First world problems

Guess what? I did it. I have arrived. If I were Latin, someone would be throwing me a quinceanera. If I were the daughter of Lord and Lady Grantham, this would be my first London party. You get the idea.

I got an iPhone.

I know, Droids are better, I just sold myself to the Apple power who wants to take over my brain, blah blah blah.

It's my first smart phone, and I am stoked. I ordered it online and it got sent here in 2 days (which is miraculous for Alaska shipping standards). Today, I opened it, and started going through the activation process. After some problems and calling tech support, I was given devastating news.

I can't activate here in Alaska because I have Verizon and Verizon is not America's largest network because Alaska is part of America but Verizon is not in Alaska. Soon they'll be here, they tell me. I meant to tell them "well AT&T is here." But they were actually really nice and helpful so I didn't want to be rude.

I have to ship my iphone home so my mommy can activate it and ship it back up. For a couple of days I will have no cell service. Gasp, I know. The world actually might come to an end on Friday.

In more uplifting news, I've started to write. Like actually write a story. I don't know where it's going to go, but it makes me really happy. It's what I'm supposed to do.

And because I can't really get you all a Christmas gift, this is my gift to you. These are my jams that have inspired and motivated me to write and be happy. You should listen to them.

You're welcome.

In no particular order:

Take A Walk by Passion Pit

This song almost makes me want to take a walk, but then I realize it's -40, so I just take a walk in my head.

 

Madness by Muse

This song describes so much of life. Especially my life. Not that I've been in love, but when I am, I'm pretty sure it will be madness. Favorite part is at 4:10 (on the music video version anyway). Wow. It just builds and you feel the power and you feel like you've been blasted into space.

 

 

We Come Running by Youngblood Hawke

I'm pretty sure there's a kid's chorus in the background and it gives it a unique sound. I really like this music video. Most music videos are like "meh, whatever" but if you watch one of these, it should be this one.

 

Wanted by Hunter Hayes

Okay, this kid is only 21-years-old. I would not mind at all if he sang this to me (and meant it, of course). This video isn't my favorite, but his facial expressions are pretty endearing. I'm pretty picky in my Country selection, but I really like his stuff. 

Now I'm sure you're thinking "what, no female artists?" Not for today's list. Maybe next time.

Some interesting facts about some of the above: Hunter Hayes has Grammy nominations for best new artist, best Country solo performance, and best Country album. Muse's Madness was nominated for Best Rock Song.

My only concern is that these songs are going to get way overplayed on the radio and then it will be like when an Adele song comes on -- you really love it but you can't stand it anymore. Sigh, I guess good music just goes that way.

I love these songs because they make me feel. And I want to write stuff that makes people feel. Whether it be passion, or excitement or sadness. Don't worry, I'm not planning on writing 51 Shades of Neutral or anything like that.

And if I don't write for awhile, Merry Christmas! 

Because I Care

I felt the need to post two posts in a day to make up for the lack of posting recently.

My mom had told my younger brother (Tanner) to change the laundry. She had forgotten to turn on the dryer, so when Tanner went to put the wet clothes from the washer in the dryer, he found the dryer to already be full of wet clothes. Being the smart kid that he is, he took the wet clothes out of the dryer, put them on top of the dryer, and put the other wet load in. Who said you couldn't kill any birds with 3 stones?

Also, I just found this site that has caused uncontrollable fits of hysteria (so much so that my dad who is concentrating on something of obvious importance told me "that's enough Elissa."). It's called (and excuse the language) "Shit My Students Write." I've included a couple of fine samples below, complete with titles/captions given to the selections (not of my doing):

Hot Potato
The potato literally encouraged the Irish to overbreed.


Never Forget
Was it the Revolutionary War or the Civil War that the Japanese dropped the atomic bomb on Pearl Harbor?

He Always Did Prefer Thighs and Drumsticks
Indians, the other dark meat, were saved from extinction by the humanitarian, Andrew Jackson.


