Halloween Grays

I had the best Halloween costume planned out. I didn't think of it, but I haven't seen someone in real life wear it (this is as opposed to fake life, which we all know consists of Kardashians).

I was going for the "desaturated" look, like these:

Instead, I got this:

I felt like a wannabe sparkly vampire. And I definitely did not wannabe a sparkly vampire.

When people would ask what I was, instead of explaining to them how I epically failed, I said "what do you think I am?" Whatever answer they gave I would enthusiastically nod and say "that's exactly right! How did you know?"

Maybe next year I'll drink a lot of water and go as "saturated."

Carlos Norris

Today I was sad. I needed something to make me happy. I photoshopped Chuck Norris in his true identity -- Carlos Norris. Yep, that's his real name.

Here's Chuck Norris, the one we all know and love:

And here's Carlos Norris, the one too scary to even make jokes about:

I feel happier.

All Those Ls

It seems that all anyone does these these days is "live laugh love." Whatever happened to the other "L" verbs of life?

-Lose
-Lick
-Lap
-Lend
-Luggle (it's like juggle, but with an L)
-Log
-Lurk
-Lust
-Locust-eat
-Lash
-Lead
-Leak
-Level
-Lock

Wow. After awhile, L verbs start looking very weird.

When I do get married, I will only accept picture frames with the words "Lose Luggle Lurk." It might just have to become my life motto.

There's An App For That

I'm going to share something with you. I don't have a smartphone. Please still be my friend. But if I did have a smartphone, these are some of the apps I would make for it (and then I'd sell them and make $$$millions$$$; but I'd give them to you for free, of course). 

Pregnancy App: Pee on your phone. If it still works after you've done that -- congrats, you're pregnant. 

 

Dumb People Alert: Alerts you as you approach dumb people. Going into public may cause it to work too hard and eventually break. 

 

Get You Hired App: Writes meaningful cover letters targeting future employers. *Must be prepared to show extraordinary skills (like nunchuck skills) to said future employers during interviews.

 

Scratch n' Sniff App: In beta version; works best for things that actually smell like glass or plastic. 

 

Ironing App: Shirt wrinkled before big meeting? This app overheats your phone; press phone to shirt and voila! *One time use app. 

 

Paranoia App: Lets you know when someone's watching you. Then again, we're always watching you. 

 

Hebrew Word App: Translates every word in the bible into Hebrew and tells you how to pronounce it correctly. You'll be the smartest (albeit most annoying) cat in Sunday school. 

 

Happy Bird Game: Colorful birds help green pigs build fortresses while cheerfully singing their birdy songs. Bambi and his alive mother make an appearance.

Name That Movie

"Audrey, quick name the movie that this quote belongs to: "You're like my own personal brand of heroin."
 "I don't know."
"Seriously? Think about it."
"No, I really don't know."
"How about Twilight, when Edward is talking to Bella?"
"Oh. All I could think of was Ke$ha. You know, 'you're love is my drug.'"

Season's Greetings

The other day my sister and I were talking about seasons. It came up that she doesn't exactly have a firm grasp on the order of the seasons. She said "well I know when winter and summer are, but I get mixed up with the other two."

I said "Well if you know when those two are, the rest should fall into place. Spring comes after winter and before summer, and fall comes after summer and before winter."

She looked at me like I was an idiot and said "Yeah. That makes no sense whatsoever."

Hey, I tried.

Capitol "C" Crazy

My grandma came to live with us. She's 82 and is mostly deaf. When she came to live with us she was crazy with a capitol "C." And my parents were in Utah/Idaho dropping my brothers off to school. So I got to take care of crazy grandma.

It was the most adventurous three nights of my life.

The first night she wouldn't sleep in her room because she thought there was a man with his dog in there. Hours I slept: 6.

The second night I took her to the ER at midnight because of a blood sugar scare (she's a diabetic). When we were coming home I was playing the radio (because by then it was 3 a.m. and something had to keep me awake). There was a steady bass beat going and she looked concerned at me and said "Elissa, is that your heart? Are you okay?"  Hours I slept: 4.

The third night she thought she had to go to work, so she'd put on her purse and proceed to find an exit. It'd take her a couple of minutes to figure out how to unlock the door and then I'd re-lock it. She would look at me and say "what'd you do that for?" Then she'd wobble over to another door and the charade would start again. You'd think she'd get worn out and want to go to sleep. Nope. This went on all night until 3 a.m., when I called a family friend to come granny-watch before I joined her in the looney bin. Hours I slept: 3.

The day my parents came home I let her out into the front yard where she tried to open the door to the truck. When that didn't work, she started yelling at some imaginary person who was in the truck to open the door. When that didn't work, she got into the bed of the truck and sat there, ready to go to work. I then called my parents and asked them how much longer before they got home.

When my parents did get home, she introduced me to her son, who just so happens to be my father, who I just so happen to live with. And once my parents came home, she was no longer crazy.

Turns out she had a massive urinary tract infection which apparently makes older people go crazy. Once they get over the infection, they go back to just old-crazy, not capitol C crazy.

That was the beginning of September and I think it took me the rest of the month to screw my head back on. What did you do in September?

More grandma stories to come.

Dog Showers

My 13 year old brother, Tanner, just asked me "Do you think it's weird if you find a dog attractive?" I didn't have an answer for him.

