Basic Animal Instincts

Dear Elissa Gator,
I am stuck in a florescent lit, panel ceiling, closed off classroom with 26 other people. I want to bang my head on my clipboard and hope I am rendered unconscious. What should I do?
Bored Bella

Babbling Bumpkin,
I hear you. In fact, I'm in that situation right now. Weird how some of the questions I get coincide with my present life problems. Difference between you and me is I don't write into advice columns for help.

But I'll still help you.

This is what you do when you're so bored you're beyond the point of falling asleep, past a healthy sanity level, far away from functioning on a socially acceptable norm: you give into your basic animal instincts and let it all go. Despite the common held belief that this sounds like chaos, we know that there is a process to chaos.

1. While sitting down, start grunting and making obscure animal noises. I personally prefer the mating call of the African ant eater. Most people haven't heard it and will therefore be thrown off guard. I loving throwing people metaphorically.

2. When people start looking in your direction (and they will if you're doing it right), bare your teeth and hiss. On the off chance you don't have teeth, bare your fingernails in a threatening manner. Never bare your soul, unless you're a bear.

3. While doing the above two, start ripping at your clothes using a ball point pen. By using the pen you are sticking it to the man while effectively ruining your clothes. Ink is demon to remove.

4. Standing on one foot, leap across the room in one fail swoop (minus the failing part). Flail your hands and in American Sign Language sign "I am animal and I am now free." Make sure you sign this before you reach the opposite side of the room while in mid leap. It's imperative.

5. By now, the teacher/boss/probation officer/North Korean war lord should know you mean business and you're not going to take that learning crap any more. Hopefully they'll get the hint and avoid you. If not, ask them to join you (in ASL, of course).

6. Caged animals go crazy looking for an escape route. Imitate this by eating the panel ceiling. This may take awhile, but if you pretend it tastes like white cheddar rice cakes and have irritable bowel syndrome, you should be able to eat a 20x20 room in 5 hours. Eating the panels also takes your mind off of nutrients that your body craves and has been denied because you've been stuck in class.

7. At this pint Animal Control, Police or the IRS may have been notified of the situation. They have protocol to follow -- I'd look up their play book under "people who self com-bust into animal behavior and write into advice columns" so you'll know what to expect.

In the case of the Animal Control or the po-po, they usually deal with these type of circumstances with tranquilizers manufactured in remote Australian sheep farms. The IRS bring in boxes of tax forms you have to fill  out -- unfortunately their success rate with killing your animal drive is currently at 99.8%. Pray the IRS aren't called.

There you have it. I'm not going to lie, I'd love if you were prepared enough to video the whole thing and put it on youtube later. I'd watch it and like it.

You're welcome.