Dear ElissaGator,
What is the proper etiquette for chain letter like facebook statuses? I want to be cool, but sometimes I don't feel comfortable re-posting some of them.
- Friendly Fred
Follower,
Thank you so much for being brave enough to ask about this obnoxious practice so that I could show people the stupidity of their ways without making them look like out right idiots. For those readers just tuning in, or if you're half deaf and don't have a facebook page, chain letter statuses go something like this:
Because of you, my life is what it is today. Thank you so much, I might have to cry just typing this. Post this if you believe you have wonderful parents/grandparents/boyfriend/girlfriend/sibling/friend/pet iguana. Only people who truly love their parents/grandparents/boyfriend/girlfriend/sibling/friend/pet iguana will post this.
Variations include topics such as fighting cancer, national pride, and eternally mourning Michael Jackson.
What? Did Oprah come up with this idea as a way to immortalize her feel-good mind control after she's gone? And then people feel so pressured to re-post. Because let's face it, if you don't copy and paste someone's generic status about saving the whales, you are therefore a Nazi. It's like a gateway drug to shallow relationships. Are you going to tell your kids "Jeremy's mom told her son she was proud of him because she heard Dakota's father say the same thing to his daughter, so I guess I have to also tell you I'm proud of you." To the people who are tragic offenders of this, I say to you: this is a cop out way of professing your love. If you really love someone or care about a cause, you'd send them some chocolates (truffle variety with some caramels thrown in for good measure) or volunteer your time.Who is the Nazi now?
So, in conclusion, if you agree with this post, you will copy and paste it onto all your social networking sites to let everyone know. I'll know who my true readers are.
You're welcome.
This is day 12 of 30.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Dear ElissaGator,
I committed to do a special project everyday for 30 days. The problem is, I'm kind of sick of it. I'm not sure what it's accomplishing, besides driving me a little batty. Should I cut my losses, or finish what I started?
-Frustrated in Florida
Failure,
Good for you for setting out to do a project. You didn't tell me what day you were on. If you're on day one, then yes, cut your losses (whatever that's supposed to mean) and move on with your life. If you're on day, oh I don't know, 11, then it sounds like you're in a real bind. If I were you (which thankfully I'm not, because if I were going to set out on a 30 day project, I'd be real sure I'd have the stamina to see it to the end) I'd come at it from a different angle. This should help renew your purpose and give new lifeblood to your project. Unless your project happens to be drinking blood, then I don't think you can give new lifeblood to it. If it's donating blood everyday for 30 days, then I suppose that would be new lifeblood, but I'd also suppose you might be dead by now. In which case I'd have to assume you're at day one. Cut your losses, you loser.
You're welcome.
This is day 11 of 30.
I committed to do a special project everyday for 30 days. The problem is, I'm kind of sick of it. I'm not sure what it's accomplishing, besides driving me a little batty. Should I cut my losses, or finish what I started?
-Frustrated in Florida
Failure,
Good for you for setting out to do a project. You didn't tell me what day you were on. If you're on day one, then yes, cut your losses (whatever that's supposed to mean) and move on with your life. If you're on day, oh I don't know, 11, then it sounds like you're in a real bind. If I were you (which thankfully I'm not, because if I were going to set out on a 30 day project, I'd be real sure I'd have the stamina to see it to the end) I'd come at it from a different angle. This should help renew your purpose and give new lifeblood to your project. Unless your project happens to be drinking blood, then I don't think you can give new lifeblood to it. If it's donating blood everyday for 30 days, then I suppose that would be new lifeblood, but I'd also suppose you might be dead by now. In which case I'd have to assume you're at day one. Cut your losses, you loser.
You're welcome.
This is day 11 of 30.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Mommy and Me
Dear ElissaGator,
I don't mean to really complain, but my mom has better looks than I do. When we go out clubbing together, she always get hit on by the guys, while I'm left alone. What can I do?
-Mad at Mother
Muriel,
Wait. Did you say you go clubbing with your mom? Well of course you did, because I can read. I had no idea there was such a thing as a mommy daughter club. What, is it called Mommy and Me? Do they give out prizes for the mom and daughter that look the most skank alike? This is your problem. Men that go to these clubs are looking for a father role, so of course they're going to hit on your mother. They don't want some fun young thang to have a relationship with; they want someone that already has children that they can make an impact on. And I'm guessing a lot of these guys may have just been released from prison (because obviously their judgment is impaired). Find some age appropriate friends (hopefully uglier than you) and find another club.
You're welcome.
*Syndicated Editor's note: ElissaGator has taken the challenge to answer/give advice freely for the next 30 days. She would have done it for the next 365 days, had the thought of utter failure not demised her attempts. You may ask her any question about herself, or ask for any advice for yourself or in behalf of a loved/hated/neutrally-platonic one.
This is day 10 of 30.
I don't mean to really complain, but my mom has better looks than I do. When we go out clubbing together, she always get hit on by the guys, while I'm left alone. What can I do?
