Farmville Frights

Dear Elissagator,
I don’t know if you have heard of the game “Farmville” on facebook, but my mom is obsessed with it. So much to the point that she took it upon herself to keep up my farm once I was done with it. This means she logs onto my account and I don’t want her to do it anymore. How do I tell her? Side note, she is my only source of love.
Fed-up Fannie

Fannie Pack,
There are more issues here than just this Farmville problem. If you went to see a shrink, they would say you have mommy problems and need to cut the umbilical cord. But shrinks are dumb, because umbilical cords come off soon after one is born. That is, unless you’re a freak of nature and you still have a feeding tube hanging from your belly button; in which case you should see a specialist about that. My advice would be to just use a sterile pair of scissors. But you probably shouldn’t then display said cut off umbilical cord on fridge. It’s not exactly something you should be proud of.

However, you can be proud of the fact that you have the power to change your password at anytime so your mom can’t get onto your Farmville. Speaking of which, from what I hear of the game, it’s too much of a feel good game. You can’t shoot horses and sell them to the glue factory, you can’t burn down other people’s crops and you can’t introduce mad cow disease into your Angus stock. There should be an app for that. If I knew how to create such things I would name it “Real Life Farmville,” backwoods serial killer included. It’s true, I learn more from me than I do from my readers.
YOU'RE WELCOME

Are You Also Related To Him?

This is a true story about my 15 year old sister. My uncle Clark said that his son Josiah had recently signed on to the new.family search.net site and had just kept hitting the back button to see how far back the McKray (my Grandma's maiden name) line would go .  Anyway, they discovered that the line goes through royalty in England, Scotland, the bad guys of Troy, all the way to Adam.   

Audrey (my 15 year old sister) had just come into the dining room when Clark said, your line goes all the way back to Adam.  She asked whose did and my mom told her it was Grandma Kellis and therefore her.  She went back into the other room and said, ‘hey guys, I am related to Adam! The sad thing is I'm pretty sure she was seriously excited to find out she was related to Adam.

Springtime in Wisconsin!

Recipe for Self-Pity

Recipe for Self-Pity

1-2 Ex-boyfriends happily married
1 Annoying-Butt-Kisser chosen for promotion over you
5 Roommates on dates while you’re home alone
1 Scale that over weighs by 5 lbs.
¾ cup each cheese and whine (use vinegar if not a drinking person)
World’s Smallest Violin (can be found in the ethnic food section)

1. During cooking process have loved one be playing Tchaikovsky’s “The Saddest Song” on world’s smallest violin in the background. Probably won’t find world’s smallest violin because you will have just missed the sale. Make do with what you have. Most find they are out of loved ones for this certain recipe; can substitute any neighborhood kid for minimum wage.

2. Separate each ingredient and spend good amount of time lamenting over each one (an hour will be sufficient). Slowly combine all into a massive wallow and blubber fest, going back and forth between all of them until there are no more distinguished ingredients. This should have the feel of the Great Flood, with miles of nothing but a sea of bitter tears on the horizon.

3. Before combining ingredients, it is a good idea to take pictures of individual ingredients and use as dart board, fuel for fire or parakeet cage floor. Make sure all pictures are obliterated by end of process, or recipe will mysteriously start again on its own.

4. During cooking time, curl up in fetal position on bed and try to think of fond childhood memories. Displace these happy thoughts with reminders of all the Christmas presents Santa never brought you (exp: opening up a toy horse instead of a real horse). If you didn’t celebrate Christmas, dwell on the fact that you didn’t celebrate Christmas.

5. Using leftover cheese and wine, serve with course on second-hand nicked platter that mother-in-law gave you because she doesn’t like you and never will.

*Calorie count is not exact as multiple cartons of Ben & Jerry’s, family size bag of Doritos and a Thirst Quencher of non-diet Coke are usually ingested. 

Look into my Crystal Ball

This idea looked better in my head. I also wanted to use dry ice, but I didn't use it right away and when I went to get it- poof -it was gone. Apparently putting dry ice in the freezer will make it disappear quicker than putting it in an insulated ice chest. Sneaky dry ice. But this is the most decent one; I'll keep playing around with the idea. If you look close you can see part of my face. It kind of does look like I'm a ghost appearing in the crystal ball. Spooky. 

Recipe for...

Recipe for Anger

½ A night’s sleep
1 cup Spoiled Milk
3 days Without Hot Water
2 ½ Dirty Looks From Others
1 Crashed Computer
1 Manipulative “Friend”

1. Combine the above ingredients into a bottle, let ferment inside of ripe intestines (preferably your own, but a spouse’s will do if you’re in a pinch).
2. Playing heavy metal music, punching walls or throwing shoes will add to atmospheric quality. Will also get rid of any other cooks in the kitchen.
2. Oven temperature varies, can be 250° to 6000°, depending on desired consistency. A brief anger requires a lower temperature and lesser time, revengeful-grudge anger needs to be as hot as possible with days to week of baking time. Altitude will not change outcome, rage can thrive in any climate.
3. For great examples of presenting the meal, Google images of “Mt. St. Helen’s Erupting,” “Southern California Fires,” or “Bikini Island Experiments.”
4. DO NOT let meal be touched by soothing words, apologizes, a dozen roses, or Celine Dion concerts. Will destroy recipe completely.
4. This can be shared or made into an individual portion. Author recommends serving on a wrestling mat if taking to share with others.
*This recipe can be made richer by multiplying any of the above ingredients (NOTE: Adding more than one manipulative “friend” will change concoction all together. See recipe for Insanity).

Coloring with Water

As per special request, I am posting some of my watercolor paintings. Stokes, if you are reading this, don't judge. This is the first watercolor class I have ever taken. These aren't all the ones I've done, just the ones that are decent enough to post. There are some more, which will be posted when I get them back. And these were just taken with my cell phone, so pretend the color is better.

This last one that I did is my favorite, the reason it looks a lot better than the other two is because it is an "emulation" piece, meaning we found a watercolor painting we liked and copied it. I enjoyed watercolor at the beginning, but now I'm just frustrated with it. It's the perfectionist in me. One of the hardest things is trying to figure out what to paint. So if you have any good resources of stuff you think I should paint, let me know. I might give you a cookie.

Graduation Time!

It is true. I am soon graduating (finally, I know). I need good ideas for grad announcements, because the one the school is offering is hideous. And I say that with the most love of my heart. I feel becasue I'm graduating in art, my announcements can be a little less traditional. What say ye?

Liquid Art

My friend posted this cool picture, the artist (Alberto Seveso) uses colored varnish poured into a fish bowl. He also does some other really cool stuff with vectors and photoshop. Check out these sites to be inspired.

Pictures
Vector People