Recipe for Self-Pity

Recipe for Self-Pity

1-2 Ex-boyfriends happily married
1 Annoying-Butt-Kisser chosen for promotion over you
5 Roommates on dates while you’re home alone
1 Scale that over weighs by 5 lbs.
¾ cup each cheese and whine (use vinegar if not a drinking person)
World’s Smallest Violin (can be found in the ethnic food section)

1. During cooking process have loved one be playing Tchaikovsky’s “The Saddest Song” on world’s smallest violin in the background. Probably won’t find world’s smallest violin because you will have just missed the sale. Make do with what you have. Most find they are out of loved ones for this certain recipe; can substitute any neighborhood kid for minimum wage.

2. Separate each ingredient and spend good amount of time lamenting over each one (an hour will be sufficient). Slowly combine all into a massive wallow and blubber fest, going back and forth between all of them until there are no more distinguished ingredients. This should have the feel of the Great Flood, with miles of nothing but a sea of bitter tears on the horizon.

3. Before combining ingredients, it is a good idea to take pictures of individual ingredients and use as dart board, fuel for fire or parakeet cage floor. Make sure all pictures are obliterated by end of process, or recipe will mysteriously start again on its own.

4. During cooking time, curl up in fetal position on bed and try to think of fond childhood memories. Displace these happy thoughts with reminders of all the Christmas presents Santa never brought you (exp: opening up a toy horse instead of a real horse). If you didn’t celebrate Christmas, dwell on the fact that you didn’t celebrate Christmas.

5. Using leftover cheese and wine, serve with course on second-hand nicked platter that mother-in-law gave you because she doesn’t like you and never will.

*Calorie count is not exact as multiple cartons of Ben & Jerry’s, family size bag of Doritos and a Thirst Quencher of non-diet Coke are usually ingested.