But Do You Recall, The Strangest Christmas Songs Of Them All

Like any good Christian, I enjoy Christmas. I love the family time, the presents, the food (sometimes the food more than the family ... don't tell my family I said that), the way people pretend they're at an all time happiness when in reality they're pulling the hair from their noses because the holiday stresses them out. But Christmas definitely wouldn't be Christmas without Christmas music; whether that be hymns or commercialized jingles pointing out special savings (Happy Honda days ... really?). 

Today, I want to point out why some of these songs may have the magic of Christmas, but it's a dark magic. 

Baby It's Cold Outside
Can I just say this is one of the creepiest songs in songville in general? There's a man, I'm guessing he's in his mid-50s, probably rocking a pedophile mustache, singing to a girl who most likely is 17 trying to convince her to not leave his den of iniquity because it's cold outside. All her good common sense is combated with responses like "you'll freeze and it's up to your knees out there." 

How is this a Christmas song? I think it may have started out as a Public Service Announcement showing the dangers of My Space relationships and accidentally was played on the radio after a Mannheim Steamroller rendition of "Joy to the World," therefore cementing into the minds of the listeners that manipulation is a Christmas theme. 

Santa Baby
If there's one thing we learn at Christmas, it's seduction gets you the best gifts. Even old fat Santa can't resist a pouty blonde who "innocently" asks for things like the deed to a platinum mine. A platinum mine. There's one thing this girl will never have to ask for: The entrepreneurial spirit. 

Winter Wonderland
"In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend he is Parson Brown. He'll say are you married, we'll say 'No man. But you can do the job when you're in town.'" 

A parson is a pastor. I'm guessing this is about a shot gun wedding in which the local small town pastor denied the couple a church wedding, so they had to wander out to the meadow to make their clergy out of snow. Taking their frustrations out on this cold effigy, they then turn him into a circus clown and watch the kiddies knock him down (notice the dual meaning as it correlates to the woman being knocked up with a kiddie). 

Side note: I used to think the lyrics were "then pretend he is sparse and brown." Then again, I grew up in California and our snowmen, made from tumbleweeds, were sparse and brown. 

The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire)
"And folks dressed up like Eskimos." 
1)Pretty sure the general public doesn't even know how Eskimos dress (think seal skins, animal furs, ivory trimmings. Surprised PETA hasn't banned this song).
2) The only people I've seen dressed as Eskimos were wax figures in an Alaskan museum. 
Conclusion: Folks dress up in gear from Burlington Coat Factory. Sorry that doesn't rhyme. 

My Favorite Things
This also gets the honor of "How In The World Did You End Up As A Christmas Song?" My friend said it's because it has the lyric "brown paper packages tied up in strings." Although in today's world, nondescript brown packages usually contain a bomb. 

But the thing about this song that I really can't wrap my head around is this part: "When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling sad; I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don't feel so bad."  

You're telling me that you've just been mauled by a rabid dog, your ankle is attached only by a few tendons, blood is geysering from an artery and you have the thought "Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles" and then things magically seem better? 

Granted, I guess I too would feel better if I were on Oprah's episode where she hands out her favorite things, come dog bite, bee sting or the black plague.  

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas
"Dolls that will talk and go for a walk is the hope of Janice and Jenn." 

Well, we do know Santa is an anagram of Satan, and it looks like Janice and Jenn are some devout Satan followers. The top of their wish list is to have dolls that talk and go for a walk; i.e. demons. Corey also asked for a doll that would talk and go for a walk. Here he is with his demon doll on Christmas morning: 

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
For the most part this song is fine. Except for the line "There'll be scary ghost stories." Wait. I thought scary ghosts were associated with Halloween. 

"And then kids, when the elves found Rudolph, his nose was red. FROM THE BLOOD OF THE REINDEER HUNGER GAMES!!!"  

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Dear son, I know you saw me kissing Santa Claus last night. He is only one in a string of lovers I have. I'm surprised you didn't see me kissing Principle Jones on the porch swing or fondling daddy's boss Mr. Matthews in the laundry room. I realize you also thought I was tickling Santa Claus. It was a type of tickling, but a tickling only grown ups do that you'll understand when you're older. And no, daddy would not be laughing if he knew. 
Love, 
Your Mom Who Gets Around

In conclusion, there are some messed up Christmas songs out there. But at least we have Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You," restoring faith in humanity's ability to write good Christmas songs.

