1. Crane Flies. They are like Daddy Long Legs with wings that fly like they're drunk out of their tiny minds. I hate them.
2. The hype over this dumb wedding. 95% of people watching it are women trying to vicariously live out their fairy tale dream wedding/becoming a princess that they believed would happen when they were girls and now live a boring and un-fairy tale life. The other 5% are gay men to see which wedding dress designer Kate finally went with. I hate designer wedding dresses.
3. Allergies. Mother Nature, why you gotta hurt me? I hate coughing like a chain smoker.
4. Micheal Scott leaving The Office. Do you ever get so caught up with characters in books/movies/television shows that you accidentally start praying for them? I hate praying for fictional people.
5. Boring email/mail. It's cruel and unusual punishment to see you have messages in your inbox/mailbox, which gets your hopes up high that someone thought of you, only to find Kohl's bi-weekly ad is one of the most consistent things in your life right now. I hate being let down like a baby giraffe.
6. Fruit that spoils before it turns ripe. How am I supposed to know that the very green cantaloupe is very rotten on the inside? I hate fruit that can't live up to it's potential.
7. Being woken up from a nap. I hate waking up more stupid then when I fell asleep (examples Here, here , here... you know what- I'm creating a new tab called "sleep stories" and I need to write about the time my sleep caused me to order lots of milk - more later).
8. Fat. The kind that's closer to you then your closest friend. I hate loving food that makes me fat.
9. One year out of college and still no steady income. I hate my dependency on dead presidents (namely Jackson, Grant, Washington, etc.).
10. People who whine on their blogs. I hate that crap.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
My Blog, 15 years from now
Let's face it folks, there are a plethora of very cute-puke-on-your-homemade-DIY-cardigan blogs. Women with families that look like they should be living in a catalog tell all about the fabulous lives they live - complete with coordinating Easter outfits; specially themed birthday parties for their three year old with hand calligraphied invitations; hand sewn fabric bunting holiday banners; photography skills, cooking skills, typography skills, sewing skills, and trophy wife skills; with just enough mishaps in their precious lives that they ensure their readers they are actually real people (and if you want links to these blogs, let me know. I have them all on my Google Reader).
It's true, I'm a follower of many of these blogs. I appreciate a lot of nice design and great DIY projects they feature. But because I have some sort of ingrained notion to go against the grain, don't expect my blog to be anything like that when/if I have my own little family. I think my posts would go along these lines:
Recipes:
"How to follow Krusteaz directions and still burn pancakes that are in completely boring circle shapes"
"Sloppy Joes on stale buns"
"I'm too tired to make dinner find yourself something to eat Dinner Extraordinaire"
"Fancy guest dessert: store bought ice cream with chocolate sauce that has been expired for a month."
My Cute Kids:
Teaching them wrong names for things (i.e. salt is actually pepper, vice versa) so that when they get out in the real world they'll be blown away.
Christmas traditions of associating Santa driving a sleigh of alligators (Seriously. You better not pout).
Photos posted of them wearing haphazardly thrown on and mismatched clothes as their "Sunday Best."
Documentation of how many lice eggs I find on each of their sweet heads
Family Adventures:
Touring the morgue (I'm hoping Lindsey Lohan will still have community service hours there to give us a personal tour. I bet she will).
Going to Home Depot to buy rat traps
A nice picnic in the park (but after the park closes so we can play pinnacle with the bums and see who can run from the cops the fastest).
Etsy Shop:
I'd like to resell my kid's elementary school art projects and describe it as One of a Kind
Lifestyle:
How to organize your stuff so that the camera crew of the TV show Hoarders: Buried Alive can get some nice angle shots.
Exercising:
Sprinting to the stove to put out the fire after someone threw an ice cube into a pan of hot cooking oil.
Squatting to pick the pacifier out of the litter box and immediately placing in baby's mouth (after brushing off most of the kitty litter crystals, obviously).
Tutorials:
Displaying a garage sale find exactly how it looked when purchased
Vinyl wall decorating using colored plastic wrap leftover from Christmas cookie plates
Getting rid of telemarketers by pretending your husband just got done serving time for assault (I actually used this scenario once. True story).
Party Themes:
White Trash and Luvin' It (including games like knocking your front teeth out)
Evil Clowns (might as well showcase them as they really are)
Cupcake Bonanza (fun surprises in each cupcake - like grandma's dentures or student loan bills (finder gets to pay the bill) ).