-Mad at Mother
Muriel,
Wait. Did you say you go clubbing with your mom? Well of course you did, because I can read. I had no idea there was such a thing as a mommy daughter club. What, is it called Mommy and Me? Do they give out prizes for the mom and daughter that look the most skank alike? This is your problem. Men that go to these clubs are looking for a father role, so of course they're going to hit on your mother. They don't want some fun young thang to have a relationship with; they want someone that already has children that they can make an impact on. And I'm guessing a lot of these guys may have just been released from prison (because obviously their judgment is impaired). Find some age appropriate friends (hopefully uglier than you) and find another club.
You're welcome.
*Syndicated Editor's note: ElissaGator has taken the challenge to answer/give advice freely for the next 30 days. She would have done it for the next 365 days, had the thought of utter failure not demised her attempts. You may ask her any question about herself, or ask for any advice for yourself or in behalf of a loved/hated/neutrally-platonic one.
This is day 10 of 30.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Mashed
Dear ElissaGator,
My roommate is dating a boy whom I absolutely hate. How do I get rid of him?
-Irate in Idaho
Irene,
I'm a big fan of showing the couple how important you consider their relationship. First, make sure the doors are locked, because they need to stay inside for the entire performance. Then place potatoes (you're in Idaho, right?) that resemble the couple around the apartment, and when they're on the coach having a romantic interlude, precede to scream angry chants while throwing the potatoes in boiling water. Have another roommate flicker the lights to emphasis the extreme nature of the situation. While potatoes are boiling, dance around the couple while reading Robert Frost poems in a Canadian accent. Wear nylons.
When potatoes are done boiling, put potatoes in bathroom tub. Encourage (or force) the couple into the bathroom. Have everyone jump in the tub and start mashing the potatoes by any means necessary. While doing this, play Richard Simmons sound bites that have been auto-tuned. Make sure no one is laughing. Punish laughing by pointing to feminine hygiene products. Laughing should then stop.
When potatoes are at a nice mashy consistency, scoop them up placing equal amounts into ice cream bowls. Go back to the living room and have the three of you sit on the smallest couch. While spoon feeding each other the mashed potatoes, proceed to watch Steel Magnolias. At the end of the movie, hug the both of them and while looking seductively in the boyfriend's eyes say "Will you bring the potatoes tomorrow night?" Unlock the doors and wave good bye as they run out.
There is a 99.999% chance that this will work, if instructions are followed exactly. Your other option is to come onto the boyfriend, actually fall in love with him, get engaged and spend the rest of your miserable happy lives together (for wedding dress options, see this bit of advice). I'd go with the potato scenario.
You're welcome.
*Syndicated Editor's note: ElissaGator has taken the challenge to answer/give advice freely for the next 30 days. She would have done it for the next 365 days, had the thought of utter failure not demised her attempts. You may ask her any question about herself, or ask for any advice for yourself or in behalf of a loved/hated/neutrally-platonic one.
This is day 9 of 30.
She is a fan of blog stalking.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Ten Steps to Glory
Dear ElissaGator,
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of three weeks. I am not really used to the single scene anymore. What should I do to make sure boys know that I am available again and ready to move on?
-Stranded and Single
Standing,
Wow. That really sucks. My condolences to the death of your relationship. But mourning time is over. This ten-step-non-fail list will for sure let the male species know you are ready to dust your eggs off (or at least go on a first date).
1) Create videos of yourself showcasing your best skills, then post them on YouTube. Have faith that they will go viral.
2) Say no to any parties where there are girls only. Only attend those where members of the opposite sex will be present (preferably in your age range). Tell your girlfriends that you'll have more time for them after your hunt is over and you've snagged a boyfriend. Your true friends will understand and support you.
3) Register for eHarmony and take their relationship test so they can tell you there are not many matches. Don't ever actually pay for the service.
4) Also register (remember, don't pay) for LDS Singles.com; and then run away as fast as you can.
5) Go through your contact list of male friends and text them personal questions about their life to make it seem like you're interested in them. The one/s that text back asking personal questions about your life are potential boyfriend material.
6) Think about taking applications for boyfriends, but don't follow through because you'll attract the wrong kind of men. Unless that is the kind of man you're looking for.
7) Set up a kissing both. Charge $5 for every kiss; $25 if you've never been kissed; $40 for men over 38. Contact the city about zoning laws.
8) Wear a shirt that you got after donating blood that says "Are You My Type?" Wear this at construction sites or football games.
9) Slyly let it out in any and all conversations that you're back on the single scene. For example, you're at the grocery store in the check out lane when the clerk asks if you found everything okay. Tell them: "No. I was only able to find this single apple. Too bad I couldn't make it a pear." Clerk then will most likely set you up on a blind date (hopefully not with a fruit).
10) Have a friend create a face book page that points out your singleness. Invite all to join. Update regularly with statuses like "Man, Friday nights are so boring when you're home all alone. LOL."
Let me know how it goes. And if following these rules helps you get your MRS degree, I fully expect a %12 cut of your wedding gifts.
You're welcome.
*ElissaGator cannot guarantee following these steps will result in getting a boyfriend. She can only guarantee that there will be a multitude of people aware of your singleness.
