My Mom. Can't Think of A Better Intro.

First, I decided I'm so embarrassed by my last post, that I needed to get a new one on here so that each time I open my blog I'm not blasted by...well whatever you want to call it. So what better way then to embarrass my own mother. Don't worry, there have been plenty of times when she's embarrassed me. And actually, both of us don't get embarrassed very easily (minus previous post).

When the movie about the Spice Girls came out (Spice World), my mom took a friend and me to go see it, purely to make fun of the movie (my friend and I didn't care too much for the group so we were down with going to make fun of them). In the movie during a dance seen, my mom got up and started dancing. In the theater. But I thought it was hilarious.

We have a family friend that is a cop and since he didn't work til later he would take his elementary school daughter to the bus stop in the morning, being the only dad there. One morning my mom showed up (the other bus moms didn't know her) dressed up in a robe, curlers in her hair and some blacked out teeth, holding my baby brother and yelled "Bobby, I can't believe you left me and lil' Billy here. What a scum bag you are!" She went on and on, horrifying him and the other bus moms. She's so cool.

She recently went to Washington D.C. and as we were looking through her pictures there was this one:

Me: "Mom, what are you doing in this picture?"
Mom: "Oh, that's Helen Keller so I'm pretending to be blind."
Me: "Right."

Dusty Eggs

I have been crushing hard on a certain semi-celebrity. This is Matt Bomer from USA's White Collar.

I'm not one to crush on celebrities. Maybe it's because my biological clock is ticking, my eggs are getting dusty and my body is telling me I need to find a man. I'm not sure why him. Well, despite that fact that he's ridiculously good looking. But he's waaaaaay out of my league, an actor who I'll never meet, and the final clincher, I'm pretty sure he's gay. (Apparently he's raising three kids with his partner Simon Hill, but there's not too much info about it out there). Hopefully now that I've posted this shameful admission (which I think has just demoted me back to teenage girl) I'll stop thinking about him altogether. But...probably not. Sigh.

If I Had Wings...

I have been researching the blogging world quite a bit lately. Reason being: I have become very discouraged with finding a job. And not just a job, but something that I might actually enjoy doing. You see, I graduated with a degree in art emphasizing in graphic design. But, the graphic design world that I've been introduced to gave me gross tastes in my mouth. So I've been trying to "figure out" what I want to do in my life. I'll spare all the boring details, but know that I've thought of many things, (including joining the Navy, but I don't think someone who fell asleep on watch during an attack would make it out of boot camp) but to no avail.

One such depressing afternoon led me to talk to my mother. She then had this brilliant and ingenious idea that I should become a professional blogger for businesses. This way, I'd be able to write, design and take pictures-three things which I love to do, but just didn't know how to combine them together. Now the hard part: finding businesses that will pay me to do all that. I probably wouldn't blog for the city's waste disposal center or an inspiring aspirin engraver. I was thinking business more along the creative side; i.e.: photographers, quilt shops, florists, painters of felines, etc. We figured if I had around 5 businesses sign onto my plan, I could actually start paying off my student loans, and perhaps save for a future pet alligator.

What I have found: wow. There is a lot more to blogging than I ever knew. It's intimidating and endless. It's creative and technical. It's not a plane or Superman. I don't know if I'm cut out of construction paper for this move. But I have the motivating factor that I don't want to become a substitute teacher for the rest of my life, even with a pet alligator. 

Design wise, here is a site that makes me gulp in awe and trepidation. The "Blog Fairy" designs blogs, and has an impressive portfolio to show for it.

I decided that to help my own pursuits, I need to blog more on my own blog. And probably do a complete design revamp. This means you may be subject to past pieces of creative writing I've done. There is the possibility that I may loose one of my fewer than 10 followers. But that's a risk I'm willing to take. Wish me luck, fellow bloggers, and any ideas are welcome; including how big an alligator pond for a residential neighborhood needs to be.

What's My Name Again?

From watching a 4 year-old the other day:

Me: Everett...
Everett: That's not my name
Me: Well what's your name
Everett: Everett dot com dot org (said very fast)
Me: Then what's your last name?
Everett: dot org! Duh! And my middle name is dot com.