I almost wish I had kids now so I could start doing these awesome things just so I can blog about them later. I'm sure once I'm a mother I'll come up with even better ideas. Until then, I'm open to what you'd like to see in my blog 15 years from now.
It's true, I'm a follower of many of these blogs. I appreciate a lot of nice design and great DIY projects they feature. But because I have some sort of ingrained notion to go against the grain, don't expect my blog to be anything like that when/if I have my own little family. I think my posts would go along these lines:
Recipes:
"How to follow Krusteaz directions and still burn pancakes that are in completely boring circle shapes"
"Sloppy Joes on stale buns"
"I'm too tired to make dinner find yourself something to eat Dinner Extraordinaire"
"Fancy guest dessert: store bought ice cream with chocolate sauce that has been expired for a month."
My Cute Kids:
Teaching them wrong names for things (i.e. salt is actually pepper, vice versa) so that when they get out in the real world they'll be blown away.
Christmas traditions of associating Santa driving a sleigh of alligators (Seriously. You better not pout).
Photos posted of them wearing haphazardly thrown on and mismatched clothes as their "Sunday Best."
Documentation of how many lice eggs I find on each of their sweet heads
Family Adventures:
Touring the morgue (I'm hoping Lindsey Lohan will still have community service hours there to give us a personal tour. I bet she will).
Going to Home Depot to buy rat traps
A nice picnic in the park (but after the park closes so we can play pinnacle with the bums and see who can run from the cops the fastest).
Etsy Shop:
I'd like to resell my kid's elementary school art projects and describe it as One of a Kind
Lifestyle:
How to organize your stuff so that the camera crew of the TV show Hoarders: Buried Alive can get some nice angle shots.
Exercising:
Sprinting to the stove to put out the fire after someone threw an ice cube into a pan of hot cooking oil.
Squatting to pick the pacifier out of the litter box and immediately placing in baby's mouth (after brushing off most of the kitty litter crystals, obviously).
Tutorials:
Displaying a garage sale find exactly how it looked when purchased
Vinyl wall decorating using colored plastic wrap leftover from Christmas cookie plates
Getting rid of telemarketers by pretending your husband just got done serving time for assault (I actually used this scenario once. True story).
Party Themes:
White Trash and Luvin' It (including games like knocking your front teeth out)
Evil Clowns (might as well showcase them as they really are)
Cupcake Bonanza (fun surprises in each cupcake - like grandma's dentures or student loan bills (finder gets to pay the bill) ).
I almost wish I had kids now so I could start doing these awesome things just so I can blog about them later. I'm sure once I'm a mother I'll come up with even better ideas. Until then, I'm open to what you'd like to see in my blog 15 years from now.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Flirting Coaches Wanted
My mom is apparently getting really worried about my single status. She informed me that this summer when we're all in Utah, she's going to "hire" some of my married cousins to teach all the single granddaughters how to flirt. Really, mom?
Besides, I've watched Legally Blond and know exactly how to do the "bend and snap-" I just choose not to use it.
And on a side note, thanks to the anonymous person who left this interesting comment on my last post: This is such a great resource that you are providing and you give it away for free. I enjoy seeing websites that understand the value of providing a prime resource for free. I truly loved reading your post. Thanks!
I guess you could consider my blog a prime resource for free. You're welcome.
Besides, I've watched Legally Blond and know exactly how to do the "bend and snap-" I just choose not to use it.
And on a side note, thanks to the anonymous person who left this interesting comment on my last post: This is such a great resource that you are providing and you give it away for free. I enjoy seeing websites that understand the value of providing a prime resource for free. I truly loved reading your post. Thanks!
I guess you could consider my blog a prime resource for free. You're welcome.
Not Exactly Dead Sea Scrolls...
Remember how I told you about the Talent Show? How I said it was a big secret of what I was going to do? Well I had planned on singing a spoof to the song Friday ; my song was going to be called "Sunday" and be all about deciding which pew to sleep in. I had most of it written out, but never got around to actually practicing it to music, and I wasn't able to hire a token rapper to make it a legit talent show song. I then went to Danja's house (she's my Relief Society Prez - you'll see her named mentioned again below, so don't forget who she is) to help her with her talent, and before I knew it there was an hour before the talent show and I had to do something. So in 25 minutes I whipped out this little thing.
*Reading this is no way counts as reading your scriptures for the day. Though I dare say you may be inspired.