Flipper was his homeboy
Steinbeck always wrote with a porpoise.


I don't remember the civil war, like, at all. 
I’ve lived my whole life on the west coast and to me, the civil war seems like a really really long time ago

In the Trees

If a tree falls down in the forest, with no one around, does it make a noise? Better yet, what happens when crazy smart Japanese people create a giant xylophone made from wood, put it in the forest, and roll a ball down it - does it make noise? The answer is that someone is filming the whole thing, so yes, it does. Watch and be astounded. If you can't figure out the song, it's Bach's Jesu Joy of a Man's Desiring (one of my all time favorite songs to boot).

Next Time you Step on an Ant...

This blew my mind. They found an abandoned subterranean ant colony (I don't know where) and poured 10 tons of cement down the hole. It took 3 days. After, they spent weeks digging it out. If you don't want to watch the whole thing, fast forward to the very last minute to see the whole thing. It is 8 meters deep! What can I say, I'm kind of obsessed with nature sometimes. (Go alligators!)

Public Service Announcement

Many of you may have played with Barbies in your past. But at least all of you know what Barbies are. And because I don't want my audience to go uninformed, I'm here to tell you about some recent changes to the Barbie world.

I was in Target the other day, when Fashionista Ken caught my eye. 

But the best part is the wording at the top of the box that says "100 + poses!" I'm so glad they've updated Normal Guy Ken with only 7 poses to Fashionista Ken with 100 + poses.

In addition, they have a new line called "Barbie - Back to Basics"

Apparently, one blogger was able to point out that these Barbies all have the looks of popular models (Tyra is #2 and Heidi is #10, in case you were wondering). I was just freaked out by how big their heads are in proportion  to the rest of their bodies. Then again, maybe it's a metaphor...

Remember how brothers or older sisters or evil children named Sid would pop off Barbie's head? Well now it's encouraged. Introducing: "Barbie, Swappin' Styles!"

It's great, because you buy just one Barbie, and ten different heads, and you are able to change Barbie's look with just a click and snap.

Kind of reminds me of that Wizard of Oz 2 movie. If you've seen it, you'll know what I'm talking about, because I don't think you could forget something like that.

I feel bad that they didn't have this around during Michael Jackson's life. I think the public would have been more accepting of his looks.

Or not.

I couldn't remember what the line was called, so I was googling things like "Barbie exchangeable heads" or "Different Head Barbie" or "Barbie Looses Her Head." To say the least, I saw some of Barbie's pictures that TMZ must have rights to.

I think this last one is my favorite. Tramp Stamp Tattoo Barbie. The question is, can her tattoo do 100+ poses? I'm sure by the time she looks like the above geriatric Barbie the tattoo will not only do different poses, but be able to transform into different animal shapes as well.

Oh, Mattel, how grateful we are to thee for coming up with this stuff.

And if this stuff didn't impress you, I found a couple new sights you should check out:
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/
and   http://www.myregisblog.com/

My Big A House

First off, to clear things up, the "A" in "Big A House," stands for "amazing." I just didn't feel like a really long title.

Second off, this is the house I live in. (Yes, this one that looks like it swallowed three giant houses).

Third off, this is obviously not the house I live in, but will hopefully someday. Maybe not this one. Mine will most likely be larger and grander. (I'm thinking big and spacious building here. How cool would it be if it actually floated? Then you could fly your house anywhere).

Fourth off, is this considered coveting?

You Look Like You Need A Laugh

Over the course of decades, nay, days, I have diligently been searching to find things to make you, yes you, smile. I'm sure sometimes you think "why does she directly talk to me when she's really talking to anyone who reads this dumb thing?" It's because I know you. I know you'd never say something like that. This Christmas, I wanted to give you something. It'll probably grow (like those sponge men you put in water that expand 300% more) as I think of more. Here is a list of places to go to when you need a laugh/want to feel good about yourself. I'm sure you've heard of most, but it's always good to be reminded.

Cake Wrecks
Featuring real cakes in real bakeries that have gone real wrong.