I think this kid is onto something.

On the Catwalk

It has been said that there is no future for me in modeling. I probably agree. However, if getting a real career doesn't work out for me, I may look into this line of work more. Please don't become overly jealous of my mad modeling skills as shown below. If requested, I guess I could hold a two day $500 seminar about some techniques I've naturally come by through the years. Comment now, and I'll throw in a free positive compliment about your nose shape.

This says "I'll save the world and your little dog too."

Desperate Housewives, meet desperate single...

My mother always said I was ghastly to look at in the morning

I hate it when you yell. I hate it more when I can see right through you.

 

Pioneer is so the new sexy

For puzzling questions: this is used for cannibals

I like to call this one "blizzard of the month-strawberry fury"

 

Lesson learned from all above photos? Never smile when modeling. It shows you have a heart. Models should not waste body volume on hearts. 

April, you're a fool

As my roommates were going to bed last night I remembered that April's Fool would be among us. Being my last time with roommates for who knows how long, I decided to at least try this year. So I...

Changed the milk to blue

Turned the coloring pages on our wall upside down

Rearranged cupboard contents

Poured peppermint syrup in roommates' water bottles (would have used vinegar, but didn't have any. Jackie said she would have killed me if I put in vinegar, especially because she drank it after having to run a mile and half for a class)

And drum roll for the best...

Gave my bishop a chocolate covered cotton ball disguised as a truffle. The look on his face when he bit into it, priceless. 

Ben and Jerry's Part II

The other night I bought another Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream. In case you don’t remember, the last carton of Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream that I bought ran away with the neighbors’ popsicles for a cold love affair. This time around, this one didn’t escape. The only escaping it will see is the toilet bowl. I’m just saying.

Who I Am

According to Urban Dictionary.com, Elissa is: A sultry and exotic looking woman who knows what she wants and how to get it. An Elissa is a rare kind of woman who is widely known for her great personality and warmheartedness. She is an exceptionally goodnatured person who has an unparalleled ability to light up anyone's life. Elissas are also known for their unsurpassing cooking skills...and dance skills. A person you won't ever forget. If you happen to meet an Elissa, consider yourself extremely lucky.

Wow. I swear I didn't write this. I guess now it is out for the world to know that yes, I do have unsurpassing dance skills. I wasn't about to flaunt that with anyone, as there are only a lucky few who have gotten to witness this talent. Look up your name. Not promising it will match so awesomely as mine did, but give the fates a chance.

Oh what do you do in the winter time?

Up here in Rexburg many people complain that there ain't much fun to be had in the winter time. I disagree. One of my favorite activities is to grow my own icicles.

This here is Betsy May. Here's how you make your own Betsy May: take a cup of water and slowly drip it on metal railing. Mind you, the temperature has to be below freezing for this fun outdoor activity to work. Watch as the water drips, then stops dripping because it has frozen. Wait a minute and repeat again. 

Proceed to threaten anyone and everyone that if they mess with your birthed icicle, you will cut them like a heifer at a slaughter house. Such vivid imagery, but you need to get it through their heads. Curse the day that it gets warmer than freezing and your baby melts away like Frosty and the Wicked Witch. They both had magical hats. But one didn’t stop when the officer hollered “halt,” she turned him into a flying monkey. Wait until another cold day and begin again. With some luck, your icicle will be bigger than a goldilocks chia pet. 

See, how much fun can be had. Except losers like my 11 year old brother who live in such warm climates that you can't make icicles. Too bad for him.

Yes, I'm alive, but barely

Now that October is practically over, (in a relative sense), I'll update everyone on my life. I went on a horseback trail ride and here is my horse named Poncho. I don't know if he speaks Spanish.

And this past weekend I went to a mission reunion. For this special occassion I made an Alligator Cupcake Cake. Not only was it to die for cute, it was also to die for good. Chocolate Marshmallow Caramel Cupcakes with Cream Cheese frosting. No, I didn't think you'd be able to handle that. The only thing is I put caramel on top of the cupcakes and it was so gooey deliciousness that when I piped the green scaley frosting it kind of all started sliding off into a swampy mess. Whatever.

