Seriously, Hire Me

I found a receptionist position for an optometrist office on Craigslist. In the job description they said "please send your resume along with an email telling us about yourself. In your email help us get to know you better!" This is my email to them: 

Hello! My name is Elissa Stewart, and I'm interested in the receptionist position. I have red hair, a warm demeanor and am able to help those around me feel comfortable in any given situation. Unless we're in a falling elevator -- there just wouldn't be enough time to approach a comfortable vibe.

I do not wear glasses, but both of my parents do, so there's a good chance in the future I'll need them as well. What better way to prepare for my future than to work in an Optometrist office. There I go, preparing for my future. I like to be ahead of the game, even if that game is called "life."

I'm a multitasker at heart, as I can breathe and have my heart beating all at the same time. And I don't even think about it. I'm able to copy and answer phone calls at the same time. This will surely impress the patients in the front office, which will subconsciously make them want to come back more than is actually necessary.

Like a falling elevator, don't let the opportunity to meet and interview me pass you by. With my 20/20 vision, I look forward to hearing your response. 

I should be hired by this time tomorrow. 

*UPDATE: Turns out it's a scam to get your credit score or something. Fools.