1. I, Elissa, having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father, and sunbeam teacher and young women leaders and Danja; and having seen many politians in the course of my days, nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days, because I was blessed with red hair; yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God, therefore I make a facebook status of my proceedings in my days.
2. Yea, I make a record in the language of my peers, which consists of the learning of teenagers with no grammar and of the language of Twitter.
4. For it came to pass in the commencement of the second year of the reign of Bishop Johnson, wise one of Deer Creek Ward, and in that same year there came many engagements and hooking ups, threatening the status of the single’s ward, for when everyoneth became married there would no more therefore be a single’s ward.
5. But it came to pass that Bishop Johnson wanted the destruction of the single’s ward, for then everyoneth would be married, and so he did spend many days and nights pondering the destruction of the single’s ward.
6. And it came to pass that there were two virgin naysayers that would not have the destruction of the single’s ward, vowing to never marry, thus disrupting the plans of the Bishop.
7. And the Bishop saith unto them “Oh Lemanjello, oh Lemueladasha, have thou not heard my sermons concerning getting married? Have thou not hearkened to the voice of your Relief Society President? Walk in the ways of Danja, who is engaged, that thou may be more like her, that thou may be married, that there will no longer be a single’s ward and they’ll finally call me to be a high council member.”
8. And it came to pass that Lamanjello and Lemueladasha (who had grown up in neighboring tents) did text their friends the trials and tribulations they felt they had faced having had been admonished by the Bishop.
9. And after the texts came the tears, and after the tears came the floods, and after the floods the rains came up, and then the foolish man was homeless.
10. Then it came to pass that Lamanjello and Lemueladasha did seek to destroy the work of the Bishop and they did create a facebook group called “Keepeth the Single’s Ward single forever.”
11. And they did gain many followers, Mark Zuckerburg not being one of them, who were followers of the devil himself, and were being dragged down to hell.
12. But there came about one named Nephi-Arell, liketh the name Darrell, but prounceth Nephi-Arell, who was strong and of good stature and had returned from a mission and was going to school and was able to make bows and arrows of fine quality that he gaveth away to DI.
13. And Lemueladasha was astonished at the sight of Nephi-Arell, and a seed of faith enetereth into her heart, yeah a seed that was nourished by the good looks and good works of Nephi-Arell.
14. And she saith unto Lamanjello “Let us not mock those that seek the ways of eternal marriage, but let us repent of our ways and find husbands so that we might find modest wedding dresses online and register at Wal-Zarahemla-Mart”
15. But Lamanjello’s heart was hardened against Lemueldasha, and they did have a falling out over facebook, and Lamanjello defriended Lemueldasha.
16. But Lemueldasha did gain a friend on facebook, even Nephi-Arell, who dwelt in the fashionable black and silver tent. And they did spend many days together, but Nephi-Arell always had her back to her tent before the Holy Ghost went to bed.
17. And it came to pass that Nephi-Arell did propose to Lemueldasha, yeah, and he did take her to the temple where they were sealed. And after they did have a cake with a rotating temple that they placed underneath the basketball hoop in the big tent’s gym.
18. And there was a great celebration in the land, namely the Fontana, Rancho Cucamonga and Upland lands, for the single’s ward was almost destroyed.
19. But Lamanjello went about seeking the destruction of the destruction of the single’s ward by spreading false witness about marriage on her blog. And it came to pass that she was struck down by and angel who said unto her:
20. And inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments, ye shall aprosper, and shall be led to a bman of promise; yea, even a man which the Lord has prepared for you; yea, a man which is choice above all other mans.
21. For it was the fear that she would never find a man of promise that Lamajello did pursue the works of the devil. But now that she knew there was a man of promise, she too did repent of her ways.
22. And now we see that the works of Bishop Johnson came to pass, and they were about to disband the single’s ward, when a new group of high school seniors graduated…
23. Oh be married, what more can I say?
*Reading this is no way counts as reading your scriptures for the day. Though I dare say you may be inspired.
1. I, Elissa, having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father, and sunbeam teacher and young women leaders and Danja; and having seen many politians in the course of my days, nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days, because I was blessed with red hair; yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God, therefore I make a facebook status of my proceedings in my days.
2. Yea, I make a record in the language of my peers, which consists of the learning of teenagers with no grammar and of the language of Twitter.
