Sunday, October 28, 2012

This Post May Be Boring

I made it to Alaska.

In case you were wondering, it's cold and dark.

And I'm lonely.

Maybe this should be my eharmony profile. I'm sure the over protective/jealous/chester molester creeps would come slimeing through the wood works.

I moved into the home of the Maynes', basically my adoptive family up here. He's the first counselor in the single's branch and him and his wife and family are just the greatest. They recently became empty nesters, so I made sure to remedy that situation by moving in.

Unfortunately, Deb's mother passed away in Georgia this past Wednesday, so her and Doug flew down there and will be getting back this coming Wednesday.

They have two dogs, Otter (a chocolate lab) and Ali (a black lab mix), and have so far been my only companions. Right now they're fighting...now they've made up and Ali is sniffing Otter's butt.

The Maynes' home is in the hills of Fairbanks, and has a beautiful view of the valley. One day I'll take a picture. Until then, just pretend how you'd draw "Fairbanks valley in the winter" for Draw Something, and it will give you a fairly close idea.

So it's somewhat isolated, which is nice, but also a little scary. Especially being here all by myself. That's why I take the Dall sheep head that Doug has mounted on the wall to bed with me every night. It in no way shape or form causes disturbing shadows.

I'm sure you're all dying to know how my job is going.

I flew in Wednesday at 11 p.m., and started my first day on the job Thursday at 3 p.m. I figured I might as well follow Will Smith and get jiggy with it. Which, by the way, does anyone get jiggy with it anymore?

Tangent: Because I'm writing this in real time, because I have yet to master fake time writing, I'll tell you that I've been keeping updated on the potential tsunami in Hawaii. Last time there was a potentially huge tsunami in Hawaii I fell asleep watching the television coverage. Looks like they were spared again.

Back to the topic at hand.

I wake up, let the dogs out, eat something, and think about being productive as I mindlessly check Facebook (it is imperative to my mental health to know just how many people liked my status). Then I get ready for the day, take the dogs for a walk, come back and check Facebook again, find something else to eat, count the fibers in the carpet, make a lunch, and go to work.

I work as a copy editor/page designer for the Fairbanks Daily News Miner. I have a desk facing other desks (picture "The Office) with a computer, on the second floor of a building with few windows. I work 4:30 p.m. to 12:30 a.m. There are only about 7 of us there during that time, and because everyone is concentrating on their work, it is very quiet. The only noise comes from the police scanner, which most of the time doesn't come in clearly so it sounds like aliens gurgling mouthwash. I think Van Gogh had the same thing in his studio, and I now know why he chapped his ear off.

Everyone has been very nice and polite to me and no one has yet to question my sanity. We'll see how long that takes.

I open pre-formatted templates and insert news stories accordingly. Sometimes I'll place a picture. Then I make sure all the lines are straight and the i's are dotted and I print it. Two other copy editors look over it; I make corrections to errors they've found and then I start work on the next page. While I'm working on my pages, I'll stop to proof pages from the other editors, because every page gets edited twice.

Towards the end of the night I'll upload stories to the website. Then, once my pages are sent to the press, I sit around until 12:30 or the first paper comes off the press (we then do a quick glance over to make sure there are no huge errors), whatever comes first, and then I go home.  

So besides having to remember 109 different style idiosyncrasies, it's fairly simple and straight forward.

And this brings us to the thesis of this post (I've never been one for nutshell versions).

I'm bored.

And I hate myself for it. Millions of people world over do mind numbing work day in and day out and are content with their lives. They're content that they are able to bring home a paycheck and feed themselves and their families and pay the bills. This is the definition of adulthood. And I can't or won't accept it.

Obviously, I'm probably just an ungrateful brat that needs to embrace the monotony of life.

Coming home from work tonight I was thinking about all of this. What would a life without boredom look like?

Things that would not be boring:
1. Getting kidnapped.
However, this would be terrifying. And you'd miss out on the media coverage, and who wants to miss their own 15 minutes in fame?

2. Epic Disaster.
Also terrifying. And I don't relish the thought of some cannibal wanting to eat me (my Uncle was watching the movie The Road the other night).

3. Running for President.
Purely insane. Would shave 26+ years off your life. On the plus side, you could make the Secret Service play hide and go seek with you in the White House.

4. Doing drugs.
I'd do this, but I completed the DARE program in 5th grade, so I just say no to that option.

5. Being a dog with ADHD.
I think this describes Otter. He always seems so happy.

6. Having short term memory loss.
Also may describe Otter. Only problem with this is what if you were having a a not boring time and then forgot about it? The only remedy would be to date Adam Sandler.