I'm in a Typography class and we got to learn how to use the letterpress and then we had to set a quote with a dingbat and run 25 sheets. Believe me, it takes FOREVER. It's confusing because you have to set the quote backwards, and it doesn't help if your type falls off. Makes me appreciate them setting stuff like the Bible and Book of Mormon. Maybe I'll show the finished project later. Depends on how I feel.

And this last image I saw on a car and just had to have the picture. Make of it what you will. I'm pretty sure he didn't win. The real question is, if he did win the presidency, would he have won the Nobel Peace Prize? Some things we won't know in this life. 

Bubble heads

We've all heard of bobble heads, well up here in the Burg there are some people who are bubble heads. The reason why they are called this is because they live in a bubble. Or they did before they came up; and it really irks them when someone tries to pop their bubble. Example (and this is a true story):

A girl goes over to a guys' apartment. She then preceedes to take off her shoes, then puts her bare feet on the coffee table (but no coffee, that's just what it's called). One of the roommates then says "I'm feeling very uncomfortable right now. I'm pretty sure that it's against the honor code for people to take off their shoes in the presence of the opposite sex." His roommates assure him that it is not against the honor code, but this bubble head is adament that this girl is breaking the rules and agains states his feelings of outisde-the-bubble-queasiness.

Now I've heard that it is against the law in China for a man to see his neighbor's wife with bare feet (and heck, that could have been 100 years ago, for all I know). And there are some interesting honor code rules that we abide by here on this campus. And some interesting laws in Rexburg (it is against the law to throw snowballs. Really? We live on the island of misfit cold and all fun has to be frozen away?). But. There is no such rule here at BYUI, or Rexburg, that says you can't show your feet to the opposite sex. I suppose that if your intentions include breaking the law of chastity that you shouldn't even take off your shoes. It may be your only link to reality. And unshaved legs.

So to all the bubble heads out there- good luck in life. I hope you never have to meet with a client from China during winter without a snowball.

Caution to Prude Readers

I realized that Sept is soon departing, and I figured that if I want to beat my June record of 13 blogs I better get my butt into gear. So this post fufills many purposes. One of which may or may not be the fact that I'm avoiding homework.

Tonight was the Relief Society General Broadcast. I was exhausted (thinking I may have Rexburg flu- strand known as HE11...partially joking). Are we putting two and two together? I decided to watch it from my own apartment, because I usually do better at paying attention that way (75% of my battle is lost when the church finds it necessary to turn off the lights in many of their venues). I barely heard the first opening choir number. It was touch and go from there.

As most of you know, I proceeded to make comments; sometimes slightly aware of what I was saying, other times not at all.The following story may be somewhat offensive, just remember I cannot be held accountable for what happens when I'm sleeping. Like buying milk (whole other story). And it was told to me by my roommate, who could have been making it up. But I sadly doubt it.

The second to last speaker, Sis Thompson ( I think that's her name- I was asleep, remember?) was apparently talking about how she was still single and had never been married. And right there from the comfort of my apartment living room I told her out loud in my sleep deprived state...  "no testicles." 

Yes, you read that right. I just put it in smaller text to lessen the damage it may have on your pysche. What did I mean of this? I have no idea. My roommate said she almost peed her pants. Yes, folks, I don't get embarrassed too easily, but I must say I'm embarrassed. Or maybe more ashamed then embarrassed. Please don't judge me.

I made it up myself

If you haven’t been able to deduce, it just so happens to be 1 am Sunday night but really Monday morning. I know. You’re thinking how jealous you are. I don’t want to make you jealous and therefore sin, it’s just a byproduct of who I am. Not byproduct like gas. That wouldn’t be so flattuencing. I mean flattering.

I was just about to type “when was the last time you had to pee in a cup” because it made me laugh because I saw this yellow cup sitting by me but then thought better of it and decided not to type it. Boy, sorry for the potty humor. It must be because I’ve been around my cousins’ kids all week and they’re young and in that potty stage. Which in reality I guess we all are. Until we die.