Catalog Living
I already promoted them, but I'll do it again

Foxy Blunt
When Hallmark doesn't send the very best.

SeriouslySoBlessed
This site reminds me of someone I know (none of you, unless it is you, which if it is, then I find it interesting you're reading my blog...)

People of Walmart
Perhaps save this site for the special occasion when you feel you dressed in the dark. Unless dressing in the dark isn't a special occasion for you.

Engrish Funny
You know you wish they made signs like that in America (then again, maybe they do)

Awkward Family Photos
It's so funny because it hits so close to home

Chuck Norris Jokes
Chuck Norris doesn't blog. Blogs Chuck Norris.

GraphJam
And you thought graphs and pie charts were boring.

The Onion
Don't let the news get you down.

SignatureTshirts
Not the coolest shop name, but some very clever shirts.

Fred Products
Because a giving a toaster gets boring after awhile

YouTube Videos (obviously too many to really list, but here's some of my favorite)

Anything with Remi Gaillard in it. He's like the crazy cousin that no one likes to admit being related to, but secretly every one wishes they had his guts.

Literal Video of Total Eclipse of My Heart
It gets me every time.

Kittens Inspired By Kittens
"No You're Not!"


Favorite Funny TV shows:

Pysch
Oh Shaun and Gus how I want to be your friend

Eureka
This is quirky and sci-fi. Maybe I'm a closet sci-fi-er. Get over it.

Raising Hope
New this season, it helps us understand our 2nd cousins, the white trash folk.

The Office
Well duh

Books (Man, I really need to keep my GoodReads up to date. I forget everything)

Thursday Next series by Jasper Fforde

Lemony Snicket
Can I please be this person when I grow up? Make sure to read the other books besides just Unfortunate Events. If you haven't yet, well, that's unfortunate.

Snow White and the Seven Doors
Okay, you can't actually see this book, because I wrote it in 3rd grade, but give props to a third grade genius for that punny title/ensuing story line. I even drew pictures of seven doors.

Sierra St. James
She's a Mormon author, and I've only read like two of her books, but they were pretty funny. Remember those, Adrian?

It really is a shame I can't think of more funny books right now. Then again, I was into die-hard mysteries for the most part (you thought I was going to say die-hard romance. Well I didn't). And if they're written well, mysteries aren't usually very funny; unless they're written poorly, then they're hilarious.

Seriously, this list should keep you laughing for hours (clicking on the links and exploring, of course). I'm so generous for creating it (and unfortunately I will now be an insomniac tonight as my brain gets blitzed with more funny stuff. I know, you're thinking it's not possible for me not to be able to fall asleep, but sometimes, it's true. Maybe I'll fall asleep laughing. Or start floating like the man on Mary Poppins. "A wooden leg named Smith...") Send some Christmas love this way and tell me places you go to make you laugh. Besides this site (because that would be trying to get brownie points on your behalf, and we just can't have that).

I wish this were my life...

I found a new blog today that 1)I'm mad I didn't come up with the idea first and 2)I wish I were Elaine and Gary and could live as fancy as they do. Let me explain. This blog is called Catalog Living, and features pictures from home decor magazines with captions that correlate. For example (and no, I didn't write this)

"Frankly Gary, I’m still worried that the Turners are going to think our lamps are too small."


Or

When Gary and Elaine host a cocktail party, you can always rest assured that they’ll be serving at least one bowl of giant rope.


Genius and hilarious. I probably spent an hour look at all the past posts. I read an article about the mastermind behind it and she said she gets e-mails all the times from photographers and the such who tell her they know what they're doing is absolutely ridiculous, so they find her stuff funny and not insulting. Maybe one day Adrian will have a picture featured on this lady's blog. But mark my words, I'll have the first poke at it. 


I know I didn't have that genius idea, but I did have another one: if I ever get married, I'm thinking instead of having a flower bouquet, I'll have an Edible Arrangement, you know, the fancy fruit basket? That way, I can just nibble on it the whole day while still looking put together. I don't want to take business away from Melissa or anything, so everyone should keep this idea on the down low.