Merry Christmas y'all.

First world problems

Guess what? I did it. I have arrived. If I were Latin, someone would be throwing me a quinceanera. If I were the daughter of Lord and Lady Grantham, this would be my first London party. You get the idea.

I got an iPhone.

I know, Droids are better, I just sold myself to the Apple power who wants to take over my brain, blah blah blah.

It's my first smart phone, and I am stoked. I ordered it online and it got sent here in 2 days (which is miraculous for Alaska shipping standards). Today, I opened it, and started going through the activation process. After some problems and calling tech support, I was given devastating news.

I can't activate here in Alaska because I have Verizon and Verizon is not America's largest network because Alaska is part of America but Verizon is not in Alaska. Soon they'll be here, they tell me. I meant to tell them "well AT&T is here." But they were actually really nice and helpful so I didn't want to be rude.

I have to ship my iphone home so my mommy can activate it and ship it back up. For a couple of days I will have no cell service. Gasp, I know. The world actually might come to an end on Friday.

In more uplifting news, I've started to write. Like actually write a story. I don't know where it's going to go, but it makes me really happy. It's what I'm supposed to do.

And because I can't really get you all a Christmas gift, this is my gift to you. These are my jams that have inspired and motivated me to write and be happy. You should listen to them.

You're welcome.

In no particular order:

Take A Walk by Passion Pit

This song almost makes me want to take a walk, but then I realize it's -40, so I just take a walk in my head.

 

Madness by Muse

This song describes so much of life. Especially my life. Not that I've been in love, but when I am, I'm pretty sure it will be madness. Favorite part is at 4:10 (on the music video version anyway). Wow. It just builds and you feel the power and you feel like you've been blasted into space.

 

 

We Come Running by Youngblood Hawke

I'm pretty sure there's a kid's chorus in the background and it gives it a unique sound. I really like this music video. Most music videos are like "meh, whatever" but if you watch one of these, it should be this one.

 

Wanted by Hunter Hayes

Okay, this kid is only 21-years-old. I would not mind at all if he sang this to me (and meant it, of course). This video isn't my favorite, but his facial expressions are pretty endearing. I'm pretty picky in my Country selection, but I really like his stuff. 

Now I'm sure you're thinking "what, no female artists?" Not for today's list. Maybe next time.

Some interesting facts about some of the above: Hunter Hayes has Grammy nominations for best new artist, best Country solo performance, and best Country album. Muse's Madness was nominated for Best Rock Song.

My only concern is that these songs are going to get way overplayed on the radio and then it will be like when an Adele song comes on -- you really love it but you can't stand it anymore. Sigh, I guess good music just goes that way.

I love these songs because they make me feel. And I want to write stuff that makes people feel. Whether it be passion, or excitement or sadness. Don't worry, I'm not planning on writing 51 Shades of Neutral or anything like that.

And if I don't write for awhile, Merry Christmas! 

Gina's Wedding

Oh. My. Word. I just got back from the last wedding of the season. It was for my cousin, Gina. She got married in the LDS Oquirrh Mountain, Utah Temple. And it didn't snow then either. That makes 4 winter weddings I went to and no snow. Oh well. I guess the brides were happy. In case you were concerned, I did not catch the bouquet. It went to a 10 year old. Just because she's not even old enough to date doesn't mean I'm bitter...

This whole reception was decorated and thought of by my amazingly talented aunt and her friend. Our family also did all the food. We can crank out some serious food.

Here is a video of Gina seeing it decorated for the first time. Then you can scroll down and see all the snap shots and descriptions and tragic stories about elephants at weddings.

Unfortunately, these pictures don't even begin to convey the beauty of the reception. Maybe once the professional photographer gets her pictures up I will post a link.

The centerpieces were chandeliers my aunt bought on ebay on top of glass bowls or vases, which were on top of doilies, which was on top of a gray quilted square (that my other aunt made from old suit coats). On top of the square were more doilies, antique teacups filled with various flowers and sugared fruit. 

While we were up at the temple, my aunt's friends were busy finishing up the decorating. Someone had left a burner on in the kitchen, and then someone had put a plastic box on top of it. Needless to say it caught on fire. When my aunt asked if they had called 911, the friend said "No way! If they came in here and saw all the cords for the chandeliers running all over the place they would for sure shut us down!" Thankfully, the fire was contained and only a plastic box was harmed. As well as someone's pride, I'm sure. 