And so, as we can see, there doesn't seem to be too many great options.

That's why I decided to eat an ice cream cone and check Facebook. Because telling your friends about your calorie intake via dairy products is definitely un-boring.

Monday, October 8, 2012

I'm With Child/s!

Many of my friends have kids, have a singular kid, have just been through labor to have a kid, or ripening with pregnant bellies.

Alas, I cannot fit any of those descriptions at this time. Okay, sometimes it does appear that I'm ripening to moldy fruit stage when I'm unmotivated to shower, but that's about it.

No, I'm not complaining. Sure, sometimes I feel like my eggs can be categorized under "fine wine," but it's not like I'm going to rob a sperm bank.

Let's just pretend I didn't type that last thought.

I'm the oldest of 6 kids, so I always felt like I was the second mother. Heck, I was babysitting by the age of 5. Oh, I know that probably shocks some of you, because apparently most people think it's highly illegal if not outright bad-parent-of-the-year worthy.

But you have to understand. Anytime my mom or dad would leave the room with both my sister and I in it, I would consider it babysitting. Had I been able to get my hands on a taxi meter, I probably would have started charging my parents, but there is that obnoxiously great quality of saintliness that I do tend to possess -- so I chalked it up to charity work.

I did a lot of charity work as a child.

But I digress. I wanted to dedicate a post to the things in my life that I treat as my babies, so I can feel included in the mommy and daddy club (obviously I haven't reached Platinum Umbilical Cord Member status).

Baby #1 -- My Nails (totes sounds like a card from Apples to Apples, doesn't it?)
Lately I've given birth to an obsession with finger nail polish, specifically on my fingers. I decided clothes can shrink or you can become too fat for them, but finger nail polish lasts forever. Like diamonds. So technically, diamond finger nail polish would last forever ever, but not in the Taylor Swift ever ever sort of way.

I've purchased lots of new colors to feed my growing habit. It's progression is incredible. The great thing about it is when it's really annoying me, I just take a cotton swab of acetone to it. I don't recommend taking a cotton swab of acetone to real babies. Cotton swabs of breast milk are adequate.

Baby #2 -- Reading Books
People say there is something special about cradling a new baby. Babies even have this "baby smell;" somewhat like a new car smell, although I have yet to see a tree shaped air freshener featuring the new baby scent. Well, holding a book close to your bosom can also be special. And books also have their own great smell, unless they're e-readers, then it just smells like China.

What I'm trying to say is -- there's that moment when you look down on a page of text, getting lost in a world of magic and mystery; and you know, without the cooing noises, that this book loves you back. Until it becomes 5 weeks overdue, and then you want to treat it like a redheaded step child. Which I slightly take offense to.

Side note: just finished reading Brandon Sanderson's The Way of Kings. Uber long, but uber amazing.

Baby #3 -- Television Shows on Netflix
Let's be honest, the movie selection on Netflix leaves something to be desired. But what Netflix is great at is having this insane collection of television shows. So many different choices to get addicted to, so little time. It's exactly like these high tech baby monitors where you can watch your baby as he slumbers. Except for these shows are way more exciting and plot driven than the monotonous in and out breathes that a baby takes during sleepy sleepy time. Oh, excuse me. I forgot to mention the occasional drool.

I spend just as much time, if not more, watching shows on Netflix than a parent does watching their baby on a monitor. Whose a better parent now?

Additional side note: just finished Sherlock on Netflix. Big fan.

Baby #4 -- My Bed (another great Apples to Apples card)
Go on any parenting website and you'll find hundreds of forums and advice/debate about getting babies to sleep. You would think that babies never sleep the way everyone goes on and on. But my bed, my Baby #4, it does just the opposite. It puts me to sleep. And I slumber so nicely. What new parents and I do have in common is that horrible separation anxiety thing. Seriously, each time I have to leave my bed, I just want to throw a fit.

You know, writing this makes me feel so much better about life. I may not have my own bundles of joy, but I  have four of my own unique beautiful babies that I get to enjoy. I'm even considering throwing myself a shower and registering at Amazon. Maybe you'll be lucky enough to get an invite.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Joe and Wife

I have a math word problem for you:

Joe and his wife are retired and decided to go on a fabulous trip to Alaska. Because they are retired they're a little closer to relocating to the cemetery than most of us, but they have years of wisdom behind them. Joe and his wife attend a popular tourist attraction in Fairbanks, Alaska, where they are dropped off by a 45 ft. motor coach.

