN AGONY. SHE ONLY TELLS THE TRUTH.
Dear Elissa Gator,
I am a man, and as a man I can do anything. But I admit I have a slight problem. I keep going for this certain type of girl and something deep down inside me tells me it's wrong but I don't know why.
Here's my type -- they are shallow and self-serving and usually have the IQ of a canary (I love birds). I can't decide what I like more: that they're so skinny they probably don't menstruate (which hello, means they don't PMS so I'm dodging lots of bullets there); or the fact that they remind me of freshman high school girls straight out of Hannah Montana episodes (you really do get the best of both worlds).
They love to giggle at anything I say, scratch my back during church, and cuddle with me on my friends' beds (I love to show off how manly I am by showing gross amounts of PDA in public). I don't really know about their goals in life; we usually keep our conversations short and physical.
I'm not even sure she's capable of having an intelligent conversation, but who really wants a girl that knows how to string more than five words together? A smart girl might call me out on my crap and that would hurt my manhood.
Personality wise...well...she loves to kiss me personally...hahahaha.
Um, have I talked about her fine looking body? I love to take pictures of us and plaster them over facebook so my friends can be jealous of my smoking hot girl.
She's never cooked for me, but that's not a problem because I want to impress her so I always take her out to fancy restaurants. I don't think she knows how to change a diaper or rock a baby to sleep, but neither do I so I'm not going to judge. She'll tell me stories about how she used to play multiple guys at once, but she assures me she'd never do it to me. Obviously I believe her. She is really pretty.
Her jokes are kind of lame, and sometimes she gets really annoying, but she makes up for it by wearing super tight and low cut clothes. The irony is there isn't much to look at when her shirt does gap open, but I have a great imagination.
Some of my really close friends and family tell me she is not a good match for me, but they don't know her like I do. I think they're just jealous.
I'm going to admit, she can sometimes be uber dumb and makes my head hurt. She can also be really mean, but I know she's just doing it in a flirting way because she wants me so bad.
So, why do I have these glimpses of me waking up 10 years from now with this gorgeous girl next to me (well not really gorgeous anymore because of stretch marks and cellulite, ew) and me not being in love? I don't understand. Help me.
-Confused Carl
Dear Carl,
Actually, she sounds perfect for you.
You're welcome.
-Elissa Gator