A couple of months ago I wanted to see if anyone would add me as a friend on facebook, so I looked up a random girl from Lehi or something who was still in highschool and requested to be her friend. She said yes. I can’t decide if that makes me feel better about myself or not. I haven’t written on her wall yet though. Maybe I should. Maybe that will make her feel better about herself.

I’m a little out of it. I should go to bed, but I took a late nap. Only because I didn’t have a nap during Sacrament meeting. Only because I went to my cousin’s baby’s blessing in a ward with 300 primary kids. Yep. Needless to say the energy in the room helped me stay awake. Maybe that’s what I need each week. To feed off the energy of others, especially little kids, like that Disney movie with Bette Midler “Hocus Pocus”. Needless to say there’s not as much type of energy in a single’s ward sacrament meeting. On an energetic side note, when the dad held up the baby to the congregation, his two younger daughters stood on the pew (not phew as in gross) and started clapping.  But needless to say once again that their clapping noises were engulfed by the sounds of the future leaders of Zion.

If you say needless to say is that some sort of cosmic point against you?

I think the other fact is that my brain may have slightly atrophied this past month or so. I just don't get near enough attention from people and because I'm not in school I have nothing to ruminate on. It must be true, I do feed off of other people. I should really consider that when I start eating cheese or some other lactose filled item. What if the people I’m feeding off of have just had a dairy snack? Will that induce a stomach ache? Oh, I just had another crazy thought that I’ll allude to without saying “what if I actually feed from people?” I’m glad that I don’t type basically whatever comes to mind. I mean I’m not Harry Potter. He wasn’t a cannibal, was he?

Sorry for the widows. What can I say, I’m a killer of complete lines of text. Does that mean I’m a textual predator?

Some Sunday Saunterings

I've decided I'm lactose intolerant. Does that make me stop eating ice cream? Not in particular. When I was younger I thought it was "lactose and tolerant". Which it obviously isn't.

Why is it that aliens usually look like a cross between insects,spiders, fish and human? Why don't they ever look like bambi? And they also usually have big eyes. I guess that's supposed to imply that the bigger the eyes the better you see the whole picture and then the better you see the whole universe. In which you can then attack it. I haven't even seen any alien movies lately. Okay, not entirely true, I did watch the end of Chicken Little.

If you blog in an empty forest, does anyone read it? Assuming you get WiFi.

What happens when I can't think of anymore profound things to say? Is anyone even reading this? Hello?

Heaven In a Basket

This is a real treat. It's me making up a song. I know, it doesn't get much better than this. Maybe finding my ice cream... wait, I'm over that. Please excuse the laundry basket looks Madison and I are sporting- it was the last day of classes, i.e. finals and cleaning. Yuck. But I think it added to the divine lyrics. Something like that.

The Case of the Missing Ben and Jerry's. (Unsolved)

I have a mystery to write to you. Last week, because it was my birthday, I decided to buy myself some Ben and Jerry’s Oatmeal Cookie Chunk ice cream. It’s their best kind. Seriously. You should get someone to buy it for you. I bought it Sat. night. (You getting down these details?).

At approximately 12:30a.m. I decided to be sinful because it was technically my birthday and have a couple of bites. So I did as I was meandering about the internet. Now here is where it gets tricky. I specifically remember restraining myself from eating all of it (even though it was so way yummy), and closing the lid. I then thought I put it back in the freezer.

The next day was Sunday. It wasn’t dark and stormy, so that doesn’t help set a mysterious mood for my mystery, but you can pretend like it was. I went to church at 9 a.m. I returned home at 12:20. (Only because the last speaker went over by 15 mins). I did visiting teaching. I laid down to take a nap. I woke up yearning for that sweet escape in its Ben and Jerry’s container. I walked to the freezer.

And it was gone.

Frantically, I searched through the freezer, calling its name so it would come to its momma. No such luck. The fridge, of course, I thought, then desperately guided my sorrowful hands amidst the leftovers and other perishable food. Talk about perishable. I was about to perish, for it was not in their either. My heart sank as I realized I must have thrown it away. Carefully, as obsessed as I was in finding it, I wasn’t too obsessed to take out all the contents of the trash, but I searched through our trash.