And last but not least...I've had two sales! What's even cooler is that they were from people that randomly found me on Etsy. Speaking of my store, the week after Thanksgiving I'm doing a giveaway on Joelle's blog, so make sure you check it out (I'll remind everyone, no worries!).


And that, my friends, is all she wrote. For today. 

Why get a dog when you could get a Croc!

Um, I just don't know what to say about this. 

A dream is a wish your brain makes

I read this on msn's site, and thought it was interesting:

"Can you vividly recall your dreams each morning? Your sleep style indicates that you are likely highly creative in your waking life.
"People with an intensely high level of dream recall have something called 'thin borders,'" says James Pagel, M.D., director of the Sleepworks Laboratory in Colorado Springs, Colo. "That means that for them, everything is in shades of gray, there's not whole lot of black or white. They’re not purely Democrats or Republicans; they are not quite asleep or awake; and they define much of their lives in that way."
Such people tend to be odd and quirky—and although most are perfectly normal, they are at higher risk than others for schizophrenia."

What I'm trying to say is; make sure I don't get schizophrenia.

Musings of the muse-less

I decided that really popular personal blogs have something in common - they are a tell-all of the person's life: including all their feelings, all their hardships, all their failures and all their everything. It really is reality television in the written word. I guess what I'm saying is I will probably never reach popular personal blog status. Not that I'm exactly trying, but let me tell you, my blog is not my life under a microscope. Although, I guess this statement is a move in that direction. That, or the big sign in the road that says "Dead End to Elissa's Deepest Thoughts." This epiphany occurred after reading NieNie. She is the lady that was in the plane crash and was burned over 80% of her body. After hearing rave reviews, I finally went to the blog. What I found interesting is that she was a "professional blogger" before the crash. If you've never been to her blog, you should check it out.

In less deep thoughts, I found this company: Pillow Tie. It's a tie that you can blow up (not like a bomb) to then act as a pillow. Based on the first and last picture, I think I may need to start incorporating ties into my wardrobe.

Why I Read the Paper

Besides reading my scriptures, I am also a religious follower/reader of The Funnies a.k.a. The Comics. I think it may be the reason why I wanted to go into journalism in the first place. First I read the funnies, then I read the other news. Next to the funnies are the advice columns. They are ridiculous and stupid and give no sound advice That is why I started doing my own advice column on my blog, though I haven’t wrote a problem into myself for awhile. Ooops, what I meant to say: though I haven't answered problems written into me in awhile.  One day, there was this comic strip (not to be confused with prostitution, whore of the earth, or Jezzabell): 

Priceless.

And in case any of you were wondering; yes, I am still working on a total blog makeover. The current blog design is not my own, and for the next while my blog may appear to look like plastic surgery gone bad. One of these days there will be an audio bite of Ty Pennington from Extreme Home Makeover saying "Move that link!" Groaner. I'll think of something more fabulous.

Dusty Eggs

I have been crushing hard on a certain semi-celebrity. This is Matt Bomer from USA's White Collar.

I'm not one to crush on celebrities. Maybe it's because my biological clock is ticking, my eggs are getting dusty and my body is telling me I need to find a man. I'm not sure why him. Well, despite that fact that he's ridiculously good looking. But he's waaaaaay out of my league, an actor who I'll never meet, and the final clincher, I'm pretty sure he's gay. (Apparently he's raising three kids with his partner Simon Hill, but there's not too much info about it out there). Hopefully now that I've posted this shameful admission (which I think has just demoted me back to teenage girl) I'll stop thinking about him altogether. But...probably not. Sigh.