The other night, after everyone had gone to bed and I was up wasting away my life watching TV, Tanner came down stairs with wet hair and a shocked look on his face.

"Elissa, why did I just take a shower?" It's 11:40 p.m. I start laughing. He asks me again. "Elissa, why did I just take a shower?"

I said "Did you really just take a shower?" He nods his head.

"I got up, took a shower and then saw that it was still dark. Why did I do that?" I told him that happens to lots of people, who think it's time to get up and get ready when it's still only 11:40 at night (although, oddly enough, I've actually never done that). He just kept looking at me, like someone had given him the David-after-the-dentist-drug. I asked if he wanted to go back to his room, but he said it was too creepy. So he snuggled up on the couch and I finished watching The Office.

*Update: After the awesome email I sent to a job offer, I find out the whole thing is a scam. Look at me, wasting my best words on a scam.

*And someone had asked what kind of dog Max is. He's a White German Shepherd.

*I also finished reading The Help. I loved it. Though, it did make me want a maid (I don't care what her race is). Is that bad? 

Seriously, Hire Me

I found a receptionist position for an optometrist office on Craigslist. In the job description they said "please send your resume along with an email telling us about yourself. In your email help us get to know you better!" This is my email to them: 

Hello! My name is Elissa Stewart, and I'm interested in the receptionist position. I have red hair, a warm demeanor and am able to help those around me feel comfortable in any given situation. Unless we're in a falling elevator -- there just wouldn't be enough time to approach a comfortable vibe.

I do not wear glasses, but both of my parents do, so there's a good chance in the future I'll need them as well. What better way to prepare for my future than to work in an Optometrist office. There I go, preparing for my future. I like to be ahead of the game, even if that game is called "life."

I'm a multitasker at heart, as I can breathe and have my heart beating all at the same time. And I don't even think about it. I'm able to copy and answer phone calls at the same time. This will surely impress the patients in the front office, which will subconsciously make them want to come back more than is actually necessary.

Like a falling elevator, don't let the opportunity to meet and interview me pass you by. With my 20/20 vision, I look forward to hearing your response. 

I should be hired by this time tomorrow. 

*UPDATE: Turns out it's a scam to get your credit score or something. Fools. 

As Seen On TV

Have you ever heard the saying "don't reinvent the wheel?" I think it can be attributed to the guy that has the copyright laws to the wheel and is dreading someone making a better wheel. 

I accept the challenge. I am going to remake all reality TV shows. 

"The Amazing Pace" 

Senior citizen contestants must race down Main Street in a small town in this 10 day challenge. 

"Real Housewives of Provo" 

Who is the craftiest, biggest haired, designer dressed, caffeine obsessed, bloggingist mom?

"Project Runaway"  

Contest of runaway children to see who actually makes it to the circus. Winner gets to become emancipated minor.

 

"Deadliest Match" 

Young single adults steer through tumultuous waters of hormones and rejection to find their soul mate. *Intense show, not suitable for...well anyone really.  

"Extreme Makeover: Cubicle Edition" 

Three words -- "Move that chair!" 

"The Biggest Gainer"

What? Super skinny people don't deserve love and attention as well?

"What Not to Bare" 

Because modest is the hottest

"19 Land Before Times and Counting" 

I admit, that's a groaner.

"So You Think You Can Lance?" 

Unfortunately, if you loose, you die.

"Miami Sink" 

Life of a Miami plumber. No tattoos, but plenty of skin. 

"America's Next Top Toddler" 

The stars of Toddlers and Tiaras with Tyra. Say that 3 times fast.  

Favorite App

When applying for a design job, this is what I wrote under the prompt "briefly describe why you are the perfect candidate for this job." 

Many people are creative. I am not. I am above creative. I am the supercalifragilisticexpialidocious of creative design. I'm like your favorite app -- there when you need me and ready to work. Install me today.

Honestly, what else am I supposed to write?

I'd Like to Introduce You

There's someone new in my life. That's why it's been so long since a post.

We met through my grandma.

He has dark chocolate brown eyes and he has the most intense stare I've ever seen.

Like me, he loves food.

We've gone on nighttime walks together.

He's very protective of me, but at the same time can get a little mouthy.

We both have European ancestors; mine Scottish, his German. 

I've taught him a thing or two, and he's taught me as well.

Like me, he likes naps during the day.

We don't really cuddle, but he has definitely kissed me.

I'd like to introduce you to Max.

I Promise to Look After It

I made up a survey to figure out the perfect family pet.

1) Are you a fan of Michael Vick? If yes, get a cat. A dog would get you time in the slammer.

2) Did you watch Steve Irwin growing up? If so, that's really creepy. What were you, his Aussie neighborhood stalker, watching him from birth to fame? Get no pets. 

3) After watching Finding Nemo did you a) flush your fish down the toilet or b) want to join a "Fish are Friends Not Food" club ? If you picked a, get a pelican. If you picked b, find a friend who can talk to whales but forgets your name and call her your Squishy. 

4) When you see someone pushing a stroller, do you shriek with delight to find they're pushing dogs and not babies? If yes, get a bear. You need a reality check. 

 

 

5) Do you like to paint? Follow my friend Bob Ross and get a pet squirrel. 

6) Do you tend to tell stories that aren't true? A dodo bird is right up your alley.

 

7) Are you annoyed with life in general? Then I'm sure you already have plenty of pet peeves. 

 

Maybe I should write surveys for a living. I'd make bank.