Still, nothing.

Cupboards, oven, microwave, under the bed covers, drawers, closet, bathroom, backpack.

Still, nothing.

It was time I profiled possible suspects. I had to confront the roommates. One by one I questioned them in a sunlit room with the light on overhead not making that big of an intimidation statement. They all said no. They said if they did take it they would have told me. Were the lying? I secretly searched through their bedroom trash.

Still, nothing.

Was my purchase so divine that I dreamed it in my head? It couldn’t have been, I remember the smooth texture of cinnamon ice cream gently welcoming itself into my mouth. The softened chunks of oatmeal cookie that I so tenderly chewed so as not to get a brain freeze. Chocolate pieces of heaven being rescued from the spoon by my tongue. No, it had not been a dream. It was as real as alligators in a swamp. And the reality was, it was still gone, and nothing could bring it back.

The truth was before my eyes. But I didn’t want to admit it. My beloved frozen love was cheating on me. It had run away to the neighbors to be with their popsicles. Did I have evidence? No, some things you just have a gut feeling about. I just hope that it’s happy. Wherever it may be. Such a story never was, that of the love between an ice cream and a 98.6 degree human being. Human girl.

The moral of the story; you misplace keys and pairs of socks, and occasionally kitchen sinks, but never a carton of ice cream. And so I hope you never have to experience such pain and misery.

Until next time, I bid thee ado.

Egg-cellent Easter

Awww. After driving forever to get there- we were able to have a wonderful Easter dinner at my Aunt's house with the whole gang. Those of us who weren't married had the most fun as everyone else was lame.







Amanda and Gina in disguise.





Bet you had no idea that this is actually me. I'm so big that I can eat Big Bird. I know- what a feat. But I didn't want PETA to come after me so I had to be in disguise as well.



The pictures below are what we would like to call a social experiment. I sat on the couch and my cousin threw various objects (piece of bread and big bird) at my face while we tried to capture it on camera. And for those of you worried about if I was as terrified as my face shows- well I didn't pee on my dress.




And the happy FUN Easter table. I'm on a blog binge. Be grateful.

Life's A Beach. Seriously- you get sand everywhere.

Mitch (my brother) and I went to the beach with Melanie and Kellie Rich. The water was super cold, but us girls got in anyway because we knew it would be a long time before we would have the pleasure of stinging cold salt water rushing past our just shaved legs that didn't look it anymore. Yeah for details!

No, my legs are in the picture despite the fact that they are almost as white as the sea foam stuff.

The Randomness

Yes, I copied and pasted from Facebook. But because some of you don't visit it, or have even deleted it off so that people couldn't google you, for your viewing pleasure I've included it here.


1. This is not a random list, because let's face it, I was born random. Good news is my parents knew they were having me. Bad news, they weren't told it would be random.

2. I hold a ham radio license. My call sign is KG6CCF. That would be said "Kilo Golf 6 Charlie Charlie Foxtrot." I have not used a ham radio in over 8 years. Good thing it doesn't spoil in the fridge like regular ham.

3. For those of you who know of my sleeping phenomenons, here is another. I was taking a nap at home alone while I was in high school. There was a knock on the door that woke me up. I answered. It was a man selling milk. He would come by once a week and leave how many ever gallons of milk on your door. Kind of like the old days. He asked if I was the woman of the house. Seeing how I was alone, I said I was, because technically I was. He asked me how many gallons I thought I would need, and I told him there were 8 in my family. He said "6 children?" I nodded. His eyes got big in amazement and then said "let me shake the hand of the woman who has had 6 children and still looks so young and good." I didn't deny it. Now I did end up signing my mom's signature saying I wanted 4 gallons of milk, I think twice a week. Needless to say, my parents weren't happy when at 5am Monday morning 4 gallons of milk were left on the doorstep. And that is why I blame my sleeping. I was in no state to make lucid decisions regardeing milk. And to this day, I never make decisions about milk when I just wake up. Sheesh- this should have counted as 5 elissa things.