4. For it came to pass in the commencement of the second year of the reign of Bishop Johnson, wise one of Deer Creek Ward, and in that same year there came many engagements and hooking ups, threatening the status of the single’s ward, for when everyoneth became married there would no more therefore be a single’s ward.
5. But it came to pass that Bishop Johnson wanted the destruction of the single’s ward, for then everyoneth would be married, and so he did spend many days and nights pondering the destruction of the single’s ward.
6. And it came to pass that there were two virgin naysayers that would not have the destruction of the single’s ward, vowing to never marry, thus disrupting the plans of the Bishop.
7. And the Bishop saith unto them “Oh Lemanjello, oh Lemueladasha, have thou not heard my sermons concerning getting married? Have thou not hearkened to the voice of your Relief Society President? Walk in the ways of Danja, who is engaged, that thou may be more like her, that thou may be married, that there will no longer be a single’s ward and they’ll finally call me to be a high council member.”
8. And it came to pass that Lamanjello and Lemueladasha (who had grown up in neighboring tents) did text their friends the trials and tribulations they felt they had faced having had been admonished by the Bishop.
9. And after the texts came the tears, and after the tears came the floods, and after the floods the rains came up, and then the foolish man was homeless.
10. Then it came to pass that Lamanjello and Lemueladasha did seek to destroy the work of the Bishop and they did create a facebook group called “Keepeth the Single’s Ward single forever.”
11. And they did gain many followers, Mark Zuckerburg not being one of them, who were followers of the devil himself, and were being dragged down to hell.
12. But there came about one named Nephi-Arell, liketh the name Darrell, but prounceth Nephi-Arell, who was strong and of good stature and had returned from a mission and was going to school and was able to make bows and arrows of fine quality that he gaveth away to DI.
13. And Lemueladasha was astonished at the sight of Nephi-Arell, and a seed of faith enetereth into her heart, yeah a seed that was nourished by the good looks and good works of Nephi-Arell.
14. And she saith unto Lamanjello “Let us not mock those that seek the ways of eternal marriage, but let us repent of our ways and find husbands so that we might find modest wedding dresses online and register at Wal-Zarahemla-Mart”
15. But Lamanjello’s heart was hardened against Lemueldasha, and they did have a falling out over facebook, and Lamanjello defriended Lemueldasha.
16. But Lemueldasha did gain a friend on facebook, even Nephi-Arell, who dwelt in the fashionable black and silver tent. And they did spend many days together, but Nephi-Arell always had her back to her tent before the Holy Ghost went to bed.
17. And it came to pass that Nephi-Arell did propose to Lemueldasha, yeah, and he did take her to the temple where they were sealed. And after they did have a cake with a rotating temple that they placed underneath the basketball hoop in the big tent’s gym.
18. And there was a great celebration in the land, namely the Fontana, Rancho Cucamonga and Upland lands, for the single’s ward was almost destroyed.
19. But Lamanjello went about seeking the destruction of the destruction of the single’s ward by spreading false witness about marriage on her blog. And it came to pass that she was struck down by and angel who said unto her:
20. And inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments, ye shall aprosper, and shall be led to a bman of promise; yea, even a man which the Lord has prepared for you; yea, a man which is choice above all other mans.
21. For it was the fear that she would never find a man of promise that Lamajello did pursue the works of the devil. But now that she knew there was a man of promise, she too did repent of her ways.
22. And now we see that the works of Bishop Johnson came to pass, and they were about to disband the single’s ward, when a new group of high school seniors graduated…
23. Oh be married, what more can I say?
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
The Ten Commandments
I wrote this in one of my companion's journals on the mission. She said I should post this on my blog as a list for all men to follow. I agreed.
The Ten Commandments (that the man that marries you must keep)
1. Thou shalt have no other woman before or after Rachel.
2. Thou shalt bow down to Rachel and love her with all their heart, might, mind and strength.
3. Thou shalt not take in vain communications from Rachel.
4. Keep each day as an honor to her. Every day thou hast been given to live within her presence. Thou, and thy money, and thy car, and thy attention and thy ass.
5. Honor and respect Rachel that thy days may be long upon the land.
6. Thou shalt not kill Rachel's hopes and dreams.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery, especially if it begins with an S and ends with a tacey.
8. Thou shalt not steal or abuse Rachel's heart. His thumbs won't be the only things cut.
9. Thou shalt not bear false promises.
10. Thou shalt count thy blessings and consider yourself as probably the luckiest man alive as having Rachel as a wife. Others shall covet thy relationship.
