Mashed

Dear ElissaGator,

My roommate is dating a boy whom I absolutely hate. How do I get rid of him?

-Irate in Idaho

Irene,
I'm a big fan of showing the couple how important you consider their relationship. First, make sure the doors are locked, because they need to stay inside for the entire performance. Then place potatoes (you're in Idaho, right?) that resemble the couple around the apartment, and when they're on the coach having a romantic interlude, precede to scream angry chants while throwing the potatoes in boiling water. Have another roommate flicker the lights to emphasis the extreme nature of the situation. While potatoes are boiling, dance around the couple while reading Robert Frost poems in a Canadian accent. Wear nylons. 
   When potatoes are done boiling, put potatoes in bathroom tub. Encourage (or force) the couple into the bathroom. Have everyone jump in the tub and start mashing the potatoes by any means necessary. While doing this, play Richard Simmons sound bites that have been auto-tuned. Make sure no one is laughing. Punish laughing by pointing to feminine hygiene products. Laughing should then stop. 
   When potatoes are at a nice mashy consistency, scoop them up placing equal amounts into ice cream bowls. Go back to the living room and have the three of you sit on the smallest couch. While spoon feeding each other the mashed potatoes, proceed to watch Steel Magnolias. At the end of the movie, hug the both of them and while looking seductively in the boyfriend's eyes say "Will you bring the potatoes tomorrow night?" Unlock the doors and wave good bye as they run out. 
    There is a 99.999% chance that this will work, if instructions are followed exactly. Your other option is to come onto the boyfriend, actually fall in love with him, get engaged and spend the rest of your miserable happy lives together (for wedding dress options, see this bit of advice). I'd go with the potato scenario. 


You're welcome. 


*Syndicated Editor's note: ElissaGator has taken the challenge to answer/give advice freely for the next 30 days. She would have done it for the next 365 days, had the thought of utter failure not demised her attempts. You may ask her any question about herself, or ask for any advice for yourself or in behalf of a loved/hated/neutrally-platonic one. 

This is day 9 of 30.

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