I have been happily married for two years now. Before we were married, my husband and I went on the most exciting dates. Ice climbing during a blizzard, snorkeling in shark and chum infested waters, driving the opposite direction on an LA freeway, etc. But now, we don't do any of that. We're boring. We want that adrenaline rush, but now that we don't have to prove our daredevil flair for each other, we just don't do it. Any suggestions? -Lazy Lacy
Lamesauce,
Have a baby.
You're welcome.
Dear Elissagator,
I am in high school and have to read all these "classic literature books." I hate them. Everyone in my class hates them. My siblings hated them when they were forced to read them. My parents won't tell me this, but I'm pretty sure they didn't even read them. So, what's the point? -Scratching my head Scott
Lice Head,
First, get something to get rid of the lice so your head will stop itching. No one likes advicees with lice. But for your main question. Have you ever read any nursery rhymes? I've read a few in my day. Just yesterday I was pondering the one titled "Hey Diddle Diddle." I have come to a conclusion that this poem must have been a cry for help, but I don't think anyone heard. I have heard, but I think it's too late.
1) Who is Diddle Diddle? It rhymes with Tom Riddle, who we know became He-who-must-not-be-named, so it must have been his brother. This indicates that this rhyme is for a non-muggle audience.
2) The Cat and the fiddle. Interestingly enough, fiddle strings are sometimes made from cat guts. So all those pictures with a cat playing a fiddle are wrong. I think there was mistake in the translation, it should read "the cat in the fiddle.
3) Cow jumping over the moon. I dare say this must be some sort of drug reference, though because I don't do drugs, I wouldn't be able to tell you the exact drug it was referring too. My best guess would be to that of a pure supply of heroine, also known as "china white," because the moon is white, and so is part of the cow. Sad, we never do know if the cow actually made it over the moon. I wouldn't be surprised if 20 years from now during a deep space exploration, astronauts find a floating cow in space (not to be confused with Pigs in Space).
4) I'm sure the little dog did laugh to see such a sight. Remember, he was high on heroine. This is also probably a reference to Tom and Diddle's other brother, who must have been an animagus (able to change himself into a little dog). Evidence would then suggest that this brother was a distant relative to Sirius Black, who could change into a big dog. There must have been some canis running through the family genetics (not to be confused with cannabis, although that was probably the little dog's gateway drug into doing heroine). No, I do not know the effect that "China White" has on the wizzarding community. I don't believe Miss Rowling has yet released "Harry Potter gets the Sorcerer Stoned."
5) Why did the dish run away with the spoon? Was the fork too plain? Too old? Were the spoon's concave curves more appealing than the fork's fjord's? But more importantly, where did they run to? Inside sources tell me they went to China, where all "fine China" is made, "fine" being a synonym for "China White." In simple terms, they ran off to get high.
Moral of this nursery rhyme, Scott: don't get high; and if you're going to become an animagus, don't choose a cat, because you might get strung out (not a drug reference).
You're welcome.
*Syndicated Editor's note: ElissaGator has taken the challenge to answer/give advice freely for the next 30 days. She would have done it for the next 365 days, had the thought of utter failure not demised her attempts. You may ask her any question about herself, or ask for any advice for yourself or in behalf of a loved/hated/neutrally-platonic one.
This is day 2 of 30.
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