There are 21 other large motor coaches in the vicinity. All of them either coming or going. If Joe and his wife walk directly in front of a motor coach without bothering to
a) look to see if the coach is about to move
b) look to see if there's a driver frustrated that dumb tourists won't move out of her way or
c) notice that they are, in fact, in front of a 46,000 pound metal beast; how long will it take before Joe and his wife relocate their retirement home to the cemetery?

 There are actually 3 possible answers for this question (I didn't say this was normal math).
1) Joe and his wife will not die because the bus will hit Marge and her husband who are closer to the front of the bus than Joe and his wife.

2) Joe will die, but not by being hit by the bus, because the bus driver is responsible and courteous and doesn't feel like having a death on her hands. Joe will die because he ate too much salmon at the Salmon Bake the night before.

3) Joe will almost die, but be saved by the cushioning of his billowing nose hairs. His wife will almost die, but the motor coach will be stopped by the absurd amounts of souvenirs that say "Alaska" (but were made in China).

Thank you, Joe and wife.


Monday, October 1, 2012

Someone hired me!

Remember this gem that I wrote? Well, apparently it got me a job. Or someone bribed them to get me a job. Or they felt pity for a California girl deciding to stay for an Alaskan winter.

What happened is they called me up, had a nice little phone interview, then asked me to come in for a real person interview, then told me I had to take an editing test.

An editing test?

It's been 2.5 years since I graduated college. I haven't exactly been writing analytical essays on middle century prose. And I'm a frequent visitor of facebook, and we all know how bad grammar on facebook is (or you're a repeat offender and have no idea -- sorry to burst your bubble).

The first page had 50 words on it and I had to circle the misspelled words. People, that is what the automatic red squiggly line is for when you're typing anything. And it didn't have words like "dawg" or "kat" either. We're talking words like "chauffeur" and "nonchalant" and "graffiti" and "ptarmigan." Okay, not ptarmigan (which, by the way is Alaska's state bird and is pronounced without the p).

Next page had 15 sentences and I had to choose which word was the most correct. As in "Jenny's neighbor had a great (affect/effect) on her."

You feeling my pain?

The third page had more sentences, but this time I had to edit them completely -- spelling, grammar, word choice, AP style, and then translate back into Latin. I skipped that page to come back to until the very end.

Fourth page's title was "General Knowledge." I'm going to type up as much as I remember. Let's see how well you do. I'm going to type my answer first, and the real answer I'm going to type in white so you'll have to highlight the text to see the correct answer. It's kind of like monopoly without any of the fake money!

List the capitols of these states:
California -- Sacramento  Sacramento
New York -- Rochester  Albany
Washington -- Seattle  Olympia
Oregon -- Portland  Salem
Florida -- Tallahassee Tallahassee
Alaska -- Juneau Juneau

Name these people and their political party (I'm just going to out right assume you don't know the first three, because I sure as heck didn't, so I'll just type the correct answer)

Alaska's Governor: Sean Parnell
Alaska's Senators: Lisa Murkowski and Mark Begich
Alaska's Congressman: Dong Young (yeah, they only have one).

United State's Speaker of the House: John Boehner Repulican
Secretary of State: Hillary Clinton Democrat

Then there was a list of notable/famous people that I had to explain why they were notable/famous. There were only three names that I didn't know, so I don't remember them. Others that I did know (or at least think I did): George Lucas, Steve Jobs, 'DWTS', Lance Mackey, John Boehner, Vladimir Putin, Hugo Chavez.

The last part of the general knowledge section was my favorite. It was a math section. We're just going to say I wasn't able to fill in all the blanks, but I am pretty proud of the blanks I did fill in.

Final and last part of this whole boondoggle was I was given these "notes" and told to write a news story. Fairly simple. Probably not my best, but at least I didn't put any made up facts in there (which I was for sure tempted to).

I had 1.5 hours to complete all of this. To be a copy editor they want you to get a score above 75%. I'm telling you right now, the odds are very slim that I got close to that.

Later that day, they called me back, offering me a job. I said I'd think about it, because that's what you do with a grown up job. Unfortunately, I think I already gave away the ending of this story, because the next day I did accept.

Major downside of this job: I'll be working 4:30 p.m. to 12:30 a.m. five days a week. Toodles to the social life. Sigh. At least I am a night owl. And when I leave work there will be no traffic and I'll get the chance to see the northern lights all the time.

I won't start for another 3 weeks, because I'm currently on vacation. More about vacation after I've sipped my pina colada...