This Title is Really Small

Dear Elissa Gator,
I have been with my roommates for exactly one and a half weeks. I thought we got along okay, but then they went and short sheeted my bed. Can we say rude? I was so mad. Touching my stuff, getting all over the place where I slumber- seriously, who does that? And you know what they did? Just laughed. And laughed. Now I'm somewhat paranoid and keep remaking my bed for fear of them having messed something up. Can you publicly let them know how wrong it is to do something that mean? -Shorter Sheets Sally


Sheet Face,
I hear your pain. Actually, no I don't. I just wanted you for a second to feel like the cosmos cared about your pathetic problem. Let me get this straight- your roommates loved you so much that they went and pulled a harmless prank on you as a form of bonding and you in turn rejected their form of love language? Do you even understand the language of love? It's supposedly Latin. But Latin is dead. Don't let your friendship die because you aren't able to translate. I've spent many years studying love languages. The most important thing that I learned from my time with the monks of south LA is that sometimes when you least expect it... love happens. Or in your case you get short sheeted. But don't ever expect Jennifer Anniston or Aaron Eckhart to short sheet you (not even if you're least expecting it). What I'm trying to say is, maybe you should try sleeping in a short sheeted bed before you judge someone. You're welcome.