Not Exactly Dead Sea Scrolls...

Remember how I told you about the Talent Show?  How I said it was a big secret of what I was going to do? Well I had planned on singing a spoof to the song Friday ; my song was going to be called "Sunday" and be all about deciding which pew to sleep in. I had most of it written out, but never got around to actually practicing it to music, and I wasn't able to hire a token rapper to make it a legit talent show song. I then went to Danja's house (she's my Relief Society Prez - you'll see her named mentioned again below, so don't forget who she is) to help her with her talent, and before I knew it there was an hour before the talent show and I had to do something. So in 25 minutes I whipped out this little thing.

*Reading this is no way counts as reading your scriptures for the day. Though I dare say you may be inspired.

1. I, Elissa, having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father, and sunbeam teacher and young women leaders and Danja; and having seen many politians in the course of my days, nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days, because I was blessed with red hair; yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God, therefore I make a facebook status of my proceedings in my days.

2. Yea, I make a record in the language of my peers, which consists of the learning of teenagers with no grammar and of the language of Twitter.

4. For it came to pass in the commencement of the second year of the reign of Bishop Johnson, wise one of Deer Creek Ward, and in that same year there came many engagements and hooking ups, threatening the status of the single’s ward, for when everyoneth became married there would no more therefore be a single’s ward.

5. But it came to pass that Bishop Johnson wanted the destruction of the single’s ward, for then everyoneth would be married, and so he did spend many days and nights pondering the destruction of the single’s ward.

6. And it came to pass that there were two virgin naysayers that would not have the destruction of the single’s ward, vowing to never marry, thus disrupting the plans of the Bishop.

7. And the Bishop saith unto them “Oh Lemanjello, oh Lemueladasha, have thou not heard my sermons concerning getting married? Have thou not hearkened to the voice of your Relief Society President? Walk in the ways of Danja, who is engaged, that thou may be more like her, that thou may be married, that there will no longer be a single’s ward and they’ll finally call me to be a high council member.”

8. And it came to pass that Lamanjello and Lemueladasha (who had grown up in neighboring tents) did text their friends the trials and tribulations they felt they had faced having had been admonished by the Bishop.

9. And after the texts came the tears, and after the tears came the floods, and after the floods the rains came up, and then the foolish man was homeless.

10. Then it came to pass that Lamanjello and Lemueladasha did seek to destroy the work of the Bishop and they did create a facebook group called “Keepeth the Single’s Ward single forever.”

11. And they did gain many followers, Mark Zuckerburg not being one of them, who were followers of the devil himself, and were being dragged down to hell.

12. But there came about one named Nephi-Arell, liketh the name Darrell, but prounceth Nephi-Arell, who was strong and of good stature and had returned from a mission and was going to school and was able to make bows and arrows of fine quality that he gaveth away to DI.

13. And Lemueladasha was astonished at the sight of Nephi-Arell, and a seed of faith enetereth into her heart, yeah a seed that was nourished by the good looks and good works of Nephi-Arell.

14. And she saith unto Lamanjello “Let us not mock those that seek the ways of eternal marriage, but let us repent of our ways and find husbands so that we might find modest wedding dresses online and register at Wal-Zarahemla-Mart”

15. But Lamanjello’s heart was hardened against Lemueldasha, and they did have a falling out over facebook, and Lamanjello defriended Lemueldasha.

16. But Lemueldasha did gain a friend on facebook, even Nephi-Arell, who dwelt in the fashionable black and silver tent. And they did spend many days together, but Nephi-Arell always had her back to her tent before the Holy Ghost went to bed.

17. And it came to pass that Nephi-Arell did propose to Lemueldasha, yeah, and he did take her to the temple where they were sealed. And after they did have a cake with a rotating temple that they placed underneath the basketball hoop in the big tent’s gym.

18. And there was a great celebration in the land, namely the Fontana, Rancho Cucamonga and Upland lands, for the single’s ward was almost destroyed.

19. But Lamanjello went about seeking the destruction of the destruction of the single’s ward by spreading false witness about marriage on her blog. And it came to pass that she was struck down by and angel who said unto her:

20. And inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments, ye shall aprosper, and shall be led to a bman of promise; yea, even a man which the Lord has prepared for you; yea, a man which is choice above all other mans.

21. For it was the fear that she would never find a man of promise that Lamajello did pursue the works of the devil. But now that she knew there was a man of promise, she too did repent of her ways.

22. And now we see that the works of Bishop Johnson came to pass, and they were about to disband the single’s ward, when a new group of high school seniors graduated…

23. Oh be married, what more can I say?