*Syndicated Editor's note: ElissaGator has taken the challenge to answer/give advice freely for the next 30 days. She would have done it for the next 365 days, had the thought of utter failure not demised her attempts. She's dang proud she just made a week.You may ask her any question about herself, or ask for any advice for yourself or in behalf of a loved/hated/neutrally-platonic one.
This is day 8 of 30.
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of three weeks. I am not really used to the single scene anymore. What should I do to make sure boys know that I am available again and ready to move on?
-Stranded and Single
Standing,
Wow. That really sucks. My condolences to the death of your relationship. But mourning time is over. This ten-step-non-fail list will for sure let the male species know you are ready to dust your eggs off (or at least go on a first date).
1) Create videos of yourself showcasing your best skills, then post them on YouTube. Have faith that they will go viral.
2) Say no to any parties where there are girls only. Only attend those where members of the opposite sex will be present (preferably in your age range). Tell your girlfriends that you'll have more time for them after your hunt is over and you've snagged a boyfriend. Your true friends will understand and support you.
3) Register for eHarmony and take their relationship test so they can tell you there are not many matches. Don't ever actually pay for the service.
4) Also register (remember, don't pay) for LDS Singles.com; and then run away as fast as you can.
5) Go through your contact list of male friends and text them personal questions about their life to make it seem like you're interested in them. The one/s that text back asking personal questions about your life are potential boyfriend material.
6) Think about taking applications for boyfriends, but don't follow through because you'll attract the wrong kind of men. Unless that is the kind of man you're looking for.
7) Set up a kissing both. Charge $5 for every kiss; $25 if you've never been kissed; $40 for men over 38. Contact the city about zoning laws.
8) Wear a shirt that you got after donating blood that says "Are You My Type?" Wear this at construction sites or football games.
9) Slyly let it out in any and all conversations that you're back on the single scene. For example, you're at the grocery store in the check out lane when the clerk asks if you found everything okay. Tell them: "No. I was only able to find this single apple. Too bad I couldn't make it a pear." Clerk then will most likely set you up on a blind date (hopefully not with a fruit).
10) Have a friend create a face book page that points out your singleness. Invite all to join. Update regularly with statuses like "Man, Friday nights are so boring when you're home all alone. LOL."
Let me know how it goes. And if following these rules helps you get your MRS degree, I fully expect a %12 cut of your wedding gifts.
You're welcome.
*ElissaGator cannot guarantee following these steps will result in getting a boyfriend. She can only guarantee that there will be a multitude of people aware of your singleness.
*Syndicated Editor's note: ElissaGator has taken the challenge to answer/give advice freely for the next 30 days. She would have done it for the next 365 days, had the thought of utter failure not demised her attempts. She's dang proud she just made a week.You may ask her any question about herself, or ask for any advice for yourself or in behalf of a loved/hated/neutrally-platonic one.
This is day 8 of 30.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Blogging With the Cons
Dear ElissaGator,
I am starting my own blog, is their any tips you can give me to help achieve ultimate blog domination?
-Blogging Brian
Boogers,
You're just now starting your own blog? You must have recently been released from prison after serving hard time. I know you probably didn't want the world to know you're an ex-con, but I can't be sorry for guessing the right answer either. I take it you'll be blogging about your time in the slammer. I think that will be a fabulous blog (I haven't read too many of those, and I think there is a need). Things you need to do to make your blog the envy of inmates prisons round:
1) A catchy name for you blog. It has to explain what your blog is about while not giving too much away. For example, My Time in Prison reeks of boringness. Try something along the lines of I Was Locked Up With the Cousin of the Guy I Accidentally Gunned Down or My Homie Ratted Me Out to Make a Deal with the DA. Things like that.
2) Figure out what the purpose of your blog is. The few ex-con blogs I do read all blog about the same thing: how horrible prison was. Find a direction that no one has done. I think it would be refreshing to read a blog about the food you had in prison, complete with recipes and photos. And make sure the titles are snappy: Gutted From the Naval Up Salmon, Bashed in the Yard Turkey, Riot Ready Rutabaga , etc.
3) One word: giveaways. Your audience will increase exponentially when they have a chance to win stuff. Give them stuff they won't be able to find on any other blogs. Like the original tool used by Tim Robbins to escape in Shawshank Redemption. Or an exact replica of a guard's uniform from a prison of their choice. I know people would just die to have their own personal electric chair; but refurbished, so that they could hook it up at home.
Well, good luck to you. And if you happen to blog about evidence that incriminates you and lands you back in the joint, think of it as more blogging material.
You're welcome.
*Syndicated Editor's note: ElissaGator has taken the challenge to answer/give advice freely for the next 30 days. She would have done it for the next 365 days, had the thought of utter failure not demised her attempts. You may ask her any question about herself, or ask for any advice for yourself or in behalf of a loved/hated/neutrally-platonic one.
This is day 7 of 30.
I am starting my own blog, is their any tips you can give me to help achieve ultimate blog domination?
-Blogging Brian
Boogers,
You're just now starting your own blog? You must have recently been released from prison after serving hard time. I know you probably didn't want the world to know you're an ex-con, but I can't be sorry for guessing the right answer either. I take it you'll be blogging about your time in the slammer. I think that will be a fabulous blog (I haven't read too many of those, and I think there is a need). Things you need to do to make your blog the envy of inmates prisons round:
1) A catchy name for you blog. It has to explain what your blog is about while not giving too much away. For example, My Time in Prison reeks of boringness. Try something along the lines of I Was Locked Up With the Cousin of the Guy I Accidentally Gunned Down or My Homie Ratted Me Out to Make a Deal with the DA. Things like that.
