Newsletter Overload

I'm going to do something really strange. I'm posting all the RS newsletters I've done so far. It's more for me than for you. But you're also welcome to it. It will be a really long post and I don't expect you to read all of them. I do, however, expect you to appreciate the fine art of each one, and take a moment to consider the finite details that make them great.

 August 14, 2011

As a RSP, I don't hate many things, because I'm supposed to be full of love, but there is no love lost over spam (the viral, the post delivered and the canned version). Good thing you get to open your inbox and see that this is not spam. At least I hope not. 

Monday: FHE 7 p.m. Woodruff Building. Haven't found love yet? Try FHE, the non-online way to meet someone. Our chemistry experts don't do a single thing to help you out. But, go now, and you'll get a free membership for the rest of your life!

Tuesday: Volleyball 8 p.m. Woodruff Building. Local mom reveals secrets of cleaning a volleyball to sparkling white. Come see why dentists and Tom Hanks hate her. 

Thursday: No Institute at No Time at No Building (Institute will start up again next week). Want to make $5,000 a week from home? So do I. 

Saturday: Baptism for Tia at 1 p.m., Rancho Stake Center. YOU ARE AN INSTANT WINNER!!!! *Must attend an eternal time share presentation by ward missionaries to receive prize.  

Saturday: Griffith Observatory Trip. Meet at Woodruff Building at 5 p.m. to carpool. Contact Jana about carpooling later that evening. Gold prices are at an all time high; secure your future by using gold bullion instead of beef bouillon. 

Other Important Items:

*A sister from Utah, Rachel, is moving down here and is looking for a place to live. Preferably LDS roommates. Please let me know asap if you know of anybody who has a place for her to live. Or if you know of a low interest credit card that doubles your reward points, pays off your student loans, and protects you from federal government conspiracy theorists.  

*We're doing great with the school kits! Here is what we still need: 

Colored Pencils (12 pk):  20 packs

Blunt-Nosed Scissors: 20

Pencil Sharpener: 7

Rubber Eraser: 12

Spiral Bound Notebook (70 pgs.): 120

Spiral Bound Notebook (100 pgs.): 26

Ruler: 18

Bring them to the church or contact Rachel Wheeler. Then take a survey to enter to win an iPad 2! (iPad 2 prize is a framed picture of an iPad 2, not an actually iPad 2). 

*And finally, the RS is in charge of the ward Halloween party. If you're interested in being part of a committee to plan it, let me know. Find great deals on used brooms online. Certified pre-cursed. 

Love Elissa, who will not be able to bail you out of jail or fight your legal case. Use the internet to find that kind of junk. 

August 8, 2011

Was there weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth at church today because I was not there? I understand. My dear sisters, it is because I am in the Jello Belt (you might find it on a map under "Utah"). But I did miss you all terribly. And I will be back live in person next Sunday. As the hymn book says, Onward Christian Soldiers (to more important things besides where I happen to be at the moment).

Mon: FHE 7 p.m. Woodruff Building. When the early saints were having a locust crisis, multitudes of seagulls came and ate them all up. That is why the seagull is Utah's state bird. That doesn't mean they are a respecter of persons when it comes to the bird droppings found on your car.

Tues: Volleyball 8 p.m. Woodruff Building. Many members in Utah like to play volleyball. But they are wary of dancing. Don't believe me? Watch Footloose. 

Wed: Baptisms for the dead. Meet at Woodruff Building at 6:30 p.m. to carpool to temple. It would technically be possible to hit up 8 temples in one day if you were in the Salt Lake area. But please don't actually hit the temples.

Thurs: Institute 7 p.m. It is true, there is almost a church on every corner here in Utah. And if it's not a church, it's a Cafe Rio or cupcake place.

Friday: Rancho Dance 9 p.m. Rancho Stake Center. Did you watch Footloose? Are your feet loose?

Sat: Beach party. Meet at Woodruff Building at 8 a.m. for carpooling. Dinner will be provided, as well as fun in the sun. Utahans are land locked and don't have immediate access to an ocean. They do, however, have access to a lake filled with salt. I still don't understand why it's not a more popular surfing site. 

If I see an apostle, or President Monson, I'll tell them the Deer Creek RS said hello. Now where did I put that green jello...
-Elissa

July 31, 2011

Do you like roller coasters? Then why is it when people say "my life is like a roller coaster" it's a negative thing? Let's start a trend and make our roller coaster lives out to be awesome. Because they are awesome. Just keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times. 

Over at the visiting teaching booth, Kayla has asked that we not only do our VTing but also report it. There is the possibility of winning a giant spiritual teddy bear. Please text, facebook, email or send word by carnie of your VT results. 

Monday: FHE 7 p.m. We weren't able to get bumper cars in time for tomorrow night, so we're going the old fashioned route: bumping into people without cars. Please bump responsibly. 

Tuesday: Volleyball 8 p.m. Dress up like clowns and honk your red nose every time your team makes a point. 

Wednesday: Book Club 7 p.m. Danielle Demke's Tent. Discussing The City of Bones. Danielle is still trying to pull strings to get a bearded lady to her house for that night, but we may have to settle with Kelsey's curly head. 