The above is the sign-in table. It's an old yellow-paged piano book with classical songs in it. The bride's sister then glued blank pages every other page with pictures of the couple. I wrote a haiku. The silver tree was done by another aunt spray painting about 20 large branches for her son's November wedding. We reuse when we can. 

As guests left, they got to fill up a box with homemade mini cookies that were in decorated jars. More doilies as well as stuffed birds were accented throughout the room (do you see Hedwig?).

Old chairs were in corners for people to sit and enjoy the reception, or look at some of the many black and white old framed pictures. Notice the silver platters on the wall or the black feathered wreath? Someone said this reception could have made for great "I Spy" pictures. And that's my grandma in case you were wondering. 

The hot chocolate stop - with hazelnut, vanilla and toffee syrups, marshmallows, crushed whoppers, crushed peppermint and cream. Most of the furniture my aunt already owned. She and her decorator friend would also go to DI (a thrift store in Utah) and pick up all sorts of antiques that they then displayed. 

No plastic china here. Antique plates were used to eat cake from (the most deliciously wedding cake I have ever tasted, I might add).

Speaking of cake, there the couple is cutting it. And a bird in the lower right hand corner. Dead, of course. 

The backdrop was made by tying different ribbon to a bar. Chandeliers were hung from the basketball hoop. They also had rugs everywhere to make it feel more homey and less basketball-courtey. 

Because all the food was made by us from scratch, it was a delicious affair. You got a glass plate (they had an eclectic mix to choose from) and then picked up: a vegetable cup pre-arranged with ranch dressing and slices of veggies; colored shaped sandwiches with fillings like apricot bacon (YUM!), pimento cheese or deviled ham; mini homemade cinnamon rolls; parfaits of chocolate and oreo, vanilla, wafer and banana, or vanilla, pound cake and raspberry in glass cups; raspberry frappes, and chex-mix in a bag. We had to wash all the glass plates and parfait glasses by hand. Thankfully I didn't volunteer for that job. 

And check out that beautiful centerpiece! They ordered flowers from Costco.com and had a friend who had had some experience with flowers do the arranging. Sadly, at the end of the night when everything was being packed back up the flowers froze because they were accidentally left outside for the night. 

 That's me, my mom and my sister Saundra. I'm surprised we didn't look more like zombies by the end of the night. 

And of course me and the bride. Isn't she just gorgeous? 


When they were setting up the reception, my uncle had to make 15 trips with his pick up to bring all the furniture, chandeliers, rugs, tree branches and other decorations to the church. The next day he had a brilliant idea to rent a UHaul truck. We filled it. 

Thankfully there were a lot of people there so clean up only took about 2 hours. To cover all the chandelier wires that ran from the tables to the outlets, someone used paper packing tape to secure them to the floor. Because of the nature of the tape, it didn't pull of cleanly so about 20 of us had to sit on the floor and slowly scrape away at the tape. It was a mess. 


At the end, we all agreed that it was a ton of work. I think I might just have a petting zoo for my reception and the people can eat the animal's food pellets. To make it even more fancy I'll even have an elephant so you can take your picture with the bride, groom and elephant.

I Promise to Look After It

I made up a survey to figure out the perfect family pet.

1) Are you a fan of Michael Vick? If yes, get a cat. A dog would get you time in the slammer.

2) Did you watch Steve Irwin growing up? If so, that's really creepy. What were you, his Aussie neighborhood stalker, watching him from birth to fame? Get no pets. 

3) After watching Finding Nemo did you a) flush your fish down the toilet or b) want to join a "Fish are Friends Not Food" club ? If you picked a, get a pelican. If you picked b, find a friend who can talk to whales but forgets your name and call her your Squishy. 

4) When you see someone pushing a stroller, do you shriek with delight to find they're pushing dogs and not babies? If yes, get a bear. You need a reality check. 

 

 

5) Do you like to paint? Follow my friend Bob Ross and get a pet squirrel. 

6) Do you tend to tell stories that aren't true? A dodo bird is right up your alley.

 

7) Are you annoyed with life in general? Then I'm sure you already have plenty of pet peeves. 

 

Maybe I should write surveys for a living. I'd make bank.