2) Figure out what the purpose of your blog is. The few ex-con blogs I do read all blog about the same thing: how horrible prison was. Find a direction that no one has done. I think it would be refreshing to read a blog about the food you had in prison, complete with recipes and photos. And make sure the titles are snappy: Gutted From the Naval Up Salmon, Bashed in the Yard Turkey, Riot Ready Rutabaga , etc.
3) One word: giveaways. Your audience will increase exponentially when they have a chance to win stuff. Give them stuff they won't be able to find on any other blogs. Like the original tool used by Tim Robbins to escape in Shawshank Redemption. Or an exact replica of a guard's uniform from a prison of their choice. I know people would just die to have their own personal electric chair; but refurbished, so that they could hook it up at home.
Well, good luck to you. And if you happen to blog about evidence that incriminates you and lands you back in the joint, think of it as more blogging material.
You're welcome.
*Syndicated Editor's note: ElissaGator has taken the challenge to answer/give advice freely for the next 30 days. She would have done it for the next 365 days, had the thought of utter failure not demised her attempts. You may ask her any question about herself, or ask for any advice for yourself or in behalf of a loved/hated/neutrally-platonic one.
This is day 7 of 30.
Friday, January 21, 2011
As They Say in Soccer: Goal
Dear ElissaGator,
Have you ever tried to keep a resolution, or just a goal in general? I find that it's super hard. Any words of wisdom for me?
-Struggling Stan
Smuggler,
Because I am human (even though I have received letters questioning my homo sapien status), I have struggled before keeping a goal. When I was 5, my parents gave me my first pet. His name was Chia. All I had to do is water his head and green fuzzies would grow. And I did. Every day I would water Chia, anxiously awaking in the morning to see what came from my intensive labor. And I grew to love Chia. I could talk to him, tell him things that no other 5 year old would understand. Like how I constantly had thoughts on world domination. Most other 5 year-olds could only think about dominating the doll house, but not me, my plans were much bigger. And Chia never laughed in my face when I told him my 12 step plan to achieving that goal (I would tell you my 12 step plan, but then you might implement it, and I surely can't have you dominating something I inhabit).
One day, Chia was taken away from me. My mother said he was beginning to rot and needed to be thrown away; but I knew the truth - North Koreans had taken him to see if I had somehow imprinted my plan for world domination on his little green head. Of course, I can't actually prove it, but any responsible smart 5 year old knows when the North Koreans have been around.
So what was my failure in this story? You may think it the fact that I haven't completed world domination. But it's not. Remember, you don't know that one of those 12 steps to dominating the world is to turn 30 (and I may or may not have reached that age, I am not at liberty to tell you). The failure came because I wasn't able to defeat the North Koreans. Moral of the story, if you're going to have a goal, make sure you calculate how the North Koreans might sabotage it, or you'll get screwed like I did.
You're welcome.
*Cynical Editor's note: I'm pretty sure no reads this part anymore, let alone the actual blog posts. Even though I'm getting like a million questions every day from hopeless people like yourself, I know I haven't received one yet from you (I think you know who I'm talking about. Look in a mirror if you're confused). But this isn't for you, it's for me. Because ElissaGator has taken the challenge to answer/give advice freely for the next 30 days. She would have done it for the next 365 days, had the thought of utter failure not demised her attempts. You may ask her any question about herself, or ask for any advice for yourself or in behalf of a loved/hated/neutrally-platonic one.
This is day 6 of 30.
Have you ever tried to keep a resolution, or just a goal in general? I find that it's super hard. Any words of wisdom for me?
-Struggling Stan
Smuggler,
Because I am human (even though I have received letters questioning my homo sapien status), I have struggled before keeping a goal. When I was 5, my parents gave me my first pet. His name was Chia. All I had to do is water his head and green fuzzies would grow. And I did. Every day I would water Chia, anxiously awaking in the morning to see what came from my intensive labor. And I grew to love Chia. I could talk to him, tell him things that no other 5 year old would understand. Like how I constantly had thoughts on world domination. Most other 5 year-olds could only think about dominating the doll house, but not me, my plans were much bigger. And Chia never laughed in my face when I told him my 12 step plan to achieving that goal (I would tell you my 12 step plan, but then you might implement it, and I surely can't have you dominating something I inhabit).
One day, Chia was taken away from me. My mother said he was beginning to rot and needed to be thrown away; but I knew the truth - North Koreans had taken him to see if I had somehow imprinted my plan for world domination on his little green head. Of course, I can't actually prove it, but any responsible smart 5 year old knows when the North Koreans have been around.
So what was my failure in this story? You may think it the fact that I haven't completed world domination. But it's not. Remember, you don't know that one of those 12 steps to dominating the world is to turn 30 (and I may or may not have reached that age, I am not at liberty to tell you). The failure came because I wasn't able to defeat the North Koreans. Moral of the story, if you're going to have a goal, make sure you calculate how the North Koreans might sabotage it, or you'll get screwed like I did.
