As They Say in Soccer: Goal

Dear ElissaGator,
Have you ever tried to keep a resolution, or just a goal in general? I find that it's super hard. Any words of wisdom for me?
-Struggling Stan

Smuggler,
Because I am human (even though I have received letters questioning my homo sapien status), I have struggled before keeping a goal. When I was 5, my parents gave me my first pet. His name was Chia. All I had to do is water his head and green fuzzies would grow. And I did. Every day I would water Chia, anxiously awaking in the morning to see what came from my intensive labor. And I grew to love Chia. I could talk to him, tell him things that no other 5 year old would understand. Like how I constantly had thoughts on world domination. Most other 5 year-olds could only think about dominating the doll house, but not me, my plans were much bigger. And Chia never laughed in my face when I told him my 12 step plan to achieving that goal (I would tell you my 12 step plan, but then you might implement it, and I surely can't have you dominating something I inhabit).

One day, Chia was taken away from me. My mother said he was beginning to rot and needed to be thrown away; but I knew the truth - North Koreans had taken him to see if I had somehow imprinted my plan for world domination on his little green head. Of course, I can't actually prove it, but any responsible smart 5 year old knows when the North Koreans have been around.

So what was my failure in this story? You may think it the fact that I haven't completed world domination. But it's not. Remember, you don't know that one of those 12 steps to dominating the world is to turn 30 (and I may or may not have reached that age, I am not at liberty to tell you). The failure came because I wasn't able to defeat the North Koreans. Moral of the story, if you're going to have a goal, make sure you calculate how the North Koreans might sabotage it, or you'll get screwed like I did.

You're welcome.

*Cynical  Editor's note: I'm pretty sure no reads this part anymore, let alone the actual blog posts. Even though I'm getting like a million questions every day from hopeless people like yourself, I know I haven't received one yet from you (I think you know who I'm talking about. Look in a mirror if you're confused). But this isn't for you, it's for me. Because ElissaGator has taken the challenge to answer/give advice freely for the next 30 days. She would have done it for the next 365 days, had the thought of utter failure not demised her attempts. You may ask her any question about herself, or ask for any advice for yourself or in behalf of a loved/hated/neutrally-platonic one. 

This is day 6 of 30.