How To Impress Future Employers

This is a cover letter I just sent in to a job I just applied for. Explanation of said job below. 

I occasionally fall asleep while talking to people and remember 97% of my nightly dreams upon awaking. The other three percent continue to haunt my subconscious like Marley’s ghost. I am able to claim the strange sounding city of Rancho Cucamonga, California, as my home. I like to day-mare about house intruders and how I would fend for myself using a 1998 limited edition box of matches.

When I feel like contributing to society, I write a faux advice column that inspires people to quit writing into advice columns. When I don’t feel like contributing to society, I think of Lifetime Channel movie plots. On the spur of the moment, I will write love-neutral letters in Haiku form with Egyptian hieroglyphics. In the summer I like to have staring contests with the sun. I have yet to win one of those contests. 

Besides sounding like an essay prompt about disturbing individuals for a PSYCH 101 class, this is me trying to sell myself as a Groupon freelance writer. Without this job, I may have to join the family business of aspirin engraving.

Sincerely,
Elissa Stewart

Explanation: My dear friend Joelle (which has an awesome food/coupon/funny husband stories blog) told me about this great job - working as a freelance writer for Groupon. If you haven't heard of Groupon, they have daily deals which feature businesses in your location. The best part about Groupon is how they describe the deals/businesses (check out example here). Joelle said it sounded like it was right up my ally. I agreed.

I had to write a sample Groupon deal (which I may or may not post, I can't have my readers getting bored to dry tears) and then upload it with a resume and cover letter. I decided to just let the crazy cannon go, as you saw. It should be interesting if I get this little shing ding. Please pray I do.