The Ten Commandments (that the man that marries you must keep)
1. Thou shalt have no other woman before or after Rachel.
2. Thou shalt bow down to Rachel and love her with all their heart, might, mind and strength.
3. Thou shalt not take in vain communications from Rachel.
4. Keep each day as an honor to her. Every day thou hast been given to live within her presence. Thou, and thy money, and thy car, and thy attention and thy ass.
5. Honor and respect Rachel that thy days may be long upon the land.
6. Thou shalt not kill Rachel's hopes and dreams.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery, especially if it begins with an S and ends with a tacey.
8. Thou shalt not steal or abuse Rachel's heart. His thumbs won't be the only things cut.
9. Thou shalt not bear false promises.
10. Thou shalt count thy blessings and consider yourself as probably the luckiest man alive as having Rachel as a wife. Others shall covet thy relationship.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
In the Trees
If a tree falls down in the forest, with no one around, does it make a noise? Better yet, what happens when crazy smart Japanese people create a giant xylophone made from wood, put it in the forest, and roll a ball down it - does it make noise? The answer is that someone is filming the whole thing, so yes, it does. Watch and be astounded. If you can't figure out the song, it's Bach's Jesu Joy of a Man's Desiring (one of my all time favorite songs to boot).
They Asked For It
I was in charge of making fliers for the ward Talent Show. I am planning on participating in the Talent Show, but it's a secret of what I'm going to be doing. I'll let you know once it's all over how it went.
I'm pretty sure I spent more time than was needed, but this is what happens when you've been out of school for almost a year and almost can't handle your life because you have no huge project deadlines looming. I've always wanted to do some sort of poster in the circus/carnival style, so I thought this was the perfect opportunity. And yes, I made sure I put on a "filter" before creating this so as not to weird people out/offend anyone/cause anyone to go apostate/make all the boys fall madly in love with me. I know you understand.
I'm pretty sure I spent more time than was needed, but this is what happens when you've been out of school for almost a year and almost can't handle your life because you have no huge project deadlines looming. I've always wanted to do some sort of poster in the circus/carnival style, so I thought this was the perfect opportunity. And yes, I made sure I put on a "filter" before creating this so as not to weird people out/offend anyone/cause anyone to go apostate/make all the boys fall madly in love with me. I know you understand.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Does Your Dog Do That?
I saw this sign while walking with my dog and I thought "Weird, my dog has never pooped circles before."
Occasionally he'll poop a square or triangle, but never a circle.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
The Whole Fam
My brother, Mitch, got home from serving his mission (the London England Mission) on Thursday. We all went to the LAX airport to pick him up. This is him as a giant nerd bomber (he doesn't wear glasses, let alone those glasses).
Then Friday we took family pictures (because it had been 2.5 years since we had). We found a really pretty creek setting that if I happen to take pictures of people's pet lizards, this is where I'd take them. Being the cool person I am, I took the pictures, with help of my trusty camera remote. Okay, I set up the camera, then Mitch went camera remote happy. Then I took individual shots (except myself, which my dad shot). In case you want to be bored out of your mind, here are some:
Then Friday we took family pictures (because it had been 2.5 years since we had). We found a really pretty creek setting that if I happen to take pictures of people's pet lizards, this is where I'd take them. Being the cool person I am, I took the pictures, with help of my trusty camera remote. Okay, I set up the camera, then Mitch went camera remote happy. Then I took individual shots (except myself, which my dad shot). In case you want to be bored out of your mind, here are some:
Tanner
Audrey
Trenton
Mitch
(He had his eyes closed in the "normal" shots, but we decided this fits his personality anyway).
Saundra
Me (ugh).
The Whole Fam
Because I had to be in the picture, I didn't realize that Saundra was banished to outer darkness of photo land -she's the small head in between my parents. And it was at the end of our photo shoot, and we were all tired, so you get the picture of the not so perfect family picture.
I also read that it's uncool to have everyone wear the same colored shirts (which, not going to lie, had basically been all our family pictures before), but you should still coordinate. We decided to go with purple, maroon and black. Even though it turned out that us three oldest kiddies wore purple. Whatever. Maybe in another 2.5 years we'll have it figured out.
And for the final picture, I present the boy band pose (because what boys don't want to be in a boy band?)
They don't sing. They don't dance. But they take pictures for album covers. Call today to reserve this group to be the face of your boy band.
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