You're welcome.
*Cynical Editor's note: I'm pretty sure no reads this part anymore, let alone the actual blog posts. Even though I'm getting like a million questions every day from hopeless people like yourself, I know I haven't received one yet from you (I think you know who I'm talking about. Look in a mirror if you're confused). But this isn't for you, it's for me. Because ElissaGator has taken the challenge to answer/give advice freely for the next 30 days. She would have done it for the next 365 days, had the thought of utter failure not demised her attempts. You may ask her any question about herself, or ask for any advice for yourself or in behalf of a loved/hated/neutrally-platonic one.
This is day 6 of 30.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Here Comes the Bride
Dear ElissaGator,
I'm getting married. My fiance is perfect, and I'm perfect, so I want my wedding to be perfect. I know you haven't ever been married before (at least I think not), but because I value your opinion so highly I knew you were the only one who could answer this question: what type of wedding dress should I wear? It has to be unique. It has to sparkle. I want all eyes on me. Any suggestions?
-Eagerly Engaged
En-gagged,
Congrats on nabbing the perfect guy. I hear they're amazing. And no, due to several non-disclosure policies I've signed, I cannot tell you if I've been married before. But I can tell you exactly what you should wear. Just don't light yourself on fire.
You're welcome.
This is day 5 of 30.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
I Wish You'd Be Smart
Dear ElissaGator,
I have a good friend, but she has a bad odor problem. How do I tell her?
-Nose Plugging Nancy
Nosy Nan,
Guess what? I'm pretty sure she wrote into me last week about your acne problem, saying that it disgusted her to look at your face. Did you know that? Now that you do and it's on this national blog do you feel better or worse about yourself? Your friend is going to read this and automatically know that her best friend Nancy hates how she smells; and you just found out how you disgust her, so I guess you two are even. Maybe next time you find a genie in a bottle or run into Oprah you can ask to switch problems. That way you'll be writing in to say that you wasted a perfectly good wish. And what will I tell you then? Well, you haven't written in yet, so I'm not just going to be giving away free advice. Check out my day-after-Thanksgiving-day special. But maybe by then you'll maybe you'll have the problem solved. In my expert opinion (which is expert among experts), I think you'll be writing back in. Can't wait to hear from you.
You're welcome.
*Syndicated Editor's note: ElissaGator has taken the challenge to answer/give advice freely for the next 30 days. She would have done it for the next 365 days, had the thought of utter failure not demised her attempts. You may ask her any question about herself, or ask for any advice for yourself or in behalf of a loved/hated/neutrally-platonic one.
This is day 4 of 30.
I have a good friend, but she has a bad odor problem. How do I tell her?
-Nose Plugging Nancy
Nosy Nan,
Guess what? I'm pretty sure she wrote into me last week about your acne problem, saying that it disgusted her to look at your face. Did you know that? Now that you do and it's on this national blog do you feel better or worse about yourself? Your friend is going to read this and automatically know that her best friend Nancy hates how she smells; and you just found out how you disgust her, so I guess you two are even. Maybe next time you find a genie in a bottle or run into Oprah you can ask to switch problems. That way you'll be writing in to say that you wasted a perfectly good wish. And what will I tell you then? Well, you haven't written in yet, so I'm not just going to be giving away free advice. Check out my day-after-Thanksgiving-day special. But maybe by then you'll maybe you'll have the problem solved. In my expert opinion (which is expert among experts), I think you'll be writing back in. Can't wait to hear from you.
You're welcome.
*Syndicated Editor's note: ElissaGator has taken the challenge to answer/give advice freely for the next 30 days. She would have done it for the next 365 days, had the thought of utter failure not demised her attempts. You may ask her any question about herself, or ask for any advice for yourself or in behalf of a loved/hated/neutrally-platonic one.
This is day 4 of 30.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Star Crossed Failures
Dear ElissaGator,
I find it odd and strange and out right disgusting that our culture is obsessed with celebrities. Why is that? How can I help my fellow Americans to get un-obsessed? -Star Stupefied Sally
Sad Sally,
What exactly is a celebrity? A celebrity can be defined by one or more of these symptoms:
1) Is constantly getting camera time because they are going into rehab.
2) Is constantly getting camera time because they are leaving rehab.
3) Is constantly getting camera time because they are going back into rehab.
4) Makes the nightly news for leaving obscene voice mail messages.
5) Makes the nightly news for having obscene parties in hotel rooms.
6) Songs on their platinum album are true stories about every boy they've ever known.
7) Songs that they perform are overlooked by the fact that they're wearing rotting meat as a dress.
8) Has ever been on Letterman or Leno
9) Has ever been on Oprah (or given their own show because of multiple appearances on Oprah. Check out Oprah's new network "OWN" now!")
10) Adopts 5 children from 5 different countries with a photo shoot of each adoption appearing in the all major magazines.
11) Adopts radical causes as their own when their summer movie flopped
11) Is an advice columnist for a well-known blog that pictures an alligator at the top.
