But Do You Recall, The Strangest Christmas Songs Of Them All

Like any good Christian, I enjoy Christmas. I love the family time, the presents, the food (sometimes the food more than the family ... don't tell my family I said that), the way people pretend they're at an all time happiness when in reality they're pulling the hair from their noses because the holiday stresses them out. But Christmas definitely wouldn't be Christmas without Christmas music; whether that be hymns or commercialized jingles pointing out special savings (Happy Honda days ... really?). 

Today, I want to point out why some of these songs may have the magic of Christmas, but it's a dark magic. 

Baby It's Cold Outside
Can I just say this is one of the creepiest songs in songville in general? There's a man, I'm guessing he's in his mid-50s, probably rocking a pedophile mustache, singing to a girl who most likely is 17 trying to convince her to not leave his den of iniquity because it's cold outside. All her good common sense is combated with responses like "you'll freeze and it's up to your knees out there." 

How is this a Christmas song? I think it may have started out as a Public Service Announcement showing the dangers of My Space relationships and accidentally was played on the radio after a Mannheim Steamroller rendition of "Joy to the World," therefore cementing into the minds of the listeners that manipulation is a Christmas theme. 

Santa Baby
If there's one thing we learn at Christmas, it's seduction gets you the best gifts. Even old fat Santa can't resist a pouty blonde who "innocently" asks for things like the deed to a platinum mine. A platinum mine. There's one thing this girl will never have to ask for: The entrepreneurial spirit. 

Winter Wonderland
"In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend he is Parson Brown. He'll say are you married, we'll say 'No man. But you can do the job when you're in town.'" 

A parson is a pastor. I'm guessing this is about a shot gun wedding in which the local small town pastor denied the couple a church wedding, so they had to wander out to the meadow to make their clergy out of snow. Taking their frustrations out on this cold effigy, they then turn him into a circus clown and watch the kiddies knock him down (notice the dual meaning as it correlates to the woman being knocked up with a kiddie). 

Side note: I used to think the lyrics were "then pretend he is sparse and brown." Then again, I grew up in California and our snowmen, made from tumbleweeds, were sparse and brown. 

The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire)
"And folks dressed up like Eskimos." 
1)Pretty sure the general public doesn't even know how Eskimos dress (think seal skins, animal furs, ivory trimmings. Surprised PETA hasn't banned this song).
2) The only people I've seen dressed as Eskimos were wax figures in an Alaskan museum. 
Conclusion: Folks dress up in gear from Burlington Coat Factory. Sorry that doesn't rhyme. 

My Favorite Things
This also gets the honor of "How In The World Did You End Up As A Christmas Song?" My friend said it's because it has the lyric "brown paper packages tied up in strings." Although in today's world, nondescript brown packages usually contain a bomb. 

But the thing about this song that I really can't wrap my head around is this part: "When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling sad; I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don't feel so bad."  

You're telling me that you've just been mauled by a rabid dog, your ankle is attached only by a few tendons, blood is geysering from an artery and you have the thought "Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles" and then things magically seem better? 

Granted, I guess I too would feel better if I were on Oprah's episode where she hands out her favorite things, come dog bite, bee sting or the black plague.  

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas
"Dolls that will talk and go for a walk is the hope of Janice and Jenn." 

Well, we do know Santa is an anagram of Satan, and it looks like Janice and Jenn are some devout Satan followers. The top of their wish list is to have dolls that talk and go for a walk; i.e. demons. Corey also asked for a doll that would talk and go for a walk. Here he is with his demon doll on Christmas morning: 

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
For the most part this song is fine. Except for the line "There'll be scary ghost stories." Wait. I thought scary ghosts were associated with Halloween. 

"And then kids, when the elves found Rudolph, his nose was red. FROM THE BLOOD OF THE REINDEER HUNGER GAMES!!!"  

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Dear son, I know you saw me kissing Santa Claus last night. He is only one in a string of lovers I have. I'm surprised you didn't see me kissing Principle Jones on the porch swing or fondling daddy's boss Mr. Matthews in the laundry room. I realize you also thought I was tickling Santa Claus. It was a type of tickling, but a tickling only grown ups do that you'll understand when you're older. And no, daddy would not be laughing if he knew. 
Love, 
Your Mom Who Gets Around

In conclusion, there are some messed up Christmas songs out there. But at least we have Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You," restoring faith in humanity's ability to write good Christmas songs.

Merry Christmas y'all.