Thursday: Institute 7 p.m. I hear Brother Price is an excellent ring leader when it comes to taming the scriptures. Or his students. I always get the two confused. 

Friday: I encourage everyone to march throughout their house singing "76 Trombones." Anyone that sends me proof that they convinced 76 trombonists to come and play at their house gets to stay at my house for a night. Because your parents/roommates will probably kick you out after that parade. Honorable mention goes to finding double bell euphoniums. (*Side tangent note: I once had a crush on a euphoniumist.) 

Saturday: Did you hear about the circus fire? It was intense (read out loud). 

Sunday: Fast Sunday. Perfect opportunity to apply everything we learned in RS today, and clear your system of cotton candy overload. I know 6 days of cotton candy at every meal does a number on my stomach. Good thing I throw in some popcorn now and then. And a churro. Can't forget the churro. 

Other main attractions (*Side tangent note #2: My girl's camp name was Main Attraction. Imagine that): 

Go to The Root 66 Garden website to find out if we start voting. More on that after I find Dumbo and claim him as my personal flying vehicle (don't tell PETA or Disney). 

Please continue to collect school supplies for the Zambia children! Blue ribbons upon your head when you bring them in. 

Thanks for everything you do. Let me know what I can do for you. I do, however, cross the line at putting swords or fire down my throat.

-Elissa 

July 24, 2011

Apparently, last week's newsletter was such a spellbinder that it was told to me to make every newsletter a special edition. As your servant, I can only bow to your wishes. This week we're crossing the plains of the internet to bring you a pioneer newsletter, via covered-email-wagon. 

Monday: FHE 7 p.m. Woodruff Building. Collect your buffalo chips for wood and bring them for a fire that will never be lit. Pound of flour goes to anyone who can actually find a real buffalo chip before tomorrow night. Please contain in reinforced ziploc bag. 

Tuesday: Volleyball 8 p.m. Woodruff Building. Pioneer children walked and walked and walked and walked, you can spike and spike and spike and spike. If the other team seems to be too threatening, circle up the wagons. You won't win by doing this at all, but at least the women and children will be safe in the middle. 

Wednesday: Life on the trail can be lonely. Steer your oxen towards the girls you visit teach. Bring homemade prairie jam, or some strawberries so she can make it herself. Those who don't do their visiting teaching this month may get metaphorical dysentery.  

Thursday: Institute 7 p.m. Institute Building. Counting rocks can get boring - join others who are also bored counting rocks and learn more about why you're traveling to Zion. 

Friday: Dust off that pretty calico dress and gingham bonnet and rope some cowboy into taking you square dancing. Extra fancy ribbons goes to any lady that can get two cowboys to brawl over her. 

Saturday: It's a special day. It's a day to get ready for Sunday. 

Sunday: Bring any school supplies for the Zambia Kits and we'll give you a piece of chocolate that might look like buffalo droppings but will taste a whole lot better. 

Well I'm still waiting for some cowboy to take me away into that wild blue, but until then -- you can find me at my wagon (email inserted here) or use the satellite pony express at (cell phone number here). 

See you in Zion. Hopefully sooner.

-Elissa

July 17, 2011
Yes, the Harry Potter series is over, so I think we can now get back to reading the scriptures. And visiting teaching. Although, you could always take the girls you visit teach to go see the movie. Tie the gospel in somehow and I'll let you call it good (i.e. "Voldemort represents evil. We must fight evil. We don't have wands. But we have faith. The end."). But no more skipping Relief Society to have Harry Potter discussions. I'll take 50 points from your house.

Monday: FHE (Finding Husband Event) 7 p.m. Woodruff building. Take off your invisibility cloak and cast a flirty spell on someone special (this is beginning to sound like a horoscope, which it is definitely not. I would be okay if they shoved this in a fortune cookie though). 

 

Tuesday: Volleyball 8 p.m. Woodruff building. I'll let you pretend the volleyball is really a bludger and you can hit it as hard as you want.

 

Thursday: Blood drive at the stake center. There may be a Madame Pomfrey look-a-like sticking you. 

 

Thursday: Institute 7 p.m. I hear the teacher teaches defenses against the dark arts (things such as going to church, reading your scriptures, doing your visiting teaching, and knowing your primary colors).   

 

Friday: Choose your own adventure! Today I will (eat chocolate frogs/ride a train/send J.K. Rowling a Book of Mormon). 

 

Saturday: Getty Museum Trip 10 a.m. meet at Woodruff building. No cost to get into the museum, but there is a parking fee (unless you ride your Nimbus 2000). May want to bring a sack lunch (but there is also food to buy there). If you look at the paintings long enough, I'm pretty sure the figures start moving. After multiple secret words, none would open to revel spacious common rooms. I'm hoping things will be different this Saturday. 

As always, you can reach me by owl, but I prefer the muggle networks (email and phone). My fireplace is bricked over, so please don't try floo powder. For the future, don't expect a RS Newsletter Twilight Edition, but don't put it past me either. I do accept themed suggestions. 

-Elissa and the rest of the head table.

 

 

Wow. Did you seriously just read all of those? Or did you just scroll to the very end? Still. I'm impressed. You know how to use a mouse.