4. I somewhat enjoy watching Hannah Montana. Don't tell her evil twin Hannah Nevada.

5. I once tried to make raisins out of grapes by standing outside on a hot day holding a plate of grapes towards the sunlight. I got bored and never fufilled the mission.

6. Both my parents have brown hair, so when I came out the milk man was questioned.(*Apparently 'the milk man' would come back into my life. See item #3.) Guess you could say it was a random act of God. (See 'random' in item #1).

7. When I was 10 we moved to a bigger house with a 1/2 acre backyard. In southern California that is considered horse property. I begged my parents for a horse. I got one for Christmas.

8. The horse I got for Christmas in item #7 was plastic.

9. I was devastated the Christmas in items #7 and #8.

10. Because my birthday is after school gets out in June, I never got "kidnapped" by my friends. This includes being dressed up in mismatched clothes and having wacky makeup applied in not so beautiful patterns. Being the jealous being I am, I kidnapped myself on the last day of my freshman year and did the above kidnapping routine. This was not a random kidnapping.

11. I was once 11. But only for a year.

12. I was kissed by a boy in kindergarten. His lips were cursed by an evil witch as no other lips have been upon mine. Except my family. Even evil witches can't control that.

13. When I was in fourth grade I wanted to become an archeologist. That idea went extinct.

14. I once attempted to make pumpkin fudge and due to unforseen measures there was a chemical reaction that made the fudge so hard we had fun karate chopping it afterwards. There were only minor injuries.

15. I've had a CAT scan. It was not (as many of you are thinking) of my head, although the machine did have a quaint purring to it. Entirely intriguing.

16. When it is pitch black outside I walk rather tenatively for fear that my foot might become encased in unknown substances leading to an untimely death which would be far from random. So I guess that would be considered farrandomed.

17. In the 7th grade I watched an episode of X-files where some crazy with long fingers came through people's vents and ate their liver then hung them on the wall. Ever since I have been terrified of vents and case out the vents of any given building I enter.

18. Many of you know I served a mission in Georgia. Many of you also know I have a rather random obbsession with alligators. Many of you don't know I smuggled one home. His name was Alpert. He didn't survive the flight. He was (as I later found out) allergic to peanuts.

19. I have a dog named Captain Jack Sparrow. Only occasionally does he bring in wenches from the island bars.

20. I have forseen the future. It said I would finish this blasted thing.

21. Instead of telling a woman to have a nice day, I invited her to have a nice day. I invite you to do the same. Please RSVP beforehand though.

22. I lived on an island off the coast of Seattle where we had our own private beach. I never saw Jeff Probst.

23. I have taken up quilting. My loan shark said it's not very profitable. I beg to differ. And when I'm with him, I really do beg.

24. I fell asleep (wait, I'm getting to the good part) once while singing a hymn in church. But we were standing up. So I literally fell asleep. Right back onto the bench.

25. My sister wants to use the computer right now. What's abnormal is that she isn't bowing down to me. When will she learn?

26. My little brother thinks that Tom Cruise and Harrison Ford are having a love affair. According to him, a mountain man named Jim Bridger carries a picture of the two of them in bikinis slapping each other's butts. My little brother is not related to me.

27. I decided to do a #27, just so my mother could say "I thought it was only 26."

THE END

Vacation!

For the hundreds of you who take time to read my blog (cough, cough, yeah right) I have been on vacation for basically a month. Went to Utah to visit some peeps, then down to Phoenix area to help my grandma celebrate her 80th birthday. Wow! Then home to California for a week and finally back up to Rexburg. I picked up my wonderful friend Rachel Dean (who I haven't seen in 2 years) and we caught up. While I was in Utah I went to an old mission comp's wedding reception. So I'm including those pictures as well. Happy day. Hope you enjoy my playlist. I'm open to suggestions. I'm including pictures, but the thing is struggling right now, so hold on to your ant eaters and I'll get 'em soon enough
There were really 80 candles on the cake

All the grandkids/their spouses and their kids

Steve, Me, Shannon Van Patten, Brooke Devey "Wilson", Rachel Redman

Leslie Orme, Melissa Nickel, Me, Rachel Redman


Rachel Dean and I in front of the beautiful Rexburg temple