Move Over Edison (in your grave!)

I was at my friend's house and she introduced me to this show she's obsessed with. It's called "Shark Tank" and it's about people with random inventions or business ideas pitching to uber rich entrepreneurs. The inventors need funds to mainstream their products and the rich people are always looking for new ways to make money. The rich peeps might offer them money in exchange for shares in their companies.
 
It's an interesting show, if nothing else to see what people come up with. This one lady came up with the "show no" which is a poncho towel that covers you up so you change from your swimsuit into your clothes on the pool deck. In other words, it's a slit in a beach towel.

But, she got like $40,000 from one of the "sharks" in exchange for 25% share. Crazy stupid, right?

So I thought, man I need to think of some ingenious idea that will get me mad capital and make my bank account look more like thousands of fish in an aquarium and less like a dying goldfish in a teacup. Doesn't everyone liken their bank accounts to fish?

And I came up with an idea. I'm going to share it with you because I trust my blog readers and random strangers and spammers from the internet. To explain my ingenuity, I'm going to do it in true late-night-TV-infomercial style.

Black and white scene of frazzled-over-weight-frumpy woman tip-toeing between shoes, toys, general crap, and a couple of cats.

NARRATOR: "Are you tired of tripping over your son's soccer cleats? Have you dislocated your your kneecaps one too many times from colliding with the stray cat your daughter brought home from day care?"  (Sound effect: cat screeching)

Frazzled woman with casts on her kneecaps looks up and nods. 

NARRATOR: "And I bet you've tried all those other silly organizational devices found at your local Bed Bath and Beyond."

Frazzled woman nods more earnestly. In the background, husband stubs toe on one eyed doll lying on floor. This leads him to lean forward and be impaled by toy light saber. Blood spews everywhere. 

NARRATOR:  "I thought so! You need the latest and greatest clutter-gutter out there: Magnetic Ceiling! Instead of having to constantly be picking up and putting things away, just throw them away. No, not into the trash, but onto the ceiling! Our exclusive patented design covers your entire ceiling with a magnetic shield. (Show burly ex-cons bolting metal sheet to ceiling. Have one put a light fixture in his pocket). We then supply you with powerful adhesive magnetic strips that you attach to anything that is tripping you up.

Scene now in color, woman still looks frazzled, but happy as she applies black magnetic strips onto a pair of red high heels. 

NARRATOR: Then, take the magnetized piece of crap and throw it to the ceiling. The patented designed Magnetic Ceiling instantly bonds to the item, keeping it out of and above your hair!"

Frazzled woman starts throwing books, jewelery, blocks, dirty laundry, empty pizza box, and stray cat into the air (cat screeches again). 

NARRATOR: Wow! You sure do clean up nice! It's like you've doubled your square footage! And that's good news in the real estate market!

Frazzled woman no longer frazzled. In a sparkly flash she changes to a super model wearing a cocktail dress, stilettos and pearls.  

NARRATOR: And don't forget, Magnetic Ceiling adhesive strips also work on humans. If your bratty kid is destroying your house, apply the adhesive strips and throw him up! Kids love gaining a different perspective!

Bratty kid smiling and waving down to mom down below. Mom winks back at him. 

NARRATOR: This amazing, one of a kind product is doing a limited edition run before Homeland Security denies it further development based on undisclosed uranium content. So, call now and order your Magnetic Ceiling today! Be the envy of your neighbors and hoarders everywhere!

Super model mom starts dialing on phone. 

NARRATOR: But wait, there's more! If you call now, we'll throw in Outdoor Magnetic Ceiling... FOR FREE!!! Used like an easy-up, you'll no longer have to worry about finding the nearest trash can while in Jellystone park. Just attach the strip and throw! (*NOT RECOMMENDED FOR USE DURING LIGHTNING STORMS).

Screen shows super model mom talking on the phone, shrinks into a box in the corner of the screen while the rest of the screen goes blue to show phone number, price and website. 

SPEED TALKING NARRATOR AT END OF INFOMERCIALS: Not for purchase in the District of Columbia or certain counties of Idaho. Do not use any electronic devices in same room as Magnetic Ceiling. May cause birth defects and symptoms of the Black Plague. All legal matters will be handled in the country of Luxembourg pursuant to the safety codes of the Screen Actors Guild (SAG) union. No refunds or exchanges, except if you're relatives to Krying Karl of the Russian Mafia.

Blue screen disappears and we see the super model mom waving at us, while a piece of cheese from the old pizza box drops off the ceiling and onto the impaled dad.

AND...SCENE.

Morbid Cleaning

If you didn't know I came up with strange things before, you will now.

 Morbid Cleaning

Otis was defrosting the refrigerator, but unlike a normal person who gets ice chests to keep the misplaced items cool, Otis was using the mortuary’s coffins. It’s not like his uncle was going to be desperately searching for it. In the whole history of the mortuary, no one came running in, out of breath, and in short gasps of breathes said “I need (gasp) a coff (gasp) in (gasp) stat (gasp).” Although, if dying people were more considerate they would help out the living by plopping themselves into their eternal boxes before someone else had to do it. He should propose this to his uncle. Maybe he'd design a neon star-burst catchy sign that said "Fifteen percent off total bill if you participate in our 'self-help' program!"

The coffins made for great food containers. They were large, insulated and had a lid to trap the cool air. Actually, coffins really were non-electric refrigerators when Otis thought about it. He doubted people showcased children's art with business card magnets on top of coffins, but maybe that was niche he could cash in on. His mother would have freaked out if she saw what he was doing, but he figured that as long as he didn’t spill ketchup on the light blue padded satin interior, there was no reason to panic. Then again, what if he did spill ketchup? He doubted the next occupant would mind very much. 

The cat, Mr. Reaper, would sometimes try to hide in one of the plush corners for a snooze, but Otis would quickly shoo it out. He didn't want cat hair accidentally getting in the jello salad. Or to have to explain to his uncle why strange cat noises were scaring customers in the coffin show room. That would be a pretty funny prank to pull, thought Otis, but it could lead to the cat meeting his namesake.