If You Stayed With LOST Until the End

If you actually watched LOST up until the very bitter end like I did (although I wanted to quit multiple times, but felt like I had put so much time and energy into my television relationship that I had to see it to the death), this article helps lightbulbs go off in the head after watching the season finale. Of course you have to take some things into consideration, and some of the explanations may not be the perfect truth, but it sure helps it all make sense. It's okay to admit you're pathetic like me. It's not okay to be me. Because that would be considered identity theft.
Lost Finale Explained

Price of Glory

I don't normally post stuff like this, but this article is very thought provoking. The other day I was contemplating what it means to "be the best." The thought occurred to me that our culture celebrates only the best, those who dedicate themselves to one task, eliminating practically everything else. Yes, I'm talking about Olympic athletes, among others. Think about the motivational posters in our schools-they are usually NBA stars and celebrities and the such. What does this teach us at a young age? I'll get off my soap box now, but you really should read this article that was shown to me after telling someone my thoughts.
The Price of Glory

Total Eclipse of my Laugh

Once upon a time people were trying to think of a great music video for this 80's ( I assume) song. It seems like nobody's ideas were left out. This is the real music video for Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart," but the lyrics have been changed. I will not say that I believe this to be one of the strangest music videos I have ever seen. I'll leave that conclusion to you. Make sure you watch in full screen so that you can really feel the emotion of this video. I promise this is better than the "make my logo bigger" video -- that was a little much, I know. Please, feel free to leave your expressionless words of absolute amazement after watching this life changing movie. I understand.
 

Kittens Inspired by Kittens

This you tube video just brightens my day. It brings out the little kitten in all of us.

Candy Store

Whilest I was at Walmart today I happened upon these interesting m&m's: strawberried peanut butter. Upon further research, they came out in celebration of the second Transformers movie. But the real question, were they any good? I say yes, yes they were. Now, don't go expecting a lucious truffle, it's more like a fun surprise (that happens to be pleasent) in your mouth. It makes me wonder what it would taste like if I started dipping PB&J sandwhiches in melted chocolate. How about that for fondue? (Please don't say fondon't).

In regards to candy, my brother, Mitch, who is on a mission in England told about an experience he had. They were about to visit a member when they both got "bad feelings." Here's how he described it: "like i was in a really bad place kind of like when you are on a diet and you walk through the candy section in the store." Perfect analogy. See, missions do teach you something.

Oh Halloween

Why is it that Halloween is just another excuse to be raunchy? Look at this clean costume above. Granted, I can't tell if it's a dog or a human inside (which wouldn't it be AWESOME if a human were in there) but look how clean and true to nature this is. Granted number two, I happen to love alligators. Ward party Monday night sprung up on me, and yes, we're supposed to dress up. The question is -- what as? To think that I, Elissa Stewart would have a hard time figuring out what to be. It's true. What can I say, I just like Halloween for the candy. Maybe I should just dress up as a pig. 

Austen could be rolling in her grave, or maybe walking...

"A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages; she must be well trained in the fighting styles of the Kyoto masters and moderns tactics of weaponry of Europe." -Mr. Darcy

Well said, Mr. Darcy. Obviously, if you know anything, you know Mr. Darcy comes from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. And if you know more than anything, you'll know that this quote seems a bit off. That would be because this is from Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. The same classic story, but besides fighting the social atrocities of pride and prejudices, the Bennet girls and all of England must also fight Zombies who roam the land waiting to eat living flesh.

I've only just begun, and I dare say I might have been a little scared going to bed last night. Not for the Zombie aspect, but because I just don't know if Mr. Darcy will ever come around. That's not true either. I actually read the first version in High School, and am not ashamed of saying that I've seen the A&E 6 hour version, the Mormon version, and the latest version staring Keira Knightly (Mrs. Darcy. Mrs. Darcy. Mrs. Darcy. Mrs. Darcy. Mrs. Darcy.).

Bascially, I love it. Highly recommend it. Especially if you want to read about modest 1800 Englishwomen forming (as Mr. Bennet so lovingly puts it) "the pentagram of death" (in which they then slay their way through zombies that crashed the first ball of the novel).

And now I must go study the Kyoto masters, so I too can be considered a well rounded woman and someone like Mr. Darcy will want to marry me.