It appears to me that you are obsessed with celebrities (see item #11). Please don't be hypocritical. No one likes a hypocrite.
You're welcome.
Dear ElissaGator,
I really like this girl, in fact you could say we're dating, but we live far apart, so it makes it hard to have a meaningful relationship. When we do try to get together, her father sometimes foils our plans. How do I make this long-distance relationship work? T. Renton
Tragically You,
Meaningful relationship? Do you think anyone really has a "meaningful relationship?" I certainly don't. Does that mean I cry myself to sleep every night and eat Ben and Jerry's Oatmeal Chocolate Chunk by the pint? Do you think I write poems that sound like they're written by an emo teenager who just found out Willy Shakespeare isn't actually living? Have I ever gone to the park in the spring just to throw rotting eggs at the faces of lovers sucking on each other? Would I ever clandestinely sneak into a florist's on Feb. 13 and spray paint all the roses black, poke the eyes out of every cutesy-chubby teddy bear and replace boxes of chocolate with laxative laced marzipan bites?
No. Because I am better than that. I am a strong, confident woman who keeps the key to my heart on my key chain so I can keep it safe and secure in my purse. I pity those who frolic in flirtatious flamenco fun with a significant other, because they don't have the time to enjoy every Harlequinromance piece of literature ever written. It makes me sad that people are dumb enough to want to spend every waking second with another person; I learned long ago that spending every waking second with myself was plenty hard. So brownie points to the father for Reynold's Foil Wrapping your plans. You'll thank him one day. The day after you thank me.
You're welcome.
*Syndicated Editor's note: ElissaGator has taken the challenge to answer/give advice freely for the next 30 days. She would have done it for the next 365 days, had the thought of utter failure not demised her attempts. You may ask her any question about herself, or ask for any advice for yourself or in behalf of a loved/hated/neutrally-platonic one.
This is day 3 of 30.
I find it odd and strange and out right disgusting that our culture is obsessed with celebrities. Why is that? How can I help my fellow Americans to get un-obsessed? -Star Stupefied Sally
Sad Sally,
What exactly is a celebrity? A celebrity can be defined by one or more of these symptoms:
1) Is constantly getting camera time because they are going into rehab.
2) Is constantly getting camera time because they are leaving rehab.
3) Is constantly getting camera time because they are going back into rehab.
4) Makes the nightly news for leaving obscene voice mail messages.
5) Makes the nightly news for having obscene parties in hotel rooms.
6) Songs on their platinum album are true stories about every boy they've ever known.
7) Songs that they perform are overlooked by the fact that they're wearing rotting meat as a dress.
8) Has ever been on Letterman or Leno
9) Has ever been on Oprah (or given their own show because of multiple appearances on Oprah. Check out Oprah's new network "OWN" now!")
10) Adopts 5 children from 5 different countries with a photo shoot of each adoption appearing in the all major magazines.
11) Adopts radical causes as their own when their summer movie flopped
11) Is an advice columnist for a well-known blog that pictures an alligator at the top.
It appears to me that you are obsessed with celebrities (see item #11). Please don't be hypocritical. No one likes a hypocrite.
You're welcome.
Dear ElissaGator,
I really like this girl, in fact you could say we're dating, but we live far apart, so it makes it hard to have a meaningful relationship. When we do try to get together, her father sometimes foils our plans. How do I make this long-distance relationship work? T. Renton
Tragically You,
Meaningful relationship? Do you think anyone really has a "meaningful relationship?" I certainly don't. Does that mean I cry myself to sleep every night and eat Ben and Jerry's Oatmeal Chocolate Chunk by the pint? Do you think I write poems that sound like they're written by an emo teenager who just found out Willy Shakespeare isn't actually living? Have I ever gone to the park in the spring just to throw rotting eggs at the faces of lovers sucking on each other? Would I ever clandestinely sneak into a florist's on Feb. 13 and spray paint all the roses black, poke the eyes out of every cutesy-chubby teddy bear and replace boxes of chocolate with laxative laced marzipan bites?
No. Because I am better than that. I am a strong, confident woman who keeps the key to my heart on my key chain so I can keep it safe and secure in my purse. I pity those who frolic in flirtatious flamenco fun with a significant other, because they don't have the time to enjoy every Harlequin
You're welcome.
*Syndicated Editor's note: ElissaGator has taken the challenge to answer/give advice freely for the next 30 days. She would have done it for the next 365 days, had the thought of utter failure not demised her attempts. You may ask her any question about herself, or ask for any advice for yourself or in behalf of a loved/hated/neutrally-platonic one.
This is day 3 of 30.
Monday, January 17, 2011
The Lover and I
Dear Elissagator,
I have been happily married for two years now. Before we were married, my husband and I went on the most exciting dates. Ice climbing during a blizzard, snorkeling in shark and chum infested waters, driving the opposite direction on an LA freeway, etc. But now, we don't do any of that. We're boring. We want that adrenaline rush, but now that we don't have to prove our daredevil flair for each other, we just don't do it. Any suggestions? -Lazy Lacy
Lamesauce,
Have a baby.
You're welcome.
Dear Elissagator,
I am in high school and have to read all these "classic literature books." I hate them. Everyone in my class hates them. My siblings hated them when they were forced to read them. My parents won't tell me this, but I'm pretty sure they didn't even read them. So, what's the point? -Scratching my head Scott
Lice Head,
First, get something to get rid of the lice so your head will stop itching. No one likes advicees with lice. But for your main question. Have you ever read any nursery rhymes? I've read a few in my day. Just yesterday I was pondering the one titled "Hey Diddle Diddle." I have come to a conclusion that this poem must have been a cry for help, but I don't think anyone heard. I have heard, but I think it's too late.
1) Who is Diddle Diddle? It rhymes with Tom Riddle, who we know became He-who-must-not-be-named, so it must have been his brother. This indicates that this rhyme is for a non-muggle audience.
2) The Cat and the fiddle. Interestingly enough, fiddle strings are sometimes made from cat guts. So all those pictures with a cat playing a fiddle are wrong. I think there was mistake in the translation, it should read "the cat in the fiddle.
3) Cow jumping over the moon. I dare say this must be some sort of drug reference, though because I don't do drugs, I wouldn't be able to tell you the exact drug it was referring too. My best guess would be to that of a pure supply of heroine, also known as "china white," because the moon is white, and so is part of the cow. Sad, we never do know if the cow actually made it over the moon. I wouldn't be surprised if 20 years from now during a deep space exploration, astronauts find a floating cow in space (not to be confused with Pigs in Space).
4) I'm sure the little dog did laugh to see such a sight. Remember, he was high on heroine. This is also probably a reference to Tom and Diddle's other brother, who must have been an animagus (able to change himself into a little dog). Evidence would then suggest that this brother was a distant relative to Sirius Black, who could change into a big dog. There must have been some canis running through the family genetics (not to be confused with cannabis, although that was probably the little dog's gateway drug into doing heroine). No, I do not know the effect that "China White" has on the wizzarding community. I don't believe Miss Rowling has yet released "Harry Potter gets the Sorcerer Stoned."
5) Why did the dish run away with the spoon? Was the fork too plain? Too old? Were the spoon's concave curves more appealing than the fork's fjord's? But more importantly, where did they run to? Inside sources tell me they went to China, where all "fine China" is made, "fine" being a synonym for "China White." In simple terms, they ran off to get high.
Moral of this nursery rhyme, Scott: don't get high; and if you're going to become an animagus, don't choose a cat, because you might get strung out (not a drug reference).
You're welcome.
*Syndicated Editor's note: ElissaGator has taken the challenge to answer/give advice freely for the next 30 days. She would have done it for the next 365 days, had the thought of utter failure not demised her attempts. You may ask her any question about herself, or ask for any advice for yourself or in behalf of a loved/hated/neutrally-platonic one.
This is day 2 of 30.
I have been happily married for two years now. Before we were married, my husband and I went on the most exciting dates. Ice climbing during a blizzard, snorkeling in shark and chum infested waters, driving the opposite direction on an LA freeway, etc. But now, we don't do any of that. We're boring. We want that adrenaline rush, but now that we don't have to prove our daredevil flair for each other, we just don't do it. Any suggestions? -Lazy Lacy
Lamesauce,
Have a baby.
You're welcome.
Dear Elissagator,
I am in high school and have to read all these "classic literature books." I hate them. Everyone in my class hates them. My siblings hated them when they were forced to read them. My parents won't tell me this, but I'm pretty sure they didn't even read them. So, what's the point? -Scratching my head Scott
Lice Head,
First, get something to get rid of the lice so your head will stop itching. No one likes advicees with lice. But for your main question. Have you ever read any nursery rhymes? I've read a few in my day. Just yesterday I was pondering the one titled "Hey Diddle Diddle." I have come to a conclusion that this poem must have been a cry for help, but I don't think anyone heard. I have heard, but I think it's too late.
1) Who is Diddle Diddle? It rhymes with Tom Riddle, who we know became He-who-must-not-be-named, so it must have been his brother. This indicates that this rhyme is for a non-muggle audience.
2) The Cat and the fiddle. Interestingly enough, fiddle strings are sometimes made from cat guts. So all those pictures with a cat playing a fiddle are wrong. I think there was mistake in the translation, it should read "the cat in the fiddle.
3) Cow jumping over the moon. I dare say this must be some sort of drug reference, though because I don't do drugs, I wouldn't be able to tell you the exact drug it was referring too. My best guess would be to that of a pure supply of heroine, also known as "china white," because the moon is white, and so is part of the cow. Sad, we never do know if the cow actually made it over the moon. I wouldn't be surprised if 20 years from now during a deep space exploration, astronauts find a floating cow in space (not to be confused with Pigs in Space).
4) I'm sure the little dog did laugh to see such a sight. Remember, he was high on heroine. This is also probably a reference to Tom and Diddle's other brother, who must have been an animagus (able to change himself into a little dog). Evidence would then suggest that this brother was a distant relative to Sirius Black, who could change into a big dog. There must have been some canis running through the family genetics (not to be confused with cannabis, although that was probably the little dog's gateway drug into doing heroine). No, I do not know the effect that "China White" has on the wizzarding community. I don't believe Miss Rowling has yet released "Harry Potter gets the Sorcerer Stoned."
5) Why did the dish run away with the spoon? Was the fork too plain? Too old? Were the spoon's concave curves more appealing than the fork's fjord's? But more importantly, where did they run to? Inside sources tell me they went to China, where all "fine China" is made, "fine" being a synonym for "China White." In simple terms, they ran off to get high.
Moral of this nursery rhyme, Scott: don't get high; and if you're going to become an animagus, don't choose a cat, because you might get strung out (not a drug reference).
You're welcome.
*Syndicated Editor's note: ElissaGator has taken the challenge to answer/give advice freely for the next 30 days. She would have done it for the next 365 days, had the thought of utter failure not demised her attempts. You may ask her any question about herself, or ask for any advice for yourself or in behalf of a loved/hated/neutrally-platonic one.
This is day 2 of 30.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
After a long Hiatus, She's Baaaaack
Dear Elissagator,
You have not given any advice in a really long time. What is up with that? Do you feel incompetent in your advice giving skills? Or did you suffer a serious injury?
-Curious Cathy
Chatty Cathy,
You know, for this being an advice column and people writing in for the general purpose of getting advice, you sure don't know how to play this game. Your questions lack personal and moral dilemmas and in fact are almost a waste of my time answering them, if it weren't for the fact that I am a slave to my readers and so I must answer you.
To answer your questions, in order given:
1) What is up with that? None of your damn business.
2) Do you feel incompetent in your advice giving skills? Of course not. At times I may have felt incontinent (in regards to thoughts that form into spoken words from my mouth, not to be confused with bladder incontinence), but never incompetent. In fact, sometimes I feel so competent that I don't give advice, fearing that the over competenceness of it may result in incompetents. Two negatives make a positive. (But only three lefts make a right).
3) Or did you suffer a serious injury? If you call graduating from college to move home with the parental units and not being able to find a job a serious injury, then no, I have not suffered a serious injury. However, if you are of the mindset that numb feet caused by sitting on the john for too long after a particular bad bout of diarrhea would be considered a serious injury, then no, I have not suffered that either. I guess I have not suffered any serious injuries. Except the daily encounters with abnormally stupid people. Then yes, I would conclude that to be a repeating serious injury offender, to which my state of mind is on the verge of leaving the union.
You're welcome.
*Syndicated Editor's note: ElissaGator has taken the challenge to answer/give advice freely for the next 30 days. She would have done it for the next 365 days, had the thought of utter failure not demised her attempts. You may ask her any question about herself, or ask for any advice for yourself or in behalf of a loved/hated/neutrally-platonic one.
This is day 1 of 30.
You have not given any advice in a really long time. What is up with that? Do you feel incompetent in your advice giving skills? Or did you suffer a serious injury?
-Curious Cathy
Chatty Cathy,
You know, for this being an advice column and people writing in for the general purpose of getting advice, you sure don't know how to play this game. Your questions lack personal and moral dilemmas and in fact are almost a waste of my time answering them, if it weren't for the fact that I am a slave to my readers and so I must answer you.
To answer your questions, in order given:
1) What is up with that? None of your damn business.
2) Do you feel incompetent in your advice giving skills? Of course not. At times I may have felt incontinent (in regards to thoughts that form into spoken words from my mouth, not to be confused with bladder incontinence), but never incompetent. In fact, sometimes I feel so competent that I don't give advice, fearing that the over competenceness of it may result in incompetents. Two negatives make a positive. (But only three lefts make a right).
3) Or did you suffer a serious injury? If you call graduating from college to move home with the parental units and not being able to find a job a serious injury, then no, I have not suffered a serious injury. However, if you are of the mindset that numb feet caused by sitting on the john for too long after a particular bad bout of diarrhea would be considered a serious injury, then no, I have not suffered that either. I guess I have not suffered any serious injuries. Except the daily encounters with abnormally stupid people. Then yes, I would conclude that to be a repeating serious injury offender, to which my state of mind is on the verge of leaving the union.
You're welcome.
*Syndicated Editor's note: ElissaGator has taken the challenge to answer/give advice freely for the next 30 days. She would have done it for the next 365 days, had the thought of utter failure not demised her attempts. You may ask her any question about herself, or ask for any advice for yourself or in behalf of a loved/hated/neutrally-platonic one.
This is day 1 of 30.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
My Big A House
First off, to clear things up, the "A" in "Big A House," stands for "amazing." I just didn't feel like a really long title.
Second off, this is the house I live in. (Yes, this one that looks like it swallowed three giant houses).
Third off, this is obviously not the house I live in, but will hopefully someday. Maybe not this one. Mine will most likely be larger and grander. (I'm thinking big and spacious building here. How cool would it be if it actually floated? Then you could fly your house anywhere).
Fourth off, is this considered coveting?
Second off, this is the house I live in. (Yes, this one that looks like it swallowed three giant houses).
Third off, this is obviously not the house I live in, but will hopefully someday. Maybe not this one. Mine will most likely be larger and grander. (I'm thinking big and spacious building here. How cool would it be if it actually floated? Then you could fly your house anywhere).
Fourth off